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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you date your exes friend?

39 replies

Wishthingswerenouting · 04/02/2026 08:11

Very controversial I’m sure.

if you had been in a relationship for 15 years, had broken up 3 years ago for a number of reasons but not least because you were raped, and your exes friend made their move stating they’ve always fancied you would you do it?

more context:

  • you knew the friend before your ex
  • they are very attractive
  • it would be a strict “one time fun” thing only
  • your ex has been a bastard since the breakup
  • you do share dc so have some contact
  • youve recently been enjoying single time and have found a thrill in casual sex and figuring out your sexuality after being in a relationship most of your life

would you enjoy the secret fantasy of shagging his hot friend or would you morally avoid at all cost?

OP posts:
Original poster
Wishthingswerenouting · 04/02/2026 08:12

just realised the title says date! While a date has been proposed, I wouldn’t be interested in that

OP posts:
dudsville · 04/02/2026 08:15

Given the context you describe I think this would just add more mess to an already pretty messed up situation. I would look for another attractive man.

tryingtobesogood · 04/02/2026 08:16

God no, this has shit show written all over it. He’s your scummy ex’s friend which means he has very bad taste in friends. Set the bar higher than the floor.

WellThatsAlrightThen · 04/02/2026 08:17

I wouldn’t because there’s still contact because of DC. Fir me it wouldn’t be worth any sort of friction. If I didn’t have shared DC then I would do what I wanted.

Original poster
Wishthingswerenouting · 04/02/2026 08:17

dudsville · 04/02/2026 08:15

Given the context you describe I think this would just add more mess to an already pretty messed up situation. I would look for another attractive man.

Thanks for your reply can I ask what you mean by add to? It would very much be a secret and one time thing. I do agree it’s playing with fire but there’s almost 0% chance of it getting out for various reasons

OP posts:
Original poster
Wishthingswerenouting · 04/02/2026 08:18

tryingtobesogood · 04/02/2026 08:16

God no, this has shit show written all over it. He’s your scummy ex’s friend which means he has very bad taste in friends. Set the bar higher than the floor.

Well that’s the thing they don’t really speak anymore at all. They were friends for a long time however and have mutual friends

OP posts:
Ohnonononotagain · 04/02/2026 08:19

If he was a close friend of your ex he probably has been told intimate details about you. Presumably he knows about your rape. And I would suspect he sees you as vulnerable and is taking advantage of you.

Original poster
Wishthingswerenouting · 04/02/2026 08:20

Ohnonononotagain · 04/02/2026 08:19

If he was a close friend of your ex he probably has been told intimate details about you. Presumably he knows about your rape. And I would suspect he sees you as vulnerable and is taking advantage of you.

Edited

100% he does not as my ex outright denies it and would be worried sick about anyone finding out. The only people that know are me and him

OP posts:
Evaka · 04/02/2026 08:22

Mad idea. But I suspect you'll do it anyway.

ExtraOnions · 04/02/2026 08:24

Secret’s don’t stay secrets …

Is the hassle worth it for a 30 minute pump and run?

Ncforthis2267 · 04/02/2026 08:25

Bad bad bad idea! Of course it will get out. He'll get pissed and joke about it to a mutual friend. Ex will hear. Who knows what he'll do. Maybe he will tell your kids. Maybe he'll come over and stick a knife in your throat.

Plenty more blokes out there looking for a no strings easy lay love.

KimuraTan · 04/02/2026 08:34

Ohnonononotagain · 04/02/2026 08:19

If he was a close friend of your ex he probably has been told intimate details about you. Presumably he knows about your rape. And I would suspect he sees you as vulnerable and is taking advantage of you.

Edited

This. And you sound like you enjoy the drama of it all. Men talk and you’ll probably enjoy throwing it in your ex’s face at some point. Do the freedom programme and heal yourself - step away from your ex and his circle of friends. They sound no good at all. Predators IMO

RoachFish · 04/02/2026 08:38

Absolutely not. Do the dignified thing and move away from your ex and his friends. You have kids together, if your ex is as horrific as he sounds he will find out and use this against you by telling your kids their mum sleeps with his friends.

NotnowMildrid · 04/02/2026 08:46

I would BUT you have to be realistic and concede that at some point one way or another other, it is very likely it will get back to your ex.

Could you handle that?

Secrets only remain secrets if one person knows about them, and there are two of you, you and him.

xOlive · 04/02/2026 08:47

God no.
You have children involved. It will 100% get out and then they’ll have an angry Dad and a worried/scared Mum.
All that for a shag? Find someone else.
I could walk outside for 5 minutes and find 10 men willing to have sex, you don’t have to look very hard for them.

AwfullyGood · 04/02/2026 08:48

Absolutely not, especially in those circumstances.

usaywhat · 04/02/2026 08:49

Don’t do it
could
it be a setup

TragicMuse · 04/02/2026 08:51

He says secret. You have no way of guaranteeing that. Changes are he’ll tell his mates about it, including your ex, and it won’t be a secret any more.

CinnamonBuns67 · 04/02/2026 09:01

As you've got kids together and it'll just be a shag then no, your ex will find out and that will cause unnecessary drama in your co parenting relationship, no shag is worth that as it disrupts your kids peace. If you didn't have kids with your ex, I'd say whilst I thought it is a little tacky to go shag an ex's mate (and I use that term loosely as a mate wouldn't shag another mates ex), that you should do what you want. I think you should look for sex outside elsewhere.

Starlight1979 · 04/02/2026 09:10

Evaka · 04/02/2026 08:22

Mad idea. But I suspect you'll do it anyway.

This.

PardonMe3 · 04/02/2026 09:11

Absolutely not.

Stuckinthemiddlewithyouuhoh · 04/02/2026 09:14

Why would you do that when you’ve got children with your ex?

you just risking so much shit for them for nothing

Find someone else which won’t be difficult

and maybe think about your kids

Blondeshavemorefun · 04/02/2026 09:16

Friend would blab to ex

i shagged your ex last night. Cor she’s a right cracker /shit in bed

avoid

JamesClyman · 04/02/2026 11:23

Yes and I have done so. In fact, I married her.

Original poster
Wishthingswerenouting · 04/02/2026 11:51

I’m pretty much 100% sure he wouldn’t blab to ex. Even if he did, we’re not together so what could he actually say? Have a poor opinion of me? He has that anyway? Say he doesn’t want to talk to me? He doesn’t anyway. It wouldn’t affect our children as they have set days with him.

if he done the same to me I genuinely wouldn’t care but I’d raise an eyebrow at my friend.

I’ve not decided but I’m not writing it off just yet.

OP posts:
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