Page 2 | Is this me or them?

Unduall · 2026-02-01T21:42:42+00:00

This is a recent example but there’s loads of the same. I specifically asked my parents not to interfere with an issue I had with the council regarding bins. They took it upon themselves to call up and I got notified on the app. I’m 32. They have treated me like this all my life and I find it suffocating and controlling (I’ve told them this). Instead of having a huge row, I simply said to my mum that I was really upset she had done that when I had specifically asked her not to. she immediately became defensive, put the phone on speaker so my dad could lay into me too and then began to tell me that im not so perfect myself and that how dare I criticise her. I said I would never do that to her and they both jumped in and said well no because I would never help them. And so it went on… all i wanted was for her to understand why I felt annoyed and to recognise it and apologise. I am so exhausted but as usual after they lay into me I question myself. Is this me? Maybe it is and I can’t see it?! I’m just exhausted by them

Chinsupmeloves · 03/02/2026 19:05

My word, so they've never stepped back and allowed you to live as an adult? Sounds like a 'they' problem. Best just not to tell them anything about anything they could interfere with. Do you know why they're still so controlling? Or are they just so very caring amd can't let go? Parents will always want to do what they can for their kids but need to respect boundaries. Xxx

Rhaidimiddim · 03/02/2026 20:05

Unduall · 01/02/2026 21:50

@Nickyknackered yes exactly she had impersonated me. This isn’t the first time.

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That is absolutely not on. Totally unacceptable behaviour.

HS20000 · 03/02/2026 20:11

I would try organising something for them at their place without them asking. Wait for them to ask why you did it. And then do it again. Maybe like ordering something you can see that's a bit tatty in their house. And then say, oh, I just thought you needed a bit of help on that.

Petty, but satisfying. But agree with others, more you share more it will happen, sadly, it's to put you in your place. You've overgrown them and it's threatening to them.

venus7 · 03/02/2026 20:25

Unduall · 01/02/2026 21:45

@Nickyknackered yes good point but unfortunately this had come to their attention without me telling them

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How?

HopeWithNotes · 04/02/2026 06:43

You don’t like the behaviour your parents are displaying and I totally get why. From your parents point of view they think they’re being helpful. They’re not. It’s controlling. This should be an easy misunderstanding to clear up and would be if your parents were reasonable. In my head it would look like this,
You, “I appreciate you being there for me but when I ask you not to get involved it’s because I mean it and I’m dealing with the issue.”
Them, “I’m sorry we overstepped the mark. We love you and want to help but we know you’ve got this and we’re here to listen. We’ll help if you ask. “
instead, you’ve expressed a perfectly reasonable boundary and they’ve - belittled you further, tried to make you feel guilty and become aggressive towards you. That’s not ok. I’ve been in a very similar situation to this and it’s demoralising. I had to be really firm with my mum and sister and I was terrified they’d just fall out with me. The conversations aren’t easy and I have to keep reiterating myself: I need you to accept that I have to be able to have my own opinion and make decisions about my own life. You can respectfully disagree or share an opinion but I will not accept being shouted at, guilt tripped or having my character attacked. My mum and sister, I think, are slowly coming around to this new boundary. If they start with the shouting, I say please don’t shout. Guilt tripping - I appreciate your help but that doesn’t mean I’m not hurt by what you said/I’m not allowed to have an opinion about this. If they start attacking my character, I say, you’re getting personal now and that’s hurtful. We’ll have this conversation another time.
It sounds like they love you loads and they want to protect you but they have never learned to deal with conflict respectfully. I’d give them a chance to grow and see how it goes xx

Missj25 · 04/02/2026 11:23

JH0404 · 02/02/2026 07:01

Even if it seems a small issue they are overstepping boundaries and it sounds like they have form for this. They sound very difficult to deal with, I would reduce contact and keep at arms length. It’s exhausting having to check yourself when having conversations with people you can’t trust and it will affect your relationship with them, and it’s completely their fault.

This says it perfectly 👌

ItsOkItsDarkChocolate · 04/02/2026 14:01

@Unduall

I suspect you are sadly well on your way to going NC, or at least very low! They sound very toxic for you. It really does sound exhausting! Grey rock. Hard boundaries, etc..

I’d probably call the council, explain what mum did, and set up a password for clearance should she try that again!

ItsOkItsDarkChocolate · 04/02/2026 14:05

HopeWithNotes · 04/02/2026 06:43

You don’t like the behaviour your parents are displaying and I totally get why. From your parents point of view they think they’re being helpful. They’re not. It’s controlling. This should be an easy misunderstanding to clear up and would be if your parents were reasonable. In my head it would look like this,
You, “I appreciate you being there for me but when I ask you not to get involved it’s because I mean it and I’m dealing with the issue.”
Them, “I’m sorry we overstepped the mark. We love you and want to help but we know you’ve got this and we’re here to listen. We’ll help if you ask. “
instead, you’ve expressed a perfectly reasonable boundary and they’ve - belittled you further, tried to make you feel guilty and become aggressive towards you. That’s not ok. I’ve been in a very similar situation to this and it’s demoralising. I had to be really firm with my mum and sister and I was terrified they’d just fall out with me. The conversations aren’t easy and I have to keep reiterating myself: I need you to accept that I have to be able to have my own opinion and make decisions about my own life. You can respectfully disagree or share an opinion but I will not accept being shouted at, guilt tripped or having my character attacked. My mum and sister, I think, are slowly coming around to this new boundary. If they start with the shouting, I say please don’t shout. Guilt tripping - I appreciate your help but that doesn’t mean I’m not hurt by what you said/I’m not allowed to have an opinion about this. If they start attacking my character, I say, you’re getting personal now and that’s hurtful. We’ll have this conversation another time.
It sounds like they love you loads and they want to protect you but they have never learned to deal with conflict respectfully. I’d give them a chance to grow and see how it goes xx

Oh nice! Worth a try before you go NC…

Laura95167 · 04/02/2026 21:02

Im not sure they can really speak on behalf of your account to the council. If its area wide they can contact the council generally.

Id a. Not tell them my problems b. Change my account info and c. Not react to their nonsense.

Tbh while I think its a them problem I think let it go and don't make it a you one

Svunbun · 04/02/2026 21:05

It’s them, not you.

I’d simply stop telling them about stuff. They don’t need to know about your bin issues. It’s a shame you can’t tell them without them doing what they did but they clearly can’t stop, so just keep your own counsel.

Dolamroth · 04/02/2026 21:09

Set up a password with the council services team. They will do this if you tell them you've been impersonated.

TheNameWasOnceChosen · 04/02/2026 22:03

Stip seeing them. Do they bring any joy into your life?

lottiegarbanzo · 05/02/2026 06:52

Stop engaging, talk to them less. Don’t expect them to understand your feelings. Don’t react. Just get on with your life and spend less time talking to them.