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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Grandparents

32 replies

Loulou2980 · 04/02/2026 23:59

Won’t let me change the topic but anyway…. I need some advice.
So my mother and I have had a falling out. Well she’s decided she doesn’t want to have contact with me at the moment because I made it clear to her that I can’t always travel down to her to visit her with my 7 month old so she can see her grandchild. She lives an hr and 40 minutes away. 2 train rides. So I explained to her that she could always make the effort to come up to our home sometimes. A 50/50 situation. She didn’t like it so she said she wanted to some space. Of course I’m upset that I don’t have any contact with my mother unless it’s important I guess but I feel more hurt that my son doesn’t get to see his Nana. He’s growing really fast and he’s recognising faces and I’m afraid there isn’t going to be a bond between them and that really hurts my heart. Do I just make all of the effort to go to her so she gets to have a relationship with her grandchild? I’m not really sure what to do. I would be grateful for any advice you guys have.

OP posts:

HardworkSendHelp · 05/02/2026 00:04

If you offered to take turns at visiting then you r mother is being unreasonable. Much easier for your mother to get on a train than you with a child. Is she elderly/retired? Does she have other grandchildren

Tourmalines · 05/02/2026 05:14

Depends how you said it .

UncharteredWaters · 05/02/2026 05:17

She’s having a strop. Don’t reward bad behaviour or huffing.

youalright · 05/02/2026 05:21

Does she regularly use trains is this something shes definitely able to do. Its all well and good saying just get a couple of trains put if there's physical disability, mh issues or financial issues shes to embarrassed to admit there might be more to it. Is she still regularly leaving the house going to work, meeting friends.

Zanatdy · 05/02/2026 05:39

It’s not unreasonable at all. I was the one who had to make all the journeys to see my family (bar a very small number of visits) but as I moved away (250 miles) I felt obliged to be the one doing that. My mum would not have stopped speaking to me though had I suggested she visit me more. I would find that hard to move on from, that she is prepared to sacrifice seeing her grandson to make some kind of weird point. It’s hard work travelling with young DC, and yes it can be harder when older but sure you wouldn’t have suggested it had she not been capable of it.

sesquipedalian · 05/02/2026 05:52

OP, I can’t understand a grandmother who would expect her DD to travel with a seven month old rather than travelling herself to see them, and two trains is not a big deal When my DD was on maternity leave, I used to visit as often as I could, stopped only by the ruinous cost of train fares. (I live more than 1 hr 40 from my DD.) I really don’t understand your DM - could it be that she is short of money and doesn’t want to tell you?

MamaMumMama · 05/02/2026 05:57

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. Does she always have to get her way? She sounds very narcissistic. You haven’t done anything wrong. It is hard to travel with a youngster - all the kit you need to carry with you. Very strange that she wouldn’t want to come and see you. Don’t back down, that’s what she wants and then you’ll be stuck in a her way or the highway cycle. Have you got other support?

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 05/02/2026 06:02

Unless there is going to be a major dripfeed that your mum is bed bound or something, YANBU. As a PP said though, depends how you said it. Have you ever actually invited her to yours?

FruAashild · 05/02/2026 06:19

Some grandparents aren't that into their grandchildren for whatever reason. It's best to accept that sooner rather than later and make a life and support system that does not rely on her. You will be annoyed and resentful because you expect your mother to do what you want but as your parenting journey progresses you will find a mother's place is in the wrong and some day (sooner than you think) your baby will be telling you that you aren't being the kind of parent they want. That's not to say your request is unreasonable, but she might not be able to accomodate it for reasons you, as her child, know nothing about.

Lifestooshort71 · 05/02/2026 06:33

Would she be able to visit you and stay over? It's a shame to fall out but I agree the journey sounds grim for you to do often.

FavouriteBlueMug · 05/02/2026 06:37

She’s having a temper tantrum to try and train you into giving in. Not giving in will give you excellent practice for when your DS gets older?

Close relatives of ours tried the exact same thing when our children were very small. It lasted for two weeks and then they realised that not speaking to us equals not seeing the children and they turn up like nothing had ever happened.

They didn’t ever try it again.

Original poster

Loulou2980 · 05/02/2026 09:10

I’ve offered her over my house plenty of times there is always an excuse. She doesn’t have a disability or anything like that. Even when I was pregnant I was the one travelling back and forth all of the time. My baby shower had to be close by otherwise she wouldn’t go. I’ve offered to stay the night. It’s just always a no. She has no other grandchildren. Both of my siblings are grown. It’s a difficult one because I love my mum of course and I miss her but at the same time my life has been a little less stressful since she cut off communication. I try and be fair for everyone in my family but it seems it’s not enough. My son is not a toy that should be handed around all of the time.

OP posts:

Original poster

Loulou2980 · 05/02/2026 09:15

I have no other support. My partner tries to help when he can but he can be super judgmental.

OP posts:

Massagetime · 05/02/2026 09:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Nevermind17 · 05/02/2026 09:25

How old is your Mum? Does she work? Does she have an active life outside the home?

mindutopia · 05/02/2026 09:41

Set your boundaries and let her sit with it. Yes, of course, it’s nice for you to visit her a few times a year. But with small children our families 90% of the time came to us. They have all the free time in the world and are healthy enough to travel. Job done.

My mum, however, did refuse to make some changes to her quite dysfunctional life to enable her to continue to have a relationship with her grandchildren. I was very clear that if she wanted to be in their lives she had to do X. She didn’t want to do X. Made all sorts of excuses. Faked it that she was and lied to me. When I caught her out, she said, fine, I’m never changing, if that means I never see my grandchildren again, then so be it!

And so it was. She hasn’t seen them in 6 years. She was so determined to stick to her guns, so I’ve let her. Frankly, life is a lot more peaceful now and I have no regrets. My children are very happy and well adjusted and having the sort of childhood I wish my parents could have provided.

reabies · 05/02/2026 10:16

How often are you going? Can you reduce your visits? e.g. if weekly, just go every 2-3 weeks instead? The time she misses in the middle is when she would come to you, and if she doesn't then it's her loss.

SparklyGlitterballs · 05/02/2026 10:23

Well done for asserting a boundary OP. If your mum has no disabilities and is able to travel then she should be taking turns to come to you. Don't allow her to manipulate you.

What do you mean when you say your partner is 'quite judgemental'? Of you, or your mum?

Sahara123 · 05/02/2026 10:49

I would personally canoe up the Amazon to see my grandchild and indeed my children so find this hard to understand!

Stompythedinosaur · 05/02/2026 11:19

You aren't being in any way unreasonable. My dm was regularly driving 6 hours to visit me when I had a baby. It's ridiculous to expect you to do all the traveling.

But the larger issue seems to be your unsupportive partner. They shouldn't be "helping out", they have a responsibility to do half.

Can you try a family hub? Make connections with other mums in similar positions?

FlowerFairyDaisy · 05/02/2026 11:22

Your mother is behaving like a child. I would not give in to the silent treatment manipulation.

This is not on you, it's on her. If she wants to see her grandchild, she can.

Original poster

Loulou2980 · 05/02/2026 13:12

My partner is judgemental to my mum. She doesn’t work or do anything really. Thank you guys for listening to me. I’m going to allow her to have contact with me and my baby when I’m ready but I am going to stand my ground and make it clear that it’s 50/50. If she doesn’t bother to visit I won’t visit. If she doesn’t like it then it is on her.

OP posts:

Massagetime · 05/02/2026 13:39

Loulou2980 · 05/02/2026 13:12

But why do you want someone to be around you or your child who behaves like this?

This behaviour won’t even have come out of the blue. This will have been a mother who has treated you poorly (and others) many many times in the past? Don’t expose your baby to her.

HisNotHes · 05/02/2026 13:45

The only one being unreasonable here is your mum. If she wants to see you and your child she needs to make the effort to travel as much as you (or more, because you have to make the journey with a baby).
Don’t let her manipulate you, stand your ground and say no.

BigAnne · 05/02/2026 13:47

Does your DH make your mother feel unwelcome?. You said that he's super judgemental about her.

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