Disagreement with SIL

[Ellelac27]

So myself and my sister in law have never really gotten along, though we have only ever had one arguement over text as my husband stopped speaking to her for a while and she blamed me but other than that I have always been polite to her.

When I was heavily pregnant she planned a sibling gathering but expected my husband to travel to the other side of the country and leave me at home, it wasnt a drinking event either, she just doesnt like me so tried to persuade my husband to just go on his own, all while she brought her brand new boyfreind.

Then came the arguement and ever since then she has been trying to arrange meetups with herself and her partner, wanting just my husband and son to go, not me, it was my sons birthday a few weeks ago and we planned to meetup at a park a few days beforehand so my husbands side of the family could see him and give him his gifts, apperently she messeged my husband and wanted just him and my son to be there not me, he had to tell her its a birthday celebration for our son so of course his mum will be there, surely it should have been none of her business anyway.

She also called my husband asking if she and her partner could take our son out for the day, now my son is just 2 years old, they dont have kids so no experience to suddenly take him out all day by themselves and I would just like my boy to be quite abit older and able to talk properly obviously before any extended family take him out by themselves for such a long period of time aswel, but we did say they can come up and visit and take him out by themselves for a shorter period like just a walk to the park with him and back instead, her responce to this was 'oh so basically we can't see him unless she is there!' Like am I going crazy, this is my son surely I have the right to make these choices and be at meetups with my husband. With everything she has been saying I no longer feel I can trust her with my son tbh, am I being unresonable at all?

Ok, im not going to argue with a TOTAL stranger om MN about my family. My SD is NOT a child. She is in her 20's with a child of her own. Lots of issues that MY HUSBAND, HER FATHER, has agreed that unless she asks and changes certain things OUR Son will not be seeing her. Our son is autistic, and non verbal and certainly, CANNOT be used in family disputes!!

Your husband needs to stand up to her and say no.
Simple.
She doesn't care about her brothers happiness otherwise she wouldn't be doing this
How would she like it also if he treated her this way.

This.
She wouldn't be allowed near my child.
No further discussion whatsoever.

Because it’s rude to OP and her husband to treat OP like she is not part of the family? Of course this is insulting and awful treatment.

Wrong. If the sil treats the sister like crap she doesn't get to spend time with her son.

How do you know what she's saying behind your back for one and stirring trouble
Don't get on with the parents, don't expect to cause a divide by seeing the children.

I think your husband has sat on the fence for long enough now and needs to tell her in no uncertain terms never to make requests of this nature again. Absolutely no way she should have access to your child. She's a total nightmare. Trying to disinvite you from a family event you are already involved in is the height of entitlement and fuckwittery.

She sounds insane. What is your husband’s long term plan for this ?

I feel like this is a him issue and not a you issue.

Are you the unhinged SL ? The child is two. I wouldn’t let anyone take my children at the age of two two anywhere unless they were an experienced child minder. That unhinged SL doesn’t have children at all.

Also, it’s incredibly rude to try and break up someone’s family by excluding someone’s spouse. I hope you mature and think about your own awful inner feelings and really work on that.

This in a nutshell.

Also... your son doesn't know her. Mine would have been really unhappy left with a total stranger to them for a whole day. It's a long day for a child.

She seems to think she has "rights" to your child and is making a big deal about it and blaming you for an argument she appears to have started. It also feels like she thinks if she gets her way on this occasion... she can start demanding more mum free time. as a pp said. Your child is NOT a toy for her entertainment. It's like she is trying to assert that her family relationship makes her more important to your DH and DS than you, which is bonkers.

This is not normal behaviour. I would not be able to trust someone who behaves like that because I would be worried about her short temper if the two year old didn't behave exactly as she wanted ( and they rarely do). And the fact that she would probably argue that you had influenced your child against her.

Whilst you don't have to have children to look after them well. I do think you have a point about her being inexperienced ... because it's very different taking a five year old out for the whole day, compared to a two year old. They don't call it the terrible twos for nothing, but parents are usually aware of how to manage and avoid any showdowns.. and she sounds like the kind of person who would have one herself.

Is this a case of you look after your two year old far more often than your DH does, and when you go out together, you are on hand to manage issues seamlessly, like recommending stopping for a break if he's tired and nipping any kick offs in the bud etc. So your DH thinks that your two year old is easy to manage... and therefore can't see the harm in having a family member look after him. How much day long jaunts has he had with your two year old on his own?

It does sound like your DH stands up for you.... I think I'd recommend he tells her very firmly that if she wants to see your toddler she needs to be civil to you at the very least and child is too young to go out for a whole day alone with someone who vents her bad temper on his mother.

She sounds like one of those women who hate any woman coming into the family, my in-laws are like this. She’s on a power trip not wanting you included - she wants control over your DH and child. My in-laws have played silly games like this, and they’ve lost. We don’t really see them now,

You can’t have extended family trying to drive wedges in your own family unit, it just doesn’t work for a harmonious life. In this scenario your SIL needs to come to terms with the fact that if there is an outsider now, then it’s her. She’s stuck in the past where she thinks she is part of the main family unit. This is likely because she hasn’t moved on and had her own family. She needs to get used to the backseat and needs to realise you are the main woman in your DH and child’s life now. If she can’t accept that and include you, then you need to drop the rope with her. She will tantrum, but let her.

Very few people would let a toxic family member have days alone with their child, and definitely not a 2 year old. Your SIL needs to grow up.

Tell your husband to stop passing on his sister's drivel, it's irrelevant to you, and he is to deal with her.
Opt out, don't give her a moment more thought

Yanbu.

if she can’t be polite to you then no she doesn’t get access to your child at all, especially not on her own. The fact she is so childish that she can’t be civil would raise concerns about what she would say to the child about you.

as a previous poster said you’re a family unit, either the three or you ought to be invited, or none at all. Your husband should be putting his foot down here as I wouldn’t want my child exposed to such a toxic dynamic / teaching him that families act in this way. What does your husband say/do?

She doesn’t want to see you but wants to take your son out!

Not a chance I would be handing my child over to someone that didn’t want anything to do with me, how very rude.

You come as a package, she maintains a relationship with you before she gets access to your child.

Your husband needs to shut this situation down and prioritise your feelings before his sister.

Eurgh she really does sound like a pita. I'd avoid, let dh deal with his family. I really don't see an issue generally (not if you're ill, or if it's his birthday but day to day) given you don't like her either, for dh and son to go see her without you. Frankly it sounds like a win/win, day of peace for you, no in laws to deal with and you don't have to go. Often dh does this with his family, we don't get on but he needs a relationship with them and so do my kids (if they want). Obviously not birthdays, weddings, big occasions or important things for children, but regular visits is fine.

I would also suggest just being civil and not acquiesing to any requests about time alone with your son, but equally, don't bother suggesting alternative plans/categorically setting up walls out loud. I have a SiL like this, she lives hours away and constantly says "send the kids for a sleepover, we will have so much fun, i can meet them off the train". The reality is, we left her with them for 1 hour whilst we ran some errands, came home and she was in the garden with a tea and a book, couldn't say where the kids were (at 6 and 8 - so not a major safety issue, but just weird when you've been pestering to do it and now theyre playing alone in their rooms). It showed us that looking after them is pure fantasy, it's not something she actually wants to do, and she doesn't know how to do it either. Instead of saying anything at all, we just choose mild noncommittal. It doesn't need to be said aloud so she can weaponise it or for it to be used as emotional manipulation (oh my god, I can't believe you think that about me, and you know how much I love them.... sob sob sob). Just know you'll never allow it, calmly smile. A simple "maybe, we will have a think" or "its so nice you want to see him". It heads off the argument, you know for sure it'll never happen of course, but they don't have stones to throw at you. I suspect, same as my SiL, they actually don't want to care for a 2 year old allll day- whilst they're super cute, it's such hard work, nappies, constant snacks, naps, it's a real job. They're looking for things for you to say no to, and for them to then throw it back at you. Don't give them ammunition, or cause a fuss.... Let dh have a relationship with them, stay civil, stay calm and firm in your boundaries but also no need to give them any ammunition, and don't take it personally or turn it into a war. They're his family, it's a shame she's weird and mean, but it is what it is, and it's his sister.

You are being unreasonable for entertaining this nonsense for so long.

@Ellelac27 I’ve been part of an in law dynamic like yours. I did allow them to take my child. He came home repeating the most awful things my in laws had said about me..things a young child couldn’t possibly have come up with himself x

Your husband is allowing this to continue and he needs to step up and put his foot down with her.

My feeling is that if someone can be that malicious and disrespectful to the mother then they lose access to the child. You cannot trust her not to bad mouth you and undermine you in front of your child and on that grounds alone I'd say no, never mind that you can't trust her to undermine any boundaries around the child that you might set.

What has your husband done so far to address her bullying behaviour towards you?

No one who wanted to separate me from my 2yo would be having access to them at all.

She’s persistently trying to freeze you out of your own family so it shouldn’t come as a surprise to her unless she’s a total fucking idiot, that you’re not comfortable with her spending 1on1 time with your toddler. I wouldn’t want to leave my children in the care of people who don’t like me either. A natural consequence really.

It's the brass neck of it that gets me. Even if my morals were in the gutter I'd never think I'd actually get away with treating mum like crap and still getting playdates with her kids. If you really can't bring yourself to be respectful to the parents leave them all alone and find a child whose parents you can treat decently for this sort of thing.

Seriously?
You think it would be appropriate to send a 2 yr old, whose language isn't fully developed yet off for the day with relatives that he barely knows?