To feel so guilty and responsible?

[dontknowhim]

In a previous relationship I was a stepmother to a little girl (while she ages 1-6)

Although her dad didn’t treat me great and was a lot older he was an incredibly father to her. He had her most of the time and she only really saw her mom every couple of weeks which was always full of upset and neglect.

When we split up he tried to get me to stay in contact for her but I eventually moved away and stopped replying to his messages, not because of her and I know this upset her at the time.

I heard her father died a couple of years later and felt very sad and worried for her being left with her mother, I heard rumours from previous mutual friends about how terrible she was and that she was annoyed about having to step up. I really wanted to reach out but I was pregnant with my first child, assumed her mother wouldn’t be happy if i did and so never did.
I have thought about and worried about her often over the years, am now married with 3 young dc of my own.

I saw someone at the weekend who told me that she has been in hospital for several months, anorexia, self harm and several suicide attempts. Mum has new boyfriend, new kids and had previously kicked her out. I’m completely devastated for her.

I feel so guilty and that if maybe I had remained in contact or reached out that I could have been some support and things could be different for her. I knew she didn’t have any other real family or support around her. I think it is now my responsibility to try and reach out and try and help her.

DH has obviously said I can if that’s what I want but that it’s not my responsibility and is very likely she won’t want to hear from me or even remember me or be anything I can do.

AIBU to feel so responsible? What can I do? Can I phone the hospital she is in?

But what option does she have with you? A coffee every now and again? A sounding board? Support when she’s in crisis? Move in with you and your family?

Your life has moved on, I can’t imagine you can offer the level of support she might need post hospitalisation, you may never have crossed her mind over the years or she may blame you for how life has turned out. You don’t know how she views you and it may not be positively.

i imagine you feel sad for the child that she was, but you may do more harm than good.

It's a very unfortunate situation but it really isn't your responsibility.

Her dad died and her mum has letter her down badly. It's no wonder that she has a lot of struggles. She may not remember you and evemn if she does, you may be another source of her anger and frustration.

As a mum of 3, your duty now is to them and not to add a further complication into their life, which your pursuit may turn out to be.

It may actually be kinder to do nothing. With a history of loss and abandonment, if you had to step away again for any reason (i.e. prioritising your children), it may even make a bad situation worse.

I have always wanted to contact her at some point. If i was told she was at uni, happy and doing well then I absolutely would still want to let her know I had thought about and still cared about her.

I reached out to the past friend who I know still lived near by mainly to ask if he knew how she was doing. I don’t know for certain that she is sectioned and why, he doesn’t have direct contact with her. He just told me that she had been in hospital for a while and what he’d heard about why.

Of course I don’t want to cause more distress and trust the professionals to care for her, I’m not assuming she would want contact or that they would even pass on that I had phoned if they thought it it would be unhelpful.

She’s 18

I've always wanted to go to Fiji, but I haven't - if you haven't done something then you haven't done it. And choosing to do it now at the worst time is really incomprehensible to me when you could cause more damage - I am not the only person who has told you this on this thread.

And definitely don't do as another poster suggested and contact the ward - they won't give you any information and they won't pass on your number - you'd being incredibly cheeky to consider taking up clinical staff time with this. They are busy delivering essential care, not dealing with enquries from a very old acquaintance.

Also getting third hand information that probably isn't even accurate though a past friend just sounds so murky - you don't know the true information because you are not in her life. Now is not the time to be part of it. As I said before, if you wanted to maintain that relationship you would have. The people who deserve to know the details of her situation are those in her life now. Again, not being brutal but I am a bit concerned you can't see all of this for yourself.

I no you think you are being kind, but reaching out absolutely is to absolve your own guilt. She doesn’t need the added complication and instability of an adult who was connected to her dad but left her behind, getting in contact now.

You don’t need to feel guilty, she isn’t yours, but you should leave her alone in my opinion.

I would think very carefully about what you are inviting into your life and your children's lives OP. I've worked with young people with emotional and behavioural disorders and it can be extremely demanding and draining. Many young people in this situation struggle with boundaries and can often put excessive demands on your time, attention and emotional resources. It sounds like this young woman needs a lot of support and professional help, a lot more than you can offer her. You have no need to feel guilty - you are and were not her parent and even if you had stayed in touch, the outcome of losing her dad and her neglectful mother would likely have been the same.

I do not think you should feel guilty. You were young and needing to escape from a failing relationship. You would have had to get involved with her hostile mother when you were needing to move on with your life.

Your instinct to try and help this young woman is laudable and could possibly be helpful to her. But it is very important indeed that you think this through properly.

In her eyes you have let her down once at a time when she was vulnerable. If you are going to get involved, the most important thing is that you are prepared for the long haul ... making the decision to get involved entails not "letting her down" again.

This is a young woman who is emotionally damaged, insecure and very needy. She will make demands of you and it is vital that you are able to be there for her if you once decide to get involved. Better not to offer than to do so and not be able to meet the likely demands.

I think you are going to have to be as objective as possible here. I know it is hard.

You have two choices here:
... leave things be
... offer to help in the full knowledge that it might involve a big commitment

I admire your feeling that you wish to in some way make amends for what happened earlier in your life but please only do so with your eyes wide open.