AIBU to be annoyed with SIL behaviour?

[SugarC]

Will try to keep this as short as possible. So just before xmas we had a falling out with BIL & SIL (DH brother & Partner). Both have MH issues and regularly take to Facebook to vent their woes. (Social services being out ro get them, homelessness jot being their fault despite messing up their tenancy, falling out with family in another part of the country, arguments turning physical). This time it was to slag off my family, stating they have had no help (despite us helping them out with social services when they were homeless and previously helping when no one else would because of previous shitty behaviour).
My BIL asked us to give his DP another chance as shes now having another baby (and wants to work on their relationship despite saying she couldn't commit to one man) and is really struggling with a 2yr old and a difficult pregnancy. After some pressure from an unwell MIL we decided to move on from previous animosity and for my nephew's sake, hoping things would improve.
Fast forward to now. My SIL is now back on full swing on Facebook. Seeking advice on what to do about childcare when the new baby comes because she has no help (from my BIL) and his family won't help. My nephew isn't in nursery and she cannot do it alone. She hasn't asked anyone to help (and BIL does everything, as he bloody well should). A part of me thinks this is possibly my fault because of the previous falling out, part of me thinks this is also to spin another narrative to make my family look bad again for not stepping in (again/as always).

AIBU to be annoyed at this? I know it is ONLY a facebook post but it feels goady. My BIL is just as bad as he enables the behaviour and in many ways encourages it. They weren't even in a "relationship" officially when she fell pregnant again the second time apparently. I said it doesn't happen by magic. 😒
I am so worried about my nephew being in that environment. He doesn't understand. They are always fighting and arguing.

Honestly, it sounds highly irritating, but ignore it. Mute her on Facebook. She will obviously always be moaning about something on there - why let it affect your mood?

Detach.

Block, ignore and move on.

It’s irrelevant what she says on FB. Everyone who matters knows what the situation really is. There will always be drama lamas who rush to back up people like this. They’re irrelevant. Rational people understand the truth.

Block. Detach
Move on

I’d block it and move on. You don’t even have to block it, you can still be Facebook friends but just turn off what you see about them.
i have a facebook page, I go on it now and again and I like the odd post for my cousins, nieces , nephews etc. just a show of support really. I don’t think I’ve ever written anything on there and couldn’t less about it or if I lost it tomorrow. I’m amazed how some people use it for the attention or like a personal diary or find it a place to vent about their life.
I have an ex colleague on mine, who is a dreary as dreary can be. It’s all quotes about ill she is or how awful life is. I had some sympathy when I first starting seeing them but now I’m just embarrassed for her. Originally I was really thought she was going through some hellish things and tried to support. But in the next breath, she’s out in London at theatre shows , posing on tuktuks (sp) and having lovely lavish days out and restaurants everywhere. Then the next day we’re back to dreary quotes again. It’s very sad for me to write this about her but it’s bizarre anyway but to document it all on facebook is equally bizarre to me. I recognise maybe I’m in the minority about facebook though.

I think you need to stop reading these social media posts, I understand why they upset you but you can't stop her posting them or change her poor life choices. Try to only engage with these people on your terms for your own sake.

Stop reading her posts. Sorted.

I feel really stupid letting it get to me tbh. I guess it's just been hurtful because we literally stepped up last year when my nephew was first born, worked with social services to make sure they had all the support they needed and it was thrown back in our face when they closed their case and my DN was taken off CIN.
I have blocked her now. I know I'm going to get some kind of talking to from MIL about "how family needs to stick together" but it's turning me petty.

Interact pleasantly if you see her/ him.

If they ask for help or make it obvious they need help then consider what your DH/ you can do.

Ignore facebook completely. She’s going to keep doing it for attention. Don’t react positively or negatively either online or in person. If she mentions it just say that your algorithm is up the spout. If anyone else mentions it just say “oh really, I didn’t see that I barely use it anymore. When BIL spoke to them last week they seemed fine. You’d have to ask her.”

Obviously if you have real life concerns about the 2 yr old your DH or you should try to do what you can and report to social services if things are really bad but I’m not sure whether this is the case. At the very least your DH should be suggesting that his brother should insist that the child goes to nursery though- don’t they get free hours now?

my DN was taken off CIN. I have blocked her now. I know I'm going to get some kind of talking to from MIL about "how family needs to stick together" but it's turning me petty.

Het off Facebook and ignore the drama.

If MIL wants to provide childcare, she can. She can pay for it if she's too ill. It's not for her to tell you what to do.

Tbh you didn’t need to block her, you could have just turned off what you see about her. That way to the outside world you’re “still friends”. I had a situation with a cousin that made me a little sad. I didn’t want to nor did I feel able to unfriend her, I just chose not to see her posts. According her wall and mine, we’re still friends. Hopefully your mil won’t notice. It wouldn’t cross my mind to check whose following who on any family facebook

It can be tricky because family dynamics programme us to pay attention and get drawn in. When you realise what’s happening, you can flick a switch in your brain and detach.
When you recognise the attention seeking manipulation of it you can develop strategies.

Grey rock. When MiL says something, just play dumb. Oh really? Oh that’s a shame. Oh I don’t really pay attention to FB anymore. What do you think she’s going to do? What should she do, do you think?
We often hear an unspoken request and fill it. Don’t. Make her spell out what she wants, and it will be more obvious that it’s an unreasonable request.

It’s a tennis game, where you refuse to return the ball if it’s going to be ‘out of bounds’. Don’t leap stretch and and run for it, let it go past.

If MIL wants to help them she can. No one can force you to and nothing you do will be enough so why bother. It’s awful for your nephew but you can’t rescue him from his crap parents.

Anyone who tells you to accept disrespect; and smooth your own boundary of not accepting disrespect - rather than tackle the godawful reason for the boundary should be told that you wont accept disrespect. You wont chase, you wont soften to keep the peace - when someone else is the one setting off the bombs; the blame sits with them. You can't fix something you didn't break.

YANBU

MIL called me four times yesterday. First two times was to minimize, trying to convince me that I was blowing things out of proportion. Third time was to try and convince me that I needed to host and pay for a gender reveal (even though parents know what they are having) and the last time was to tell me everyone thinks I'm being unreasonable, she suddenly flipped the script when she noticed they would be depending on her to have my nephew (and when she knew DH felt the same way) because her boy is never wrong.

Thank you for the replies.
Detach is the way forward. If there is serious safeguarding concerns moving on I know who to speak to. It's just the chaos and the childishness i'm not used to. No one else I know goes on like this IRL.

It's not your fault that she decided to get pregnant again without getting her shit together. This isn't something that you can fix, the parents have to want to do better.

What she says about you is non of yiur business. Leave her to it. Even better, come of FB. It’s wonderful. Poor nephew though. So sad.

If your DN is 2 and their living situation means they have low income, they may be entitled to free childcare? Have they checked that they're getting everything they're entitled to? It sounds like it'd benefit your DN to be in some sort of childcare setting.

The pregnancy hormones are probably making your SIL a little unhinged. I wouldn't worry personally. Just try and keep to your boundaries. Sounds like you have been there for them before, but if someone keeps making a mess of things you can't keep throwing your pearls to the pigs.

But what did you do for your MIL to say you were blowing things out of proportion? You could just mute your SIL on Facebook and nobody would ever know?

Ignore facebook. If theyre on there constantly moaning and pleading everyone friends with them probably just thinks theyre a massive disaster anyway! Wouldn't take someone like that seriously.

As for hosting and paying for a reveal. Throw it back to MIL bluntly. "Why dont you host? Its not my responsibility to do that task. Im busy and also not that interested!"

Yikes - they would all be my ex in-laws including MIL. I’m sure your H will understand - if not just don’t tell him and completely distance yourself from them - you could be ill or busy every time.

she suddenly flipped the script when she noticed they would be depending on her to have my nephew

What do you mean by 'flipped the script'? What did she start saying?

Don't go on Facebook,it's a given to rile people up.Your falling into their trap.

A woman whose children went to school with mine, who informed me we were friends was like this. Her life was this whole catalogue of terrible tales of things that happened to her and how badly everyone, and I mean everyone, treated her. whenever I saw her she would be arguing with someone on the phone.. her family, the school, the doctors, the phone company, the water company, old friends….) she was very active on Facebook book with her complaints about life’s terrible vendetta against her. Most of the other mothers avoided her like the plague but I couldn’t as I felt sorry for her. However when I would share my concerns about the bad things happening to her to my real friend, another school mum who also knew her, she just said bullshit after every tale. After a year I pretty much agreed with her. Don’t worry what this woman writes on Facebook, any one who knows her’knows her’. And will not believe a single word of it. Just block her for your own piece of mind.

My MIL was making excuses for their crap behavior (as she always does) because of their mental health/pregnancy hormones/not knowing any better/being away from half the family (different area)/past trauma, so when I said I wouldn't be hosting a gender reveal or looking after DN while SIL is in hospital (and that MIL could) she then tried to make me feel bad. She can't possibly do it all - she's got ill health, no money, can't travel etc.
The only reason she called was because she had seen the FB statuses from SIL herself and wanted to know why SIL was asking if I had deleted my account.