Disagreement with SIL

[Ellelac27]

So myself and my sister in law have never really gotten along, though we have only ever had one arguement over text as my husband stopped speaking to her for a while and she blamed me but other than that I have always been polite to her.

When I was heavily pregnant she planned a sibling gathering but expected my husband to travel to the other side of the country and leave me at home, it wasnt a drinking event either, she just doesnt like me so tried to persuade my husband to just go on his own, all while she brought her brand new boyfreind.

Then came the arguement and ever since then she has been trying to arrange meetups with herself and her partner, wanting just my husband and son to go, not me, it was my sons birthday a few weeks ago and we planned to meetup at a park a few days beforehand so my husbands side of the family could see him and give him his gifts, apperently she messeged my husband and wanted just him and my son to be there not me, he had to tell her its a birthday celebration for our son so of course his mum will be there, surely it should have been none of her business anyway.

She also called my husband asking if she and her partner could take our son out for the day, now my son is just 2 years old, they dont have kids so no experience to suddenly take him out all day by themselves and I would just like my boy to be quite abit older and able to talk properly obviously before any extended family take him out by themselves for such a long period of time aswel, but we did say they can come up and visit and take him out by themselves for a shorter period like just a walk to the park with him and back instead, her responce to this was 'oh so basically we can't see him unless she is there!' Like am I going crazy, this is my son surely I have the right to make these choices and be at meetups with my husband. With everything she has been saying I no longer feel I can trust her with my son tbh, am I being unresonable at all?

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all OP. Your SIL sounds like a complete cow, and there is no way I would let her have even a minute of time alone with my child, if she's so outspoken about not wanting his Mum around. It does sound like your DH stood up for you about the birthday meet up, so it would seem he's on your side, however, if you say your child is not going anywhere near his sister without you being there, what would his reaction be, ie, would he say, well he's my child too, or would he be in complete agreement with you? Is your DH close to his sister, or does he just tolerate her for the sake of avoiding family conflict? When your SIL said ''oh so basically we can't see him unless she is there!' What response did your DH give her?

Your husband needs to say, (or roar, if she is so dense) "We are a family of three! We all go or none of us go! Deal with it. I do not want to have this conversation again."

Well she doesn't like and you don't like her so ehy would you want to be invited to things. Let your husband take tour son to things and enjoy your free time to see people you like.

It's a pity you can't let your son enjoy a day with his family. You don't to have children to look after them well. However if that's how you feel, that is your right.

Yeah that’s not ok, although I feel she’s being more honest. You don’t like her, she doesn’t like you, so just stop wanting to go to things with her and pull back

as for your child no I don’t think they should take him out alone, unless they have baby sat etc, but I also don’t think you need to be there, your husband can be,

so stop trying to make her include you, you don’t like each other, accept it. I had to do it with my sil. We can’t stand each other, I kept trying to do as you did. Till I thought fuck this, I then pulled back. She does all the running now.

I'm dealing with a comparable dynamic and I think there is something really unpleasant about feeling entitled to cute bonding time with someone else's child when you can't bring yourself to treat the child's parents decently.

I certainly wouldn’t let SIL have your 2 year old for any period of time.

I wouldn't let her take your ds anywhere for any time. If has hates you this much she will be whispering little manipulations to him the entire time "I bet mummy doesn't do x" etc.

i wouldnt allow her to have your dc at all. Your dh needs to tell her to stop this behaviour or go low contact.

What does your husband think? Because if he doesn't agree with you, your argument that she doesn't have children won't help, many people you leave your son with won't have children. I think discussing not leaving your son with anyone at all until he can talk will be more likely to persuade him if you aren't going to leave him with anyone until then.

I probably wouldn’t let a two year old away without me, but I don’t see the issue with the rest of it. You don’t like her, she doesn’t like you, so why would she invite you to things? Wasn’t she just being thoughtful by not expecting you to come to a sibling gathering on the other side of the country when you were heavily pregnant? And why would you want to socialise with someone you dislike? Most of the time I see my siblings, DH isn’t present, and he sees his sisters often without me.

Your SIL sounds hard work. I wouldn't be handing over a 2 year old to a virtual stranger for the whole day, nor would most parents. He's not a toy. Your suggestions of a shorter outing between feeds naps was a good one.

I think it's ok for your DH to meet up with his sister on his own. He can have his own relationship with her. you don't have to attend everything. However, it is NOT ok when she tries to exclude you from family events or dis-invite you from your son's birthday celebration. I suspect your SIL has form for this. What do other family members (parents, other siblings) say about her behaviour?

I would be stepping back and saying to DH 'Thank you for having my back re the birthday party but I don't want to hear about her sly behaviour anymore, it just winds me up. I will be civil at family functions but her dislike of me is her problem to deal with, please stop telling me about all her remarks'

Your SIL is mean and nasty. No thisin the bud now otherwise it will escalate. If you give in it will keep happening and you will resent how you have let them do this to you. Deliberately excluding one person is shitty behaviour. If she wants to do a sibling trip then it’s just siblings not siblings and partners except OP.
im pleased your husband appears to have your back. It took mine a long time to begin to grow a backbone after years of this kind of treatment by the ILs.

Have you seen these messages demanding you never be present when they meet up? I just can't believe she could be so rude.

If she's so desperate for a relationship with your kid the least she could do is be civil or allow you to be physically present in the same room as her?!

I'm surprised you and H don't just go NC.

Are you for real 😂

Cut her off. She sounds toxic. Obviously your husband can continue to see if he wants but nothing with you and son. She sounds bitter

This exactly - they’re a part of you. No respect for mum = no access to child . It’s so entitled.

OP she sounds absolutely clueless and also quite unpleasant and entitled
Absolutely bonkers that she thinks she can take your 2 year old out with absolutely no child experience when she doesnt like you!
Imagine if anything happened if there was an accident etc
You are a family of three as another poster said
I would probably go low contact and avoid any drama from her

Not my SIL but my MIL and SD. Both have exclued me for 7 years. My husband still sees his daughter but not his mum. My SD does not see her half brother!! Until they realise we are a package this wont change. My husband doesn't have an issue with this and has made his point to them. I will not stop my husband seeing his family, but will stop my son seeing behaviour of exclusion of his mum and them being rude and manipulative. You are 100% correct in your views.

But why are you a ‘package’? You clearly don’t like them, so why would you want to see them? DH often sees family members without me present. After all, they’re his family. Likewise DS.

Its nothing to do with me not liking them. For over 10 years,I visited every weekend for my MIL to walk out of the room I walked into. She then kicked off over our wedding and spoke to noone on the day. My husband hung up on her during an argument over something to do with me. My SD was non stop trouble and because I put my foot down with rules she pushed back. Please DO NOT judge on things you know nothing about until you get the full picture. I have always said my husband can do what he wants but HE says we are a package and OUR son is not a pawn

But you’re making him a pawn by not letting him see his grandmother or half-sister.

His grandmother stopped speaking to us 7 years ago. Walked past us in the street and looked the other way!!

My SD has NEVER once asked my husband to see her half brother!! He is now 8!!

So what? She doesn’t like you. You don’t like her. Your child is a separate individual.

Why would your child having a relationship with her half-brother be dependent on her asking to see him?

I wouldn't find any hardship in not having to go to in-law meet ups to be honest. I would enjoy the peace and quiet on my own at home! However there's no way I would be releasing my child into the care of someone who might and probably in this case would speak disrepectfully about their mother around or to them.

She sounds weird and awful. Good dh seems onside. I don’t understand anyone feeling entitled to time with a child without the parents. It’s baffling. Seems like a control thing. Nice relatives never demand things like this. Nice relatives are respectful to both parents, always. I wouldn’t want my child with this person and I wouldn’t trust her to keep my child safe.