To feel so guilty and responsible?

[dontknowhim]

In a previous relationship I was a stepmother to a little girl (while she ages 1-6)

Although her dad didn’t treat me great and was a lot older he was an incredibly father to her. He had her most of the time and she only really saw her mom every couple of weeks which was always full of upset and neglect.

When we split up he tried to get me to stay in contact for her but I eventually moved away and stopped replying to his messages, not because of her and I know this upset her at the time.

I heard her father died a couple of years later and felt very sad and worried for her being left with her mother, I heard rumours from previous mutual friends about how terrible she was and that she was annoyed about having to step up. I really wanted to reach out but I was pregnant with my first child, assumed her mother wouldn’t be happy if i did and so never did.
I have thought about and worried about her often over the years, am now married with 3 young dc of my own.

I saw someone at the weekend who told me that she has been in hospital for several months, anorexia, self harm and several suicide attempts. Mum has new boyfriend, new kids and had previously kicked her out. I’m completely devastated for her.

I feel so guilty and that if maybe I had remained in contact or reached out that I could have been some support and things could be different for her. I knew she didn’t have any other real family or support around her. I think it is now my responsibility to try and reach out and try and help her.

DH has obviously said I can if that’s what I want but that it’s not my responsibility and is very likely she won’t want to hear from me or even remember me or be anything I can do.

AIBU to feel so responsible? What can I do? Can I phone the hospital she is in?

Aw, OP, that sounds really difficult and it's testament to you as a person to feel so bad about this.

I dont believe there's anything you could have done to have taken away her trauma, though. The people she needed were her parents and unfortunately her dad died and her mum was abusive and negligent. No-one can undo that, please don't blame yourself.

Realistically op, someone who had been in an abusive relationship with this girls dad and disappeared when she was 6 wouldn't have been a welcome addition in her life.

You don't know her, what her needs are, she may not remember you, she may see that your life is great and you have the family she wanted and resent you, her parents could have said anything about you, you just don't know.

Trying to insert yourself into her life at this point, with everything going on with her mental health, is entirely about you and not about what's best for her.

I think it's really nice that you care but she needs really consistent adults who can prioritise her needs.

Dealing with young people in trouble is enormously time consuming and emotionally difficult. You've got three young DC - you really don't have the capacity to be that person.

It's a real shame she's struggling but very much not your responsibility.

You were a mother figure to her from 1 -6 then ducked out, despite knowing she was upset about this?

Fair enough, your life, not your blood, your choice. But if you get back in touch be prepared for a long, emotional haul, she is understandably a very troubled soul, and in my opinion it would be wrong to insert yourself again only to withdraw when it gets difficult.

It wasn’t an abusive relationship, he just wasn't faithful and twice my age. I remained in some contact until she was 8.

I know that probably doesn’t change anything but like you said I don’t know? What if she has thought of me since or wished she had someone who would make contact and care about her?

If she wanted to find you, she would.

You're feeling guilty, but that's you're feelings to manage.

She's going through enough right now.

I was young, I tried remaining in contact for her but it was difficult being in contact with her father. I had to move away to work, I trusted that she was very safe and happy in his care though.

If she wanted contact now I absolutely would not withdraw if it got difficult.

I really don't think it would be appropriate to get in touch with her.

Your time to stay in touch was years ago. Not now.

With respect you don’t know how difficult it could get. What if she wanted to live with you, or behaved in a way that hurt your DC?

I think if you left her life some years ago, it’s too late now. She needs reliable people who love her and care for her, you’d be going back into her life from a place of guilt. It’s one of the many reasons I think it’s not good to introduce step parent figures into a child’s life - the impact when the relationship breaks down and kids lose yet another attachment figure is too great. It’s done now and I suspect there are many factors that have undermined her wellbeing, you’re part of the picture but not the whole picture.

Unless she has reason to contact you I’d let things lie.

I assume if she is sectioned it wouldn’t go straight to her if I phoned?

There would be someone in charge of her care who knows her better who would be able to immediately say it wouldn’t be appropriate or helpful or that maybe it might. Even if not now but when she is released or doing better my number could be given to her if she wanted to make contact?

Please don't contact her. You're doing it because you feel guilty, not because it's actually the right thing to do.

If she’s sectioned she is seriously unwell and doesn’t need the complication of a long lost parental figure in her life. What would you be hoping to achieve by contacting her?

Please don't insert yourself into this vulnerable young woman's life to appease your own sense of guilt.

The poor girl, please do reach out, even if she's not interested it will be comforting to know you care.

It's been a sad case of circumstances and no, you aren't responsible, her Mum is and it's horrible she's such a terrible one.

Tragic about her Dad; has clearly been brought up with love and affection from him, though him passing will have had a profound impact.

You would need to think very carefully about what your offer was before you did this. This is a highly vulnerable young woman who could have very high needs for support. How much time, headspace and emotional energy do you have to offer her? The odd visit, messages, a meaningful friendship, a maternal role? What if she wants more? Can you manage that without hurting her further or compromising your family?
You want to reach out to resolve your (unnecessary and misplaced) guilt, but you could end up creating a worse situation for her and your family.
You were presumably kind to the child when you were in her life, and the way things turned out after that is not your fault or responsibility.

I don’t know. I don’t have any expectation, I just thought there is a possibility that someone reaching out (although too late) and caring about her could provide some comfort or support. I really don’t think she has anyone else.

At least if she had my number, she would know she could phone if she ever wanted to even in years time. If she doesn’t then fine, I don’t expect anything.

Her dad died and her mum was neglectful and abandoned her. You couldn't have fixed the damage that caused. You are not responsible and have nothing to feel guilty about.

If she is sectioned she is very, very mentally unwell. You popping up now could very much impact on her emotionally in a negative way. Why would you create more turmoil in the life of a young woman who has already experienced so much turmoil that she is now being detained without her consent? You might know know a lot about mental health, so I am not blaming you here, but if you don't then maybe that's why you can't see that you interjecting now could bring up all sorts of stuff from the past and not be the helpful gesture that you think it might be.

Also, I have to be honest, would you be even thinking of getting back in touch if she wasn't in such distress? Because that's honestly White Knight syndrome at its finest - riding in to fix the day (assuage some guilt?) and seeking validation at best and admiration at worst. You might be coming from the best possible place, but in all honesty the ship has sailed and the worst possible time to try and instigate contact is during a mental health crisis.

You're thinking more of you and not her - you might get really cross reading that and think that I am wrong - but if you were thinking of her, you would let the professionals take care of her and not insert yourself into her current crisis. Also, you're assuming she wants to hear from you - has she tried to contact you in the intervening years? If not then you have your answer. Sorry if my reply is a bit tough love, but my own sister has been sectioned three times and lives with very complex mental health problems and I have seen one too many people with good intentions come and go and leave more chaos in their wake - again doubtless not your intention, but unless you're experienced in dealing with people in crisis then it's easy to make things ten times worse though naivety.

I really don’t want to to it to absolve my own guilt, only so she knows she has the option and someone cares.

Whether she wanted to speak to me or not, the guilt that I didn’t stay in contact before won’t be any less.

You are doing it for your own reasons though.

If you hadn't heard this news about her you wouldn't be bothered about contacting her.

You want to jump in and 'fix' her, with absolutely no regard for her whatsoever.

It's definitely not your fault she is mentally unwell.

How old is she roughly? If still a teenager then you might be of some help if you contact her. But if she’s a fully fledged adult then I think it’s too little, too late. The damage is done. But the guilt belongs to her parents, not you. I think if she’s an adult you could end up opening a world of pain for you and your own children, but the same goes if she’s a teenager really. She sounds very troubled and you have children of your own to worry about.

OP you sound like a very kind lady. That being said you have nothing to feel guilty and you do not have responsibility in how this young ladys life has turned out, the one who should be bearing any of the guilt is her mother. Personally I would leave things alone, let this young lady recover and maybe in the future if you really want to be part of her life, reach out when she's been stable a while and has the headspace to deal with it.

Not your fault any of this happened.
You don't know what triggered it-could be anything.
You could ring the ward and tell them the situation.
They won't be able to discuss what's going on with her obviously but you could ask advice as to whether they think it would be advisable or not for you to be in touch with her. If yes, you could leave your number to give her the option or for the ward to contact you with her permission if she's allowed and would like visitors.
How old is she OP?

Yes, she is old enough to decide who she does and doesn't want in her life, so make contact in a way that doesn't force her to respond, and give her the option.

It's irrelevant what your motivations are - this woman needs all the help she can get from the sounds of it!

Good luck. X