Sad I don't have a life, is this normal for a working mum

[ttworkingmama]

We have a family of three, DH and a DD who is in her first year of secondary school. DH and I have stable jobs and the work life balance is pretty good. We do not get any help from family but we are lucky to be able to visit them every year, it is something I look forward to a lot.

Ever since I had my DD I have been feeling very tired. Initially I was pretty depressed and anxious about everything. Things got better as I went back to work, but ever since, I have been so fatigued.

On a day where DD was at nursery and I'm off from work, I would be all refreshed in the morning to walk 10 minutes to a supermarket nearby, thinking I'd do this and that, but once I came back home, I had to lie down until it was pick-up time. We now do online grocery shopping.
I've since learned I am severely anaemic, which I've been taking supplements on and off. Vit D was also low but I'm just not great at looking after myself and keep forgetting to take supplements.

Before covid, I went to the office 4 days a week, and was always in a rush to get back home to pick DD up, get things done, but I was more fit and energised.

Ever since I've been working from home and my life really is stuck at home. I wake up, see DD go to school (sometimes I drive her) and once I am back home, I go back to bed until 8:59 am. I do work really hard (often eating crap food for lunch to get work done) until it's time for DD to come home. I have been promoted every other year and have a really good reputation at work, so that's paying off. Once she's back, she gets on with her things like homework while I try to finish up some of my work as well. We have family dinner together, some nagging about taking a shower, getting ready for school, maybe watch some TV etc and go to bed around 9:30 pm.

There are on average three days per week I don't step out of the house at all. Two other days, I step outside to drive 15 mins. Whenever I have some free time, I need to lie down..

Weekends are a little more than that, DD goes for fixtures, lessons and activities and DH and I spend it shipping her around. We try to make weekends more interesting so we might go to the village to grab something nice to eat and go for a walk. Sometimes I meet friends with DD and their children. It's lovely but also quite taxing. Then it's Monday again.

Today I saw a post with a question of what thrills you post 40. I realised I have no life of my own. What should I have done differently to shape it better? Or is this the fate of a working mum?

Apologies for the long post.

No, this isn't the fate of a working mum - not one with an older child anyway. It sounds like you're really unwell and you need to prioritise your health. Maybe you're stuck in a loop of being too tired to take care of yourself? Could your DH help by bringing you whatever medication you need every morning to really tackle the anaemia?

@Taweofterror thank you for the suggestion. I actually have been taking prescribed supplements (really strong ones) for a couple of months but it's yet to show the effects.

Other than the anaemia have you been to the doctors to explore the fatigue? There could be so many underlying causes from thyroid to depression, but i would say its not usual to be so tired.

I am a single mum to 3 DC, and now they are teens i feel i have got my social life back, despite having a demanding, full time job! What did you used to enjoy? I am part of a hiking group, and breakfast club, i go and see live bands, and have joined a book club.

Its ok to not be sociable but if you feel something is missing, start there - what would you like to be different?

Also consider your diet - since i eat an unprocessed plant based diet and since switching i have tons more energy.

I think you should get up to date blood tests to check whether there is anything else going on and then prioritise taking the medication or supplements that will help. From there move on to ensuring you do a short walk each day and gradually build on that.

@mamajong @FuzzyWolf blood was checked pretty recently and the anaemia was the only thing that stood out. No issues with Thyroid.. but haven't checked specifically if I am depressed. Maybe worth a try.
Diet and exercise is definitely something I need to look out for but with the tiredness I just can't find the time or energy to. I'd rather lie down.
One thing I'm thinking of is going to the office maybe starting from once a week.

I would recommend getting a full blood work and tests done. I had all of these symptoms and others for years and it turns out I was coeliac (and was already diagnosed with an underactive thyroid) so it turns out no matter what I took I wasn’t absorbing what I needed. I feel so so much better now that I’m gluten free. It’s like a whole new world if I’m honest

Get your iron and vitamin levels sorted because you can’t build a life like that

not lying - with kids it’s hard to have much for yourself but you need to be primed to take opportunities. And then when the kids grow you need to know what you want next.

I have a daughter the same age and a son 2 years older, and what you're saying tracks with how I felt 4 or 5 years ago. Now that they're older and more independent, I've looked for opportunities to do stuff for myself, get back into hobbies and time with friends

Start small... find one evening a week where you can finish work at a reasonable time and find an activity to do that you like... a yoga class, an hour in the gym, a book club, a knit & natter, whatever.

It will take a little bit of pushing yourself out of your comfort zone but it's worth it

If you have a rubbish diet and don’t do any exercise/ leave the house that will make you feel very shit. It’s like a vicious circle.

Has the anaemia been resolved? And the vitamin D deficiency? Anaemia really can make you feel very shit. Of levels aren’t improving then you may need different treatment. Have you been given tablets?

I’d start by improving diet then fitting in a daily walk outside. You need fresh air, daylight and movement.

Once you have focused on those areas if you still feel rubbish then there could be some chronic fatigue issue.

It sounds like you've got yourself into a rut and have lost your confidence.

And if the anaemia isn’t resolving or improving with treatment then that should be investigated as there could be other issues behind that.

No it doesn’t sound normal op - you need to get the tiredness sorted.

Im a single mum of 3 and have been for 17 years - I force myself to be at work by 8:30 at the latest (also WFH) and finish between 16:30 and 5 - I also try and walk round the block at least every day.

I am shattered and sleep in weekends but I’m 56 this year, menopausal, with b12 deficiency, thyroid issues and other things.

please get the tiredness looked into more - because I get it - it’s shit but it can be managed

I would feel pretty lethargic if I didn't get any time outside and at least going for a few brisk walks a day. I have a dog so I'm outside for about 3 hours a day (2 long walks and one short) and it does wonders for my enery levels. Exercising also makes me want to eat healthier.

It sounds like you are in a viscious circle, you are tired so you don't do anything which makes you more tired and your boy then tells you it needs energy so you eat crap.

As well as the supplements I would make sure you’re drinking 2 litres of water every day and eating plenty of protein, vegetables and fruit. As tired as you are you need to fuel your body properly. UPFs/chocolate/bread/crisps aren’t nourishing your body.

i have had to wfh the last few weeks and it has had this effect on me. The going back to bed until 8.59 is exactly what I do. I have 2 teen dds and no weekend activities

I find the less I do the tireder I am! I tend to get up at 5:30, take the dog out, prep packed lunches, login to work for 6:30 and work until around 16:30, walk the dog again, make dinner, go to the gym, see friends, around 10pm I might do a bit more work then bed at 11. My weekends are pretty busy too. I only ever get tired when I stop doing all of this.

You need to get on top of the anaemia, because that is very likely to be what is causing this fatigue. I struggle with it too but I've learned to be very disciplined about taking my supplements (I notice you said that you take them on and off). I take spatone which is iron infused water because I find that's much kinder on my stomach - one per day most of the month and two per day during my period - with fruit juice on an empty stomach every morning without fail. Go back regularly to get your blood tested until your ferritin stores are optimal level (they will say they are ok at a pretty low level but you need them to be optimal, which is quite a bit higher). If supplements don't work quickly enough, then ask for an iron transfusion.

I also have had a vitamin D deficiency and I take that in spray form every morning without fail. I keep it in my makeup bag and spray it in my mouth while I'm getting ready for the day.

If they are not working then ask for an iron transfusion. Low iron and low vitamin D cause depression as well as fatigue. You're not going to be able to get into a regular routine with exercise or healthy eating until you've got these sorted out. Trust me, I tried!

See gp full check.
Join one weekly thing for you eg WI choir book club ramblers walking parkrun ceramics evening class. . Something out of house for you

If you are taking strong iron supplement and they are not working that needs to be investigated. I’m assuming you know not to take with caffeine and if you take with vitamin C that can help absorption?

I couldn’t tolerate the tablets but did have success with Spatone. Think my body just absorbed it better. Though at one point post birth my levels were so low I had to have a transfusion. I would go back to doctors for more investigations and really work out why levels are not improving. It can take time but you should be seeing some improvement.

Thank you so much everyone. I have a few ideas to work off now:

• Look out for symptoms to relieve, otherwise ask for something more to the GP, such as additional blood tests (if not follow-up ones) or iron transfusion. I'm already taking very high dosage iron supplement prescribed (that I'll make sure to take with juice!) and think Spatone would be a longer term thing once the levels are back to normal-ish.
• I think my mood could also be related to the low iron and vit D levels so look out for that as well - it should get better with the medication kicking in. If not, maybe I need further consultations.
• Get active, push myself to get out and take a walk and gradually increase time and frequency. I hope this will be easier with the days getting longer. Also try to find a passion or interest area that I might take some time on my own to enjoy and socialise with others.

I teared up a bit while reading all of your comments, because I always thought it's part of parenthood, part of being a mum, and something I just need to endure and live through. I now understand it's not a usual situation that I need to deal with differently. I really appreciate your feedback.

Also I need to work on eating healthy! I do have a very healthy dinner because that's when DC is home. Breakfast would still be pretty simple but I can and must change what I eat for lunch.

Go back to the GP, you may need more than just the iron tablets.

being stuck in a rut of being tired and lethargic can also be a bit of a vicious cycle. Do you feel as tired if you’re out of routine, say on holiday?

But this isn’t normal mums life post 40. You should still feel you are able to do the majority of the things you want to do. At 40 I’m the most active I’ve ever been as my kids are older and I have time for my own very active hobbies. You should have energy for yourself to allow you to enjoy your free time.

You need to take an iron supplement with a vitamin c tab at some point in the day where you have a four hour window with no tea, coffee or dairy. Sometimes I put an alarm on to take it at 6am then go back to sleep and don’t have coffee before 8. Every other day if that’s easier for your digestion. Then vit d at bed.

I'm not clear whether the "supplements" you're taking are prescription iron supplements or just an OOC vitamin. The latter might not be enough. Agree that you need to take iron with vitamin C (glass of orange juice) and avoiding caffeine to really get the benefits.

I'd keep a diary of your fatigue levels and what you eat to show to the doctor. I think your diet would have to be really quite poor to give the fatigue levels to describe: two decent meals and a pack of crisps for lunch (while not great) wouldn't have this effect for most people. I think a diary would help a doctor see quite how low your energy levels are.

This might sound weird but do you snore? Sleep apnoea can cause intense tiredness like you describe.