Sad I don't have a life, is this normal for a working mum

[ttworkingmama]

We have a family of three, DH and a DD who is in her first year of secondary school. DH and I have stable jobs and the work life balance is pretty good. We do not get any help from family but we are lucky to be able to visit them every year, it is something I look forward to a lot.

Ever since I had my DD I have been feeling very tired. Initially I was pretty depressed and anxious about everything. Things got better as I went back to work, but ever since, I have been so fatigued.

On a day where DD was at nursery and I'm off from work, I would be all refreshed in the morning to walk 10 minutes to a supermarket nearby, thinking I'd do this and that, but once I came back home, I had to lie down until it was pick-up time. We now do online grocery shopping.
I've since learned I am severely anaemic, which I've been taking supplements on and off. Vit D was also low but I'm just not great at looking after myself and keep forgetting to take supplements.

Before covid, I went to the office 4 days a week, and was always in a rush to get back home to pick DD up, get things done, but I was more fit and energised.

Ever since I've been working from home and my life really is stuck at home. I wake up, see DD go to school (sometimes I drive her) and once I am back home, I go back to bed until 8:59 am. I do work really hard (often eating crap food for lunch to get work done) until it's time for DD to come home. I have been promoted every other year and have a really good reputation at work, so that's paying off. Once she's back, she gets on with her things like homework while I try to finish up some of my work as well. We have family dinner together, some nagging about taking a shower, getting ready for school, maybe watch some TV etc and go to bed around 9:30 pm.

There are on average three days per week I don't step out of the house at all. Two other days, I step outside to drive 15 mins. Whenever I have some free time, I need to lie down..

Weekends are a little more than that, DD goes for fixtures, lessons and activities and DH and I spend it shipping her around. We try to make weekends more interesting so we might go to the village to grab something nice to eat and go for a walk. Sometimes I meet friends with DD and their children. It's lovely but also quite taxing. Then it's Monday again.

Today I saw a post with a question of what thrills you post 40. I realised I have no life of my own. What should I have done differently to shape it better? Or is this the fate of a working mum?

Apologies for the long post.

I was going to come along and say that you definitely need to get out of the house every day. You need to invest in yourself to make you a better long term employee. It’s great you’ve had the promotions but if you’re feeling so unwell where is the point where you get to enjoy the success. Go into your work diary and block out 1hr for lunch each day, not 30 mins because if that’s at all encroached on you won’t have enough time for a quick but healthy bite and a short walk. Invest in a supermarket dry robe and look at some of the charities which do the 50
miles in feb type challenges to spur you on. You can try this and see how you feel while also following up the medical route which also seems a really good idea.

When you do lie down do you feel you are actually resting?
maybe look at doing restorative yoga or yoga nidra…. It would give you something nice to look forward to but very relaxing

I also felt the same and tested for very low iron, turns out I was coeliac and wasn’t absorbing vitamins properly but didn’t have any of the stomach issues so was completely unaware I had a food issue. As others have suggested get a full blood panel done as this sounds more than the general drudgery of life tiring you out.

Obviously you need the gp to rule our anything medical.

What happens if you don't go and lie down? Are you able to push through it? Are you eating enough?

I think you need to get medical advice.

I am mid-40s, primary age DC, work from home (professional job)

I get outside each day, average 15,000 steps per day, I run twice a week and do strength training at the gym 3x a week and have a social life. Feel fine.

I also agree the less I do the more lethargic I feel.

OP, it’s a bit alarming that you think this is normal. Why on earth would you think that every mother is permanently exhausted to the point that they virtually never leave the house and have to go back to bed after the school run?

Wow that's a lot of time exercising out of the house! Great for you, but not everyone would be able to fit this in. I can just about do three times and even that's a stretch.

I definitely have felt tired in the past OP but it sounds like yours is on another level. When I had anaemia I could barely lift myself off the bed / chair.

Wow that's a lot of time exercising out of the house! Great for you, but not everyone would be able to fit this in. I can just about do three times and even that's a stretch

@Ionlymakejokestodistractmyself the steps are the school run. So many people say they don’t have time to walk but for me by the time you factor in traffic and finding parking it’s easier to walk.

The strength training & cardio are my priority. I rarely watch TV, don’t have NetFlix, never seen the Traitors!!

My running takes 30minutes.

I also combine exercise & socialising a lot so when I meet a friend it will be for a hike / bike ride, I rarely meet people in coffee shops/go for lunch.

Even if I was a sahm I wouldn’t and couldn’t walk to school. It would take 2hours 😅

I would definitely ask my GP for further tests. I ended up with extremely low iron at one point (ferritin of 5, if I recall correctly) and although I’d been feeling exhausted, after literally three days on prescribed iron supplements I felt like a new woman.

If you’ve been on them for a couple of months with no effect, I’d have to wonder if there’s something else going on.

Firstly you need to keep a close eye on your iron levels - if you are anaemic, you will feel bad.

Secondly you need to carve out a little bit of time for yourself. During the whole of the time I was bringing up 3 children, working and then caring for a sick OH I always went to my choir on a Monday evening, and also ran a community choir of my own. These were sacrosanct and I moved heaven and earth to make sure they happened because I knew that once I let them lapse I would struggle to get them back.

Thirdly I think you need to reframe the things that you are doing and recognise their value. People like you are the backbone of our society, bringing up balanced young people to join their place in society. It may sometimes feel like drudgery, but it is beyond price and you should pat yourself on the back.

That's because supplements aren't medicine. Please go to a doctor (a private one if you can afford it who can do all tests in one go) - being so tired all the time is NOT normal. Even if it is terrible anemia there are treatments like iron infusions which are way more effective.

I do the school run on foot, but even on the days I do pick up and drop off I only clock 4000 steps! I sometimes am able to extend it on the way home and get up to 6000 but I don't always have the time to do that before I need to start work.

If you’re severely anemic you’re going to feel like absolute rubbish, OP. Do you know why your iron is so low? In pre-menopausal women it’s usually down to blood loss through heavy periods - that can be treated. If it’s not that, then you need investigations to find the true cause.

Please see your GP again ASAP.

To me, your life doesn’t sound difficult at all, especially with a partner and one secondary school aged child. So maybe it’s a physical issue that’s causing you to feel rubbish. Or could it be that you’re depressed? It stood out to me that you look forward to visiting family. Would moving nearer them be a possibility? It might give you the zest for life that you’re missing.

Now your daughter is a bit older you can start doing some things yourself. Meet up with friends, hobby, night out with your DH?

I have 3 children, my eldest is the age of your DD, my middle one is 10 and my youngest is 7 and severely disabled. He doesn’t sleep much, so I’m up with him for at least 3-4 hours in the middle of the night, every night. I also work full time. I’m not as tired and lacking in energy as you. I’m not saying this to make you feel bad, more just to show you that it’s not normal and you need to see a GP to figure out the cause (and hopefully do something about it so you can start living your life again).