Is it rude to sell things that you’ve been given? In this scenario

[Dolly10113]

We gave a close relative (Jo) a load of baby stuff. I mean loads. Enough clothes for 0-3, a baby bath, a baby carrier, toys, rocking chair. It was all hardly used and some of it brand new.

Now recently dh and I have realised that over the years we have been too generous to people with a lot of things, doing favours, giving people things, we’ve ended up being taken advantage of, so have decided to start putting ourselves first more. This might be clouding my judgement.

Anyway, we found out via another relative that Jo had been selling on all the baby things as they were in her words ‘too good to give away’.

Aibu to think that this is a bit off? If the things were too good to give away then shouldn’t she have offered them back to us?

Or is it a case of once you give someone something they should do whatever they like?

Did you give her it completely altruistically, or did you need to offload it somewhere anyway? Did you plan to sell it if you haven’t given it to her?

It wouldn’t bother me in the slightest. If I gave someone a bunch of baby clothes they were probably doing me as much of a favour by taking them as I was by giving them. Maybe they could really use the money, maybe a bunch of people have been as generous as you and they have way too much and no idea where it all came from, maybe their house is full of stuff and they don’t know anyone who needs it or where to donate loads of baby clothes.

You wanted that stuff out of your house and that's what happened.

After that I don't know why you'd give it another thought.

But your post doesn't say whether Jo actually used it first before deciding herself not to give away for free but instead to sell on. And how does the relative know if was all the stuff you gave?

It sounds like you are a bit jealous that Jo has done what you now realise you should have done.

I used to beclike you …. But now I think if you gift someone, then it’s theirs to do with as they wish - throw it in the bin if they want.
I would have ‘hated’ what Jo did, thought she was an ungrateful, cf, but these days , everything goes down the charity shop. If they can make some money on it for a good cause - great.
I certainly don’t want to see ‘Jean’ of fb , flogging it at the car boot
it would be nice to feel warm and fuzzy for the kind thing you did , but Jo’s doesn’t really seem to have read the room - and u wouldn’t be helping her out again.
oh and Jo’s mum is a big stir, who I’d also be looking at differently

We were going to sell it but then found out Jo was having a baby so we offered it.

Jo accepted and I even washed it all and sorted it into the age groups. It definitely wasn’t a case of wanting it out of the house.

Oh sorry, yeah I think she did use some of it and sold some of it straight on.

She definitely knew it was the stuff we’d given her because her mum told me.

Never give Jo anything again.

YANBU - some people just don't have the same moral values at the rest of us!

If she was desperate for money and needed to sell stuff to buy bigger sizes etc then I would think that'd be OK. But if it was a 'too good to give away' as you've said - and she's making lots of cash from your generosity then I think she's a pretty shitty individual. I hate this sort of thing but some people are just like that - selfish and not willing to help others - I'm sure plenty families would have been very grateful for some free stuff. I certainly wouldn't give her anything in the future. I'd pass anything you have in future on to a local church or a baby bank if you have one locally.

Off loading a tonne of used stuff is not always helpful I have found.
you have it away - it’s not an heirloom piece of jewellery, you didn’t say you wanted it back. Tough toenails.

Lol @ tough toenails.

We didn’t offload it. We offered it and Jo said that she wanted it, she turned down the things that she didn’t want. It wasn’t like a case of us just dumping a load of bin bags full of shite.

She knew what she was getting. Her mum even came round a few months later mooching around asking if there was anything else Jo could have.

Moral of the story is I don’t give stuff away anymore.

Of course you wanted it out of the house, that's why you were going to sell it 🤦‍♀️

But then you decided to give it to Jo, so now it's out of the house - job done.

And that's twice you've mentioned the washing.

This is the least I would expect from anyone. No-one wants crusty baby clothes.

If you give stuff away, I don't think you can really attach conditions to it. If Jo found she didn't need some of it, it's fine for her to move it on as she sees fit.

Why have you decided not to give things away anymore? That seems counterintuitive. I think once you get rid of something it’s not yours. It’s quite controlling to expect to have your say on how it is used/disposed of afterwards. Surely if you don’t need something and are happy to give it away just do it?

No. You gave it away. That's the end of your involvement. If you want to put conditions on your gift, you tell them at the outset " I'd like these back when you're finished".

I'm afraid I've always assumed that when people offer me stuff it's because they want rid of it and can't be bothered to sell it/ donate it.
Certainly if I am giving something to someone than is because I'm quite happy for them to use it and then do with it as they see fit whether that is sell it or pass it on again or donate it.

I've always assumed it was a mutually beneficial arrangement that enabled them to clear out their stuff too and that had they wanted to sell it they would have done so instead

I don’t really understand the logic. What if we compare it to cash value.

You recognised that these things had value (for arguments sake, let’s say £1000). You were going to sell them. Kindly, you realised Jo was having a baby and made a conscious decision to give to her instead, depriving yourself of the cash value. Therefore, the equivalent to giving Jo £1000 (but saving yourself the effort of selling to liquidise the asset).

Jo now has the equivalent of £1000, but tied up in 2nd hand baby stuff. She realises she doesn’t need or want some of it, so starts to liquidate the assets, being so grateful to you for the opportunity to do thst, thaf she talks about it to her mum who passes that info to you. She’s not doing it secretively.

To redraw the parallel to cash, if you had given her cash would you have laid down conditions to say it could only be spent on baby stuff? Seems reasonable - e.g. “here’s £1000 to spend on the baby”.

But would you then have laid down further conditions? “Here’s £1000 to spend on the baby. Whatever you buy for the baby, once you have finished using it (or even if you change your mind about something you bought) you must either then give it to us or donate it somewhere”. That would seem like a bloody weird gift!

I think YANBU in this situation. If I was Jo I would have passed them on to someone else rather than giving back to you (unless you’d said you wanted them back) but I agree, it’s a bit off that she sold them.

Nothing wrong with selling things like unwanted birthday or Christmas presents.

So what’s the difference? I think to me, the difference is that the baby stuff was most likely given to someone who you thought needed it, to help them out. That’s not the same as other types of gifts.

That’s cheeky of Jo. Whilst technically once she’s accepted the gift the items are hers to do as she pleased with the fact that her mum and not her told you means she knew she was being a bit sly selling it on for a profit.

I don’t think that you should stop doing this though.

When I give something away the person can do with it what they like, sell if for something else or keep or gift Im not bothered tbh

Why didn't you just give Jo first refusal on the items? When offering it to her you could have said you had lots of baby bits in excellent condition, happy to sell to her as a bundle at a reduced price.

Also you keep saying Jo wanted it and even washed bits, so I expect at the time Jo thought she would use the items but then once the baby arrived realised other people gifted items or she didn't need the things you gave her as she didn't want to use them. I bought so many baby items I thought I would need but then didn't use in the end.

I’m sorry what?

Why would they have been crusty? The stuff was already clean and stored. What I mean is I rehashed them and sorted them all out.

Why would you expect that of someone?

Obviously I didn’t dumped them round her house straight out of the dirty wash. I think it’s obvious what I meant.

Have I got this correct? She sold stuff immediately? Not when it was no longer useful? Awful awful awful.

However I don't think it's any big deal that you rewashed and sorted it. All mine arrived like that. Then I did that with all my stuff and much of it was to strangers.

Yeah, she's seeing it as a profit stream and has no class. Can't believe her mum came round for more 😱

It’s fucking cheeky but you’ll get lots of negative replies from people on here who would do exactly the same thing.

I would contact Jo and say you’ve been made aware she’s sold the clothes that were yours and is she planning to give you half the money? Embarrass the cheeky cow. And next time give the clothes to charity.

Of course it's shitty behaviour by Jo, can't believe anyone is saying otherwise. There are loads of things we can technically do because it's not illegal or whatever, but shouldn't be done because it's just rude and wrong. This is one of them.