AIBU to want no contact with in laws?

[OneRoseLion]

After a haemorrhage and 2nd-degree tear I said no visitors. My MIL/FIL ignored this, invited people over when my baby was 1 day old, and FIL kissed my newborn despite being told not to.

MIL/SIL repeatedly barged into my bedroom while I was breastfeeding/recovering, showed relatives my baby without consent, shared my pregnancy early, spread lies about my labour, and SIL told people I had PPD (I didn’t).

I was forced to stand up with stitches so BIL could see the baby, pressured into visitors I’d refused, and constantly undermined (told my 75th percentile baby was “too skinny”, I had “no milk”, and that it was “good” my newborn got sick).

They allowed lots of visitors and children around my newborn. My baby was later hospitalised with rhinovirus. FIL said it “wasn’t fair” people didn’t get to meet the baby despite my haemorrhage. SIL also made inappropriate comments about my sex life.

I now have nothing to do with my in-laws. My son only sees them briefly when with his father — I’m not present.

AIBU?

I mean you've certainly written it in a way that it's 100% obvious you're not being unreasonable.

BUT not once have you mentioned your husband and why he wasn't protecting you from all this?

There better be a bloody good reason.

This is the common denominator in all of this. He doesn’t seem to see the many things that have gone on. He almost sees it as his family offering support and to a certain degree it’s almost as if he turns a blind eye to it all. He thinks it ‘dampens’ everything. No blood good reason at all.

Then I'm not sure my in-laws would be the only people/person I'd want nothing to do with.

YANBU to have nothing to do with them.

YABU to stay with a man who thinks so little of you and your wants and needs.

I was forced to stand up with stitches so BIL could see the baby

What, like at gunpoint?

There’s lots of stages between here and non-contact.

Was pressurised by my MIL who begged and pleaded for me to stand up and hold my baby and take him to see her son.

My partner and MIL used the excuse that my BIL was severely depressed and that this would make him feel better.

Me being postpartum, poorly and obviously trying to keep others happy, stupidly gave in even though I had said no repeatedly.

I notice you say 'partner'.

Do you intend on marrying into this family?

I do hope not and I also hope you haven't given up your career for this man.

You deserve more than this.

Families are supposed to come together and be supportive when a baby is born, especially the baby's father.

I do not intend on doing so. I’m still trying to evaluate whether I want to actually stay with him. He’s apologetic but the scars are still there from it.

Did you live with the parents in law at the time? If mot
then
its your partners fault for allowing them into your home to behave like this and it’s him
id be angry at

Why did you have to be the one to bring the infant to see the BIL (presumably elsewhere in the house)?
Mind you, depressed or not, the BIL could have joined you in the living room, vacated by all the others, and you shouldn't have been required to disturb yourself for this by MIL.
Failing this, his brother surely could have brought the baby to see him.

Don’t let MIL get the idea you or the child are hers to command!

Your partner should have stopped them and you also should have been more assertive and told them to get out of your bedroom! Were you living in their house or did they come to your house?

Your DH is a pussy. His job is to protect you and the baby - not appease his parents. He needs a serious kick up the arse OP.

Is he back at work soon? Im assuming hes on paternity leave? When hes back just lock the doors - dead bolt if they have a key. Then ignore them knocking on the door.

Going no contact doesnt sound like a viable option as DH is so up their arses - so going no contact will only create a massive divide when you should focus your energy on parenting a newborn. No contact only works if you're united in that decision IMO. You can reduce your personal contact with them, by just letting DH deal with them and not personally contacting them.

Well, you could do worse than learn from MIL and copy her. She said “I want what I want when I want it” and she got it. She is coarse, abrasive and forceful.

You could do the same with no shame. You can say to your DP “this is the way it’s going to go.” And make it stick. If you make him more uncomfortable than his mother does, you might get somewhere. So many men won’t put themselves out until they have been put out.

i would try learning the word “No” first, and buying some decent locks .. and possibly a Ring Doorbell.

Your DP was useless

Your partner is a weedy little scrote and should be standing up for you. The family are cunts.
sorry you are going through this.

its done now
congratulations on your lo
i hope their visits lessen

I assume you don't live with them, which means partner should have not let them in the door, etc. As Pp's have said, he should have been supporting you.
Couple counselling- try it. Gives you a safe space with a neutral third party to work through it. When you've had a baby, even without a haemorrhage, it is one of the most vulnerable times in your life and you currently feel resentful to your partner.understandably. Couples counselling might support him to understand, and help you both work through it. Or, kindly, this relationship is over.
He needs to step up as your partner and a father. Which means putting in boundaries with his parents.
Congrats on your LO, enjoy all the cuddles. Put you and your baby first.

Agreed - you have a husband problem

Are your in-laws from a different culture op? Not excusing them! I’m just wondering what their rationale is. some of this may require you to be more assertive given your partner seems pretty useless or thinks it’s normal.

Yes not that I’ve anything against that. They come from a South Asian background, while I do not, so I wasn’t sure whether cultural factors might have been relevant.

At times it felt like he was. I don’t see his family at all now in any unnecessary capacity besides maybe a children’s birthday party, even then I don’t communicate with them in any way. So I’ve found that quite empowering after what the put me through.

I’m still upset with him for not supporting me enough.

Buy a door wedge, the most useful piece of kit I was given when my ds was born.

Then retreat to your bedroom, wedge the door so no-one can come in and tell them clearly "no visitors means no visitors, and you will not be bullied by ILs, no matter how pushy, ignorant or ill mannered."

Why do people do that? Just vile.

How on earth did this happen? Do you live with them?? Huge shame on your husband ‘he just doesn’t see it’ won’t fly here. He does see it and prioritises them over you, your health and your baby. He is either a terrible person or a pushover man child. Sounds like these people are all awful, this is why you should be so careful with who you marry.

Well there’s clearly a cultural issue here. South Asian families are often/normally more “grandparent led” (and often in practice paternal grandmother-led) with an expectation that daughters-in-law will slot into their husband’s extended family (and not in the dominant position).

White British culture tends to emphasise the nuclear family more, with an expectation that after giving birth the baby’s mother is in charge. Where grandparents are closely involved it’s more likely to be the woman’s parents than the man’s, especially in the immediate post-birth period.

Assuming you prefer the second model, OP, you just need to communicate that really clearly to your partner and his family. “I’m in charge here, I’m the one who has just given birth, we’ll have visitors when I feel up to it and not before, and no your parents may not bring their friends.”

Oh for goodness sake OP, grow a set of balls!