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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is bu

28 replies

ncaibu · 05/02/2026 21:21

Name change for this one as it might be quite outing. I'll try not to drip feed.

I'll lay out some important points first for context.

'Partner' and I share a baby who just turned one.

We don't live together.

He has issues with alcohol which he has tried getting help with, to no avail.

I have had enough of constantly putting my faith in someone who always lets me down. I feel like my emotions are on a roller coaster of feeling hopeful then radically being pulled down, over and over.

I have made it clear since the new year that I'm not doing this anymore, he cannot change, and I don't want my daughter affected.

Now, the issue:

My daughter turned one last week. For whatever reason, he thought it would be a good idea to invite his friend over for a week who lives on the other side of the country. No idea why he couldn't have chosen a different week, but he promised endlessly that he would not drink the night before our daughters birthday. He also promised to get her a specific present which had been planned for months. The day before her birthday, he still hadn't bought said present. He promised he'd get it that day with his friend. Instead, they ended up in the pub, with him inevitably getting drunk and taking drugs. I told him he absolutely wasn't to come round for our daughters birthday, and I stuck to my word, so he missed out on her first birthday.

He's playing it off that I overreacted over a 'drink with his friend' and ruined my daughter's first birthday for him.
In my view, it's proven to me that he cannot change if he can't stick to his promise on what should be the most important day of the year, and he'll always let her/us down by prioritising alcohol. He didn't even get her present he'd promised.

Was I unreasonable to stop him coming round on her first birthday?

OP posts:
DisplayPurposesOnly · 05/02/2026 21:23

It's time to end the relationship. More than time.

Original poster
ncaibu · 05/02/2026 21:25

DisplayPurposesOnly · 05/02/2026 21:23

It's time to end the relationship. More than time.

The relationship is over. It's been over for a while really. I've given enough chances and seen no change.

OP posts:
BudgetBuster · 05/02/2026 21:27

No, not unreasonable. You need to protect your child.

What is unreasonable though is calling him your "partner". He needs to be your ex. Ans I would recommend no unsupervised access with your child. If he wants to fight you in court, let them know you have no problems with access if he can do a breathalyser and pass a drugs test.

Butthechildrentheylovethebooks · 05/02/2026 21:28

Well done for taking a stand. Def not unreasonable. He made that situation, not you, however he tries to reframe it.

DeQuin · 05/02/2026 21:29

At this age, your daughter will not give a shit. This is about him breaking his word to you. Why are you surprised? And yes, he will repeatedly let your daughter down which she will notice when she is older.

Wakemeupinapril · 05/02/2026 21:29

Keep any messages that mention he uses drugs. He can convince a judge he is drug - free if he wants to see your dd....or else he simply doesn't.
And mean it.

TappyGilmore · 05/02/2026 21:30

If you don’t live together, how do you know that he got drunk and did drugs and was not in a fit state to see the child the next day?

Original poster
ncaibu · 05/02/2026 21:32

BudgetBuster · 05/02/2026 21:27

No, not unreasonable. You need to protect your child.

What is unreasonable though is calling him your "partner". He needs to be your ex. Ans I would recommend no unsupervised access with your child. If he wants to fight you in court, let them know you have no problems with access if he can do a breathalyser and pass a drugs test.

That's why I put it in quotes. I'm not sure what to call him, as technically we are not together anymore, although there's still contact. He's never been with my daughter unsupervised bar a few occassions for short periods of time (an hour or so).

OP posts:
B1anche · 05/02/2026 21:32

You are having to ask who is being unreasonable. Why are you in doubt? Nothing in your post suggests that you are being unreasonable. Is there something you have left out?

Original poster
ncaibu · 05/02/2026 21:34

DeQuin · 05/02/2026 21:29

At this age, your daughter will not give a shit. This is about him breaking his word to you. Why are you surprised? And yes, he will repeatedly let your daughter down which she will notice when she is older.

She might not give a shit now, but it won't be long before she understands enough to know when he's let her down. I won't let him do that to her.

OP posts:
Original poster
ncaibu · 05/02/2026 21:36

B1anche · 05/02/2026 21:32

You are having to ask who is being unreasonable. Why are you in doubt? Nothing in your post suggests that you are being unreasonable. Is there something you have left out?

No, just very used to having the blame put at my feet when I try to protect my daughter from his behaviours. I wanted wider opinions on this specific event (with it being her first birthday) to make sure I don't end up feeling guilty.

OP posts:
Original poster
ncaibu · 05/02/2026 21:38

TappyGilmore · 05/02/2026 21:30

If you don’t live together, how do you know that he got drunk and did drugs and was not in a fit state to see the child the next day?

He told me he was having 'one pint' mid-afternoon.. I knew it wouldn't be just the one pint, it never is. We spoke close to midnight and he told me the rest. The sad thing is, he's always very honest, but it doesn't change the fact that it's not okay.

OP posts:
B1anche · 05/02/2026 21:41

ncaibu · 05/02/2026 21:36

No, just very used to having the blame put at my feet when I try to protect my daughter from his behaviours. I wanted wider opinions on this specific event (with it being her first birthday) to make sure I don't end up feeling guilty.

Show quote history

Don't feel guilty or doubt yourself. You definitely did the right thing. Sorry you've had to go through this. It sounds like you are well shot of him

BudgetBuster · 05/02/2026 21:41

ncaibu · 05/02/2026 21:32

That's why I put it in quotes. I'm not sure what to call him, as technically we are not together anymore, although there's still contact. He's never been with my daughter unsupervised bar a few occassions for short periods of time (an hour or so).

Show quote history

You call him your ex or your child's father.

You need to protect your daughter. One hour alone with a drunk and drug user is one hour too long.

It sucks to have to be brutal but if he wants to be in her life, then he will have to change. If he can't or won't change, that says it all.

I would genuinely just tell him he is done with contact or if you want to facilitate it then you could suggest an hour or 2 once a weekend at XX place supervised. He'll either do it or not

xOlive · 05/02/2026 21:43

Don’t leave your daughter alone with him, ever.
Not until he’s 100% sober and has been for a long time.
Please know, there is nothing you can ever say or do or threaten that will stop him drinking until he wants to.
Don’t allow unsupervised access with a third party that is his family member or friend either, they’ll cave and allow him to “just take DD to the park” or some shit.
Protect your little girl, alcoholism tries to take everyone down, even those who aren’t drinking.

Yellowhair · 05/02/2026 21:43

Your poor dd. I guess you have to work out if sporadic contact is better than none. Really sad for your dd though. He is the unreasonable one for sure. Thank god she has you.

Endofyear · 05/02/2026 22:04

I don't think you're unreasonable at all to keep him away from your baby daughter until he stops drinking. You say he's tried to get help but it doesn't sound as if he wants to stop really.

I think you were only unreasonable to believe that he could be trusted to buy her present (I would have made sure I had bought it) or that he wouldn't go out drinking with his friend. I suppose you gave him the chance to do the right thing and he failed, I hope there will be no more chances. I feel for your little DD as he will probably let her down time and again if he bothers to stay in her life at all 😔

PandorasSockBox · 05/02/2026 22:06

You are being unreasonable for getting involved and a child with someone so unsuitable.
Think about that!

Ohnonononotagain · 05/02/2026 22:18

PandorasSockBox · 05/02/2026 22:06

You are being unreasonable for getting involved and a child with someone so unsuitable.
Think about that!

Well that's a helpful post isn't it?

Walkacrossthesand · 05/02/2026 22:40

@Ohnonononotagain you’re right it’s not particularly helpful to OP - but if it helps someone else reading this thread, in a relationship with a drinker/drug user, get out before a pregnancy starts, it’s not in vain.

JPNeed · 06/02/2026 00:42

He is obviously unreasonable and an awful father to your daughter but I think you are unreasonable to be so shocked at his behaviour. I also think you are a bit unreasonable to be so bothered about a first birthday. You daughter literally doesn’t care so it’s not worth all the drama that’s been created over her birthday. It’s in no way your fault but you by having a baby with someone like him you are going to have to do a lot of damage limitation.
You and your daughter are probably going to have to be dealing with this type of awful behaviour for years to come.

Lugga · 06/02/2026 01:01

She is going to be absolutely fine, because you've got this.

I can't get that excited about a first birthday in that she won't know or remember, but I still think you're right because of all the broken promises. It shouldn't have been a difficult one for him to get right, especially if, as he says, he really wanted to be there on her birthday.

JMSA · 06/02/2026 03:40

Definitely not unreasonable of you!
He spoilt her birthday for himself but how convenient to blame you, OP, rather than take any kind of responsibility. Infuriating! Flowers

JMSA · 06/02/2026 03:42

PandorasSockBox · 05/02/2026 22:06

You are being unreasonable for getting involved and a child with someone so unsuitable.
Think about that!

Get back in your box, Pandora.
Best place for you.

PollyBell · 06/02/2026 03:43

ncaibu · 05/02/2026 21:34

She might not give a shit now, but it won't be long before she understands enough to know when he's let her down. I won't let him do that to her.

Show quote history

But you chose to have a child with him, you gave your child this for a father

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