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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex kept DS off school on his birthday (ex’s birthday)

49 replies

SpookySpookyy · 05/02/2026 08:59

It’s ex husband’s birthday today and he’s just text to say he’s kept DS home from school today as he didn’t want to be alone (ffs!) DS is 14 and has very important exams next week to determine his GCSE sets. Also DS’s attendance record since September has been poor (I’m now powerless as to what happens to his schooling as he has chosen to live with his Dad) I’m fuming! I was alone on my birthday and celebrated with my children and family after school as you do!

DS is very intelligent but does struggle with Maths and Science. He can’t afford to miss school just because. Ex also gave him days off because it snowed recently even though his school is a 10 minute walk away, He really needed to be in school today.

AIBU??

He is off out this evening for a family meal with DS so he would have celebrated with him then. Aaagh!

OP posts:
WeepingAngelInTheTardis · 05/02/2026 09:02

Your ex sounds like a little bitch, has to keep the kid off school as he doesn’t want to be alone for a few hours? Seriously? Ick.
Unfortunately I don’t think theres much you can do.

Massagetime · 05/02/2026 09:04

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
SpookySpookyy · 05/02/2026 09:05

WeepingAngelInTheTardis · 05/02/2026 09:02

Your ex sounds like a little bitch, has to keep the kid off school as he doesn’t want to be alone for a few hours? Seriously? Ick.
Unfortunately I don’t think theres much you can do.

I haven’t replied to his message as I’m too angry. Unfortunately with the way things have turned out since I separated I’m completely powerless as to what becomes of DS now. I could actually understand if ex had text months ago saying he fancies taking DS to London for the day for example and gave him the day off as a one off but DS attendance is poor as it is and he can’t afford to miss a whole day just because ex is lonely!

OP posts:
MidWayThruJanuary · 05/02/2026 09:07

Are the school taking action re his attendance?

Original poster
SpookySpookyy · 05/02/2026 09:08

Now he’s saying - “not that he should have bothered - he’s just sitting there on his own”
(DS is probably on Roblox right now) “happy birthday to me”

Im the poster that posted this time last year of DH behaving badly on his birthday! 🎁

OP posts:
WeepingAngelInTheTardis · 05/02/2026 09:19

SpookySpookyy · 05/02/2026 09:08

Now he’s saying - “not that he should have bothered - he’s just sitting there on his own”
(DS is probably on Roblox right now) “happy birthday to me”

Im the poster that posted this time last year of DH behaving badly on his birthday! 🎁

I would drive round, demand ds gets in the car and take him to school. While telling the ex to grow the fuck up, what a whinge bag good god.

Original poster
SpookySpookyy · 05/02/2026 09:39

I’m fuming! 😡

OP posts:
mindutopia · 05/02/2026 09:52

I can’t imagine many things I’d want to do less on my birthday than sitting around with my moody 14 year old while they stare at their phone all day. 😂 Was he just hungover and couldn’t be arsed to get up and make sure he got to school?

I hope the school come down hard on him. I had a parent like this. I was a ‘school refuser’ but really it was just that my parent couldn’t be bothered to parent and found it a hassle to get us all up in the morning. I was thankfully very clever, but it had a really detrimental impact on me and I had to work really hard to make up for all that lost time.

Starlight1979 · 05/02/2026 09:53

Why is he living with his dad?

Favouritefruits · 05/02/2026 09:56

I’d ring the school and tell them, they will soon have the welfare officer at the door!

purplecorkheart · 05/02/2026 09:59

I would t text back that ds needs to go to school and then actually ring the school and tell them what is happening. What a dope your ex is.

lazyarse123 · 05/02/2026 10:00

Starlight1979 · 05/02/2026 09:53

Why is he living with his dad?

The son chooses to. It's in the op.

Starlight1979 · 05/02/2026 10:07

lazyarse123 · 05/02/2026 10:00

The son chooses to. It's in the op.

Show quote history

Right. But his dad is allowing him to stay off school (in fact, encouraging it) during his most important educational years. So it's actually a welfare issue and not in his best interest to be at his dads therefore "he prefers being there" isn't really a solid argument.

Original poster
SpookySpookyy · 05/02/2026 10:12

Starlight1979 · 05/02/2026 09:53

Why is he living with his dad?

It’s a complicated situation involving a lot of gate keeping, alignment and alienation. It’s very upsetting and I don’t have much contact now with DS. It’s a bit like watching a car crash and being powerless to actually do anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpookySpookyy · 05/02/2026 10:13

purplecorkheart · 05/02/2026 09:59

I would t text back that ds needs to go to school and then actually ring the school and tell them what is happening. What a dope your ex is.

He’s probably told them DS is off sick today.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpookySpookyy · 05/02/2026 10:17

mindutopia · 05/02/2026 09:52

I can’t imagine many things I’d want to do less on my birthday than sitting around with my moody 14 year old while they stare at their phone all day. 😂 Was he just hungover and couldn’t be arsed to get up and make sure he got to school?

I hope the school come down hard on him. I had a parent like this. I was a ‘school refuser’ but really it was just that my parent couldn’t be bothered to parent and found it a hassle to get us all up in the morning. I was thankfully very clever, but it had a really detrimental impact on me and I had to work really hard to make up for all that lost time.

Edited

lol yes me either lol. Again I could understand if he was taking DS away or out for a fun day out (although it’s not ideal on a school day) but he’s just kept him off because he didn’t want to be alone (ffs!) To make matters worse our other son is in school today and won’t see his Dad at all, not even after school!

OP posts:
BlackCat14 · 05/02/2026 10:22

SpookySpookyy · 05/02/2026 10:13

He’s probably told them DS is off sick today.

Show quote history

It doesn’t matter. Ring them yourself and tell them what’s happening and request the send their attendance officer to the house. Your son can’t afford to spend the day sat playing Roblox when he has exams next week!

MayaPinion · 05/02/2026 10:33

I’d either contact the school or be clear with your ex that if he is keeping DS off he needs to make sure he’s doing revision for his upcoming exams. I’d also be very clear that it is absolutely not to happen again and you’ll inform the school if it does. Make sure your DS knows this intention too. It’s shit that your ex has made you the big bad wolf while he’s bestowing days off like some sort of Disney fairy godmother.

Original poster
SpookySpookyy · 05/02/2026 10:43

I may be applying for a CAO so this might be something I will bring up with CAFCASS to see what they say. I am concerned.

OP posts:
Diamondsareagirlsbestfrien · 05/02/2026 10:49

SpookySpookyy · 05/02/2026 10:43

I may be applying for a CAO so this might be something I will bring up with CAFCASS to see what they say. I am concerned.

Bring it up. A parent that cares about the child isn’t stupid enough to take them out of school a week before exams because it’s their birthday! That with poor attendance…

Is DS choosing to live with his other parent because he is able to doss off school and play roblox when he wants? 14 year olds can be bribed easily

Diamondsareagirlsbestfrien · 05/02/2026 10:50

If I was 14 I’d definitely be wanting to live with my parent who let me get away with anything and have days off school!!

lazyarse123 · 05/02/2026 10:53

Starlight1979 · 05/02/2026 10:07

Right. But his dad is allowing him to stay off school (in fact, encouraging it) during his most important educational years. So it's actually a welfare issue and not in his best interest to be at his dads therefore "he prefers being there" isn't really a solid argument.

Show quote history

Nobody's arguing that it's a good idea. It's just a fact at the moment.

sunshine244 · 05/02/2026 11:07

This sounds really tricky. At 14 his views will be taken into account for court. Did the attendnace issues start after he began staying with his Dad? Make sure you evidence this but also be aware that it could be argued to be related to the steess of seperation, parental disagreements etc.

I would speak to school and ignore your ex. He is likely feeding off your reactions. Look at yellow rock (a court friendly version of grey rock).

Perhaps ask if school have access to any counselling or similar services. Try to make sure you focus on your child not your ex.

Does your other child not go to contact?

Netcurtainnelly · 05/02/2026 11:15

MayaPinion · 05/02/2026 10:33

I’d either contact the school or be clear with your ex that if he is keeping DS off he needs to make sure he’s doing revision for his upcoming exams. I’d also be very clear that it is absolutely not to happen again and you’ll inform the school if it does. Make sure your DS knows this intention too. It’s shit that your ex has made you the big bad wolf while he’s bestowing days off like some sort of Disney fairy godmother.

He text her to wind her up.

She doesn't see much of her son anyway. My feeling is that if the son finds out she went to the school it will further alienate him.
Let them get on with it and don't rise to the bait because that what it is. Otherwise why text?
Just another way to look at it. Should OP try and have a happy day or end up being stressed out and angry about a situation she doesn't have much control over.

The son doesn't seem to care about his mum much either.
Once they can see she's wound up about this. What next?
Protect your own mental health and all that.

pottylolly · 05/02/2026 11:17

Contact social services. Contact the school.