Is this me or them?

[Unduall]

This is a recent example but there’s loads of the same.

I specifically asked my parents not to interfere with an issue I had with the council regarding bins. They took it upon themselves to call up and I got notified on the app. I’m 32. They have treated me like this all my life and I find it suffocating and controlling (I’ve told them this).

Instead of having a huge row, I simply said to my mum that I was really upset she had done that when I had specifically asked her not to. she immediately became defensive, put the phone on speaker so my dad could lay into me too and then began to tell me that im not so perfect myself and that how dare I criticise her. I said I would never do that to her and they both jumped in and said well no because I would never help them. And so it went on… all
i wanted was for her to understand why I felt annoyed and to recognise it and apologise.

I am so exhausted but as usual after they lay into me I question myself. Is this me? Maybe it is and I can’t see it?! I’m just exhausted by them

Stop telling them then?

Next time don't tell them about any problems. And if they're having a go on the phone say "I have to go now, bye" and hang up

They are definitely the problem

It’s a bit weird for your parents to
do this, but if they have form
for this sort of thing, why did you tell them about the bins?

@Nickyknackered yes good point but unfortunately this had come to their attention without me telling them

@cantthinkofagoodusername1 i didn’t, it was a widespread thing where we are based and they knew it wasn’t resolved where I am

Hmm really. Well most institutions won't speak to a 3rd party without permission anyway, especially a council. They have rules.

If it was a widespread concern - say the bins in Birmingham then surely they approached it as "we have family in this area and we are concerned too. What are you doing?" Raising concerns other people are

Agreed i just wouldn't tell them things anymore that they might interfere with.

I know you said that they found out themselves for this event... in that case I'd probably fib and say I've been onto the council and the manager is ringing me back X day.

@Nickyknackered yes exactly she had impersonated me. This isn’t the first time.

@BudgetBuster i do try that, it’s exhausting though. I feel constantly on edge around them

I voted that you were unreasonable because you need to stop telling them!

The diet of less information..
Every time you speak to them.

Even if it seems a small issue they are overstepping boundaries and it sounds like they have form for this. They sound very difficult to deal with, I would reduce contact and keep at arms length. It’s exhausting having to check yourself when having conversations with people you can’t trust and it will affect your relationship with them, and it’s completely their fault.

Look up 'grey rock' and use the techniques. Suggest you set boundaries with your parents and stick to them. One of those should be 'you will never impersonate me again, I can't be around someone who does that' then if they do, go non contact for a bit (or forever)

But you also say you had told them not to interfere — so presumably you’d spoken about it?

What did you say or do when you found out your mother had impersonated you? Did you express your anger and say ‘Never do that again’?

I would tell the council that you have been impersonated and set up a password for future security. Set up passwords on everything you can think of.

Don’t tell her anything and stick to that. Make sure she cannot access your house to look at anything there or anything you have online.

Unfortunately I have a mother that doesn’t understand boundaries or allowing children to grow up, and the only other alternative is going no contact.

It's them, 100 per cent. It's incredibly fucking weird, intrusive and infantilising for parents to treat their adult children like this.

They absolutely should NOT be impersonating you on the phone to the council, either.

You say this isn't the first time they've done things like this - can you give some other examples? Because while on the face of it a conversation about some bins might seem like a minor annoyance, I'm guessing they're interfering and suffocating in other ways.

How much do you actually see them/speak to them? I would be scaling back massively on the amount of contact if I were in your position.

Read the thread. She didn't tell them. They heard about a widespread bin problem in the OP's area and took it upon themselves to sort it out.

But she also says she specifically told them not to interfere. I mean, I entirely agree with you that it’s interfering and infantilising, but they clearly had some conversation about it if the OP asked them not to do anything. Which in some ways makes it worse rather than better…

The fact she told them not to interfere doesn’t mean she told them about the problem! They still brought the subject up.

”We saw on the local news there’s a problem with the bins where you live, your street was one of the ones they mentioned. We’ll phone the council.”

”No, Mum, please don’t interfere - I would prefer to sort it out for myself.”

How would that scenario constitute the OP telling them about the bin problem?

That must be very frustrating.
My mum used to let herself into my house whilst I was out amongst other things. She had her own extra sets of keys cut without telling me.

As others have said, information diet and I also think Change your locks and don't leave spare keys around. (get a key rock or some kind of system instead)
You sound quite independent but cut back on anything that relies on them helping as it will just give them an in.

I'm not saying cut them out completely, but I think their behaviour is extreme and you have to wean them off being so overbearing. So I would also make a point of only meeting at their house or in a neutral place. If they can't see your home, they cant criticise. Its sad its come to that but it sounds like you need strong boundaries.

If your parents are so controlling in your life, stop contact for a while. If they try to contact you, don't respond. Keep doing this until you feel ready to have contact again and tell them you will do this every time they try to control things in your life. Stick to it!!!!!

Why did you involve them in the first place. Did they really need to know you had a bin problem??

It is them, not you.
I too have annoying interfering parent (Dad mostly)
I have stopped telling them things. Id like to be able to just discuss whats going on with my life, get a bit of sympathy and then left to sort it myself (unless ive asked for advice). Instead my Dad will wade in, in hero mode to fix things for me. I dont need him to do this. Im a fully fledged woman in my 50s ffs!
It drives me batty so i totally get your frustration op!

It is them. I havevadult children. If they have problems that they discusscwith me, we offer advice and, whete appropriate, practical help. Unless they specifically ask us to take action, we don't If they asked not to, we wouldn't.

Your parents do not respect you and still treat you like a child. To answer your question, it is them, not you.