Would you think these people liked you and your family?

[firstofallimadelight]

Spent the afternoon with them, food was laid out couple of people helped themselves , I got some for dd then me. One person asked why I didn’t serve everyone and then got someone else to get my dh food. (Dh said no he’d get himself) They then asked would I serve everyone at my house I said I didn’t know probably (we were not at my home we were at her home) Everyone else served themselves or their kids and she never said a word to them.
later she made a comment about a health issue I have saying I need to “try harder” to get better. She has no idea how hard I work to improve my health issues yet she assumes I’m doing nothing/ not enough.
My son (who is disabled) was singing to himself (quietly and not near anyone/at the table) dn (who was running around) kept running up to adults say DS was singing they told him ‘he’s just being annoying’ and to ignore him.
This was all in the space of a couple hours I really don’t enjoy going and find it stressful but dh says they don’t mean anything. Aibu to find this stressful or should I just put up?

This is all the same person? They sound rude and mean

Fuck that.
I would not be spending a second with them again.
You heard all of that, what if kids are exposed to that and can hear it?
Nope, absolutely no time for that shit.

She sounds horrible, why do you need to serve anyone else? Also your husband can clearly take care of himself. Are you asian and is this your in-laws?

YANBU. Are they your in-laws? I wouldn't want to spend time with these people and yes the woman who made the comments does seem to have a problem with you. You need to give us more information about the relationship but I'd give them a swerve if you can.

So her expectations of you are different to others? Wild guess but are you the only daughter in law? I would be ignoring and visiting as little as possible

I realised as an adult, that we had been conditioned out whole lives to spend time with people (family) who didn't actually care for or like us whatsoever. To "keep up appearances". All the sly digs and the open insults, the different treatment to others, the inability to have my needs met. It damaged me as a child. I felt worthless.

But like you I knew it wasn't right. That's why you've posted here, you know it's not right.

Now I'm an adult, I would rather keep up my improved mental health, self esteem and self worth. I did this by not seeing those people any more. It's not always easy to do, but it's almost always worth doing.

Nope, I would not want to go to this either!
This person is very judgemental of you!

Food laid out doesn’t need to be ‘served’, but I’d expect the owner of the house to offer food if people are reluctant to help themselves.

In-laws? Don’t give them another moment of your time. DH can go if he wants, you can say no thank you.

She sounds like a very nasty person.

I would assume ‘she’ is your mother. Or mother-in-law. So I wouldn’t say it’s about whether or not she likes you but what she expects your relationship to entail.

This is your mil or sil presumably?

Unless there is some unwritten rule that family serve everyone else before themselves, or some cultural expectation that you are missing, it sounds as if they are going out of their way to make you feel uncomfortable op. Very unpleasant.

I think you always need to challenge this sort of thing in the here and now because they are relying on you saying nothing out of politeness and deliberately putting you at a disadvantage.

You can still remain civil but point out to them that you know that you are on to their tactics,

So when they questioned you about serving food you say very clearly and calmly, “oh I observed others helping themselves and you didn’t say anything to them so I assumed that was correct. Do you need some help? I am more than happy to assist?”

If they say yes then agree happily to help serve next time.

If they say no, then say something like “thanks for the reassurance and for making me and dd feel so welcome” and look them in the eye while saying it.

In other words, don’t allow people to be passive aggressive but ask them to pin down what is exactly wrong so they either have to own it or deny it.

The flip side of "they don't mean anything by it" is that they don't care enough to be polite. Personally I would probably distance myself but if it is your DH family he might want to explain to her how's she's coming across and he doesn't want to be around people who are rude to his wife and child. Having a disabled child can be isolating for parents so in his shoes I'd want to give it a shot but you aren't obliged to be an education centre for rude family members.

There are a small chunk of families where this is the absolute truth. My own functioned similarly except there was also wholesale abuse going on.

@firstofallimadelight that number of sly digs and subtle undermining comments cannot not be mitigated against. It is too much. Notice how you feel around people then decide how much access you are willing to give them.

Another slightly more aggressive way of challenging this behaviour would be to laugh and say “oh many apologies; I assumed you would want to make us feel welcome?”.

I have heard people questioning “intent” can also make people uncomfortable enough to stop this behaviour. “Oh I noticed you only asked me to serve and nobody else, did you have a reason for that?” It marks their cards.

They don't like you and are making no effort to conceal it and put you in your place. Can you avoid (forever)? Are they in laws?

I think you need a few stock phrases rehearsed/remembered in the back.of your mind. Or, just laugh and walk.away everytime they say something of that nature.
Phrases could be 'were you intending to be unkind?' 'That wasn't very kind', 'have you asked anyone else that?', with the serving the food part i would say 'oh you want to serve everyone, completely understand as the host, here you go and pass her the plate' play dumb but where the work backfired on to her.

But really, I wouldn't be going out of my way to see people like that or making comments about your children. Appears to be a family member of DH'S side, he doesn't see an issue it seems. So likely you are still going to have to go. But I wouldn't be doing it often!

Mother/MIL? Or maybe sister/SIL? Either way, they are rude; no, they don’t like you and want to put you in your place. I wouldn’t be going again if it was me. Life’s too short. If it’s your husbands family, he can go on his own!

Why on earth would you serve everyone at someone else's house? How strange of them.
I dont know whether they liked you or not but they certainly dont seem very nice.

Thanks everyone it was mostly mil but also comments about ds from bil (not their son) dh tries to imply im a bit sensitive but im pretty sure he wouldn’t accept it off my family . We go once or twice a month and it winds me up. The can be lovely too but theres always this under current

Of course not. They are being quite clear that they thought I was seriously lacking

I think whether or not they like you is the wrong question. It’s exactly what @QuickBrown says — the flip side of ‘They don’t mean anything by it’ is ‘They don’t think you’re worth being polite to’. Pull them up on every single comment, every single time, no matter how boring.

I agree I need to be prepared i usually go blank and don’t know what to say

They're being rude. If it's a buffet people help themselves, that's the point. Alternatively the host serves. They would be lucky to see me once or twice a year. Pull back, ask your husband defend you, it's his family.