Grandparents

32 replies

Loulou2980 · 04/02/2026 23:59

Won’t let me change the topic but anyway…. I need some advice.
So my mother and I have had a falling out. Well she’s decided she doesn’t want to have contact with me at the moment because I made it clear to her that I can’t always travel down to her to visit her with my 7 month old so she can see her grandchild. She lives an hr and 40 minutes away. 2 train rides. So I explained to her that she could always make the effort to come up to our home sometimes. A 50/50 situation. She didn’t like it so she said she wanted to some space. Of course I’m upset that I don’t have any contact with my mother unless it’s important I guess but I feel more hurt that my son doesn’t get to see his Nana. He’s growing really fast and he’s recognising faces and I’m afraid there isn’t going to be a bond between them and that really hurts my heart. Do I just make all of the effort to go to her so she gets to have a relationship with her grandchild? I’m not really sure what to do. I would be grateful for any advice you guys have.

OP posts:

Massagetime · 05/02/2026 13:59

BigAnne · 05/02/2026 13:47

Does your DH make your mother feel unwelcome?. You said that he's super judgemental about her.

I’m “super judgemental” of @Loulou2980 ‘s mother on the basis of the information in this thread

DaisyChain505 · 05/02/2026 14:09

She sounds super unreasonable and difficult and your partners behaviour and opinion towards her speaks volumes.

It sounds like you’re used to her being this way and you having to bend over backwards to please her but you have a child now and you need to stop.

She doesn’t work, she doesn’t have a disability which makes travel difficult, she has no reason not to travel to you.

Stand your ground otherwise she’ll just continue to walk all over you.

Soonenough · 05/02/2026 14:15

I think it is so sad when someone takes an impossible stance. She seems to have a history of this. Not wanting to travel anywhere is a pain in the arse . And there is not a legitimate reason for it . Nothing you can do but try not to blame yourself. It is all on her.

Diamondsareagirlsbestfrien · 05/02/2026 14:18

Loulou2980 · 05/02/2026 09:10

I’ve offered her over my house plenty of times there is always an excuse. She doesn’t have a disability or anything like that. Even when I was pregnant I was the one travelling back and forth all of the time. My baby shower had to be close by otherwise she wouldn’t go. I’ve offered to stay the night. It’s just always a no. She has no other grandchildren. Both of my siblings are grown. It’s a difficult one because I love my mum of course and I miss her but at the same time my life has been a little less stressful since she cut off communication. I try and be fair for everyone in my family but it seems it’s not enough. My son is not a toy that should be handed around all of the time.

She just can’t be asked to put the effort in and expects you to do the journey because you have been doing it in the past. It’s out of order for your mum to expect you to lug your 7 month old on 2 trains 1 hour 40 mins every time to go visit her. She is more upset that she isn’t getting her own way than missing out on you and your son.

Diamondsareagirlsbestfrien · 05/02/2026 14:18

It’s just pure laziness. She’s been used to everyone visiting her I bet, it’s too much of an effort for her

MajorProcrastination · 05/02/2026 14:19

She's stopped talking to you? Eww. I really hate that childish behaviour. Grow up. It doesn't matter that it's worded as her not wanting contact at the moment, it's still a playground tactic. (That I also hated as a child and would avoid friendships with anyone who did this.)

You're not being unreasonable to suggest it's 50/50 you to her and her to you. It's hard travelling with a little one, they need changing and entertaining and so much stuff! And it's expensive at a time when your income's likely to be lower.

Please don't feel guilty. Rise above. Approach with grace. You're offering her an opportunity to have a good relationship and it's her responsibility to pull her weight and not be a little princess on her throne waiting for people to come to her. It's sad that he's not seeing her but that's not your fault, it's your mother's choice to be inflexible and uncollaborative.

Be clear about your boundaries. "I can afford to come down once a month"
Put a positive spin on it "I want you to see him in his usual environment, he wants to show you his favourite park / farm / beach"

You're a mum. You're his mum. You can't be bullied by your own mum any more.

Hang on, I've just re-read your post and not sure I've understood how often she's expecting you to go to her?!

5128gap · 05/02/2026 14:22

I wouldn't worry about the bond with DS just yet. How often a 7m old sees a person makes no difference to the long term bond
Focus on your own relationship with your mother and give some thought to what you want that to look like, and if it's achievable. How much are you prepared to compromise and will the benefit to you be worth it? There's a balance between tolerating people's difficult ways and letting them ride rough shod over you, and you need to decide where that lies.
You may decide the relationship is good enough overall to go to her. You may decide this is just the latest in a history of her calling the shots then manipulating you with sulks. Work that out first.

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