To be so antisocial

[Kongking12]

I am mid 40s, and am becoming increasingly antisocial... I just don't really enjoy other people's company much anymore. I am married, no children and orphaned. I really enjoy spending time with my husband and love my own company.

I used to work in an incredibly sociable industry right up until early 30s. I lived overseas and spent all day everyday with customers and colleagues. We even shared apartments.

I used to be really outgoing but now I just find most people draining. They either have too many opinions, lack self awareness, can be passive aggressive or rude... and this is both family members and friends. I don't feel like I'm missing out on weekly coffees with friends or Sunday lunches with my in-laws.

Once a year I have a holiday where I catch up with some old friends and we keep in touch by what's app and social media. I see people with all these plans every weekend having girly brunches, days out in London etc, and I just feel exhausted for them although I know they enjoy it.

Is it possible to be people'd out? I do have anxiety which effects things but why can't I find joy in people much anymore? Or am I just listening to my instincts? I do make sure that I am independent and don't rely on my husband for everything. I travel alone on holidays sometimes etc and maintain good relationships with my sibling and an old friend but wondered how social other people in similar circumstances are? I feel like it's just me. I miss the days of laughing for hours with friends or gossiping over silly things but either don't have much in common with my old friends or don't have the social battery.

Well everyone is different. I mostly feel like you for about 5-10 years and are now mid fifties. Mainly dislike two faces people or people who wants to use you for contacts or love to gossip? I rather be myself than with the 95 percent of people out there. Once you grow out of fake people and situations you start seeing people for what they really are much quicker. I also never got the Social Media that much. I think it kills so much out of society.

There will a few people who you will feel comfortable with. Stick to those as it is better quality than quantity.

I think it's an age thing.

As always it's not every 40s + person but it's quite common to find yourself less and less interested in being around other people and happier and happier in your own company.

I too spent years in customer/service user facing roles so i'm good at being 'on' and smiley and chatty and efficient on demand. I'll make small talk with anyone any time. I'm as far as shy or grouchy as you can get - outwardly ...

However from my 40s onwards i've found that i simply don't want to be around lots of people. And when i have had to be i'm then in need a day or two with zero social expectations to feel sane again. I have a big family (4 DCs, 3 are young adults) DH and my elderly mother lives with us (in her own bit of the house) and so an empty house is rare and i love it when it happens!

I have a friend who's quite happy to pop indie coffee for an hour or two once a week and we text back and forth but that's enough for me these days frankly.

Im an only child and find solitude calming and grounding.

I’m mid 30s with children and feel the same as you. I just find socialising exhausting and try to avoid people as much as possible.

I really dont like going out, but l make and effort and enjoy it somewhat when l do. Not very often, maybe once a month.
I had a really hard year last year, and was very grateful l had friends to support me. You will never know when you might need your friends so its good to put in a small bit of effort.

Perhaps you've always been a bit of an introvert and never really paid attention to it before. Go with what makes you feel happiest.

Socialising for the sake of it is something to be avoided as far as I'm concerned.

I'm in my mid 40s and I don't feel like this at all, so I'm sceptical that it's an age thing. If anything I feel I've come to value company and friendship more over time, particularly since the pandemic.

Im 51 and dislike social gatherings. CBA to make small talk. Im ok with a group we have (8 couples) and im the youngest. I hate the chit chat of younger folk and its worse at work. MH this and that. Someone has an ailment then has it worse. Grates on me.

i cba sitting with the family neither. We watch different things and prefer my own company. I dont get on my own nerves which makes me happy

I think social interaction is hugely important for health and longevity ñ. What I don’t know is whether you can get that benefit from one other person.

I think you need to be a bit careful not to become isolated and lonely. I love my DH but I’d be lost without my girl friends. When the chips are down it’s helpful to have that support network.

Doesn’t need to be going out to load bars and socialising. I love going for a walk one on one or a coffee..

I like my own company and always need a bit of alone time afterwards but you can find a balance.

Without being morbid at some point either you or your DH won’t be there and one of you will be left. You wouldn’t want to have no friends and be alone in later life.

I spent 30yrs in a people centric career - not always pleasant situations either.
I'm now mid 50s, live alone, wfh part time, which rarely involves speaking to anyone.
I happily holiday alone, have half a dozen friends I meet up with every few months, and one friend I see a couple of times a week - and that is enough for me.
Maybe it's my age, maybe I am 'peopled out' from my previous job, or maybe Imjust too selfish to want to make the effort any more?

I've always been rather unsociable too, I think whats changed is my willingness to fake it, rather than me actually getting more unsociable iyswim.

I have autism and feel this way about most social situations. I will grin and bear it occasionally as I know it makes other people happy and is important to keep my (few) friendships alive, but generally I find other people exhausting and socialising for more than a couple of hours at a time gives me a migraine from overwhelm and overload - I've even been known to throw up from feeling so "peopled out" in the past.

I think you should do what’s right for you. I’m 52 and only in the last few years have I overcome the need to people please. I’ve attended for years and years waaaaaayyyyyy too many events, lunches, coffees, Christmas do’s, work social lunches etc that I didn’t want to and didn’t enjoy.

I've now taking early retirement and don’t miss that part of my life at all. Even if the last few years of working, I really really practised the art of saying no. I really actively practised the sayings, I can’t do that, have a great time. The more I used them, the more confident I became in them tbh.

Forward to today, some people might say that I don’t have any friends or my life has gone downhill since I retired. Nothing could be further from the truth. I live the time I have with my husband, I feel closer to my husband than I’ve ever done in 32 years of marriage. I love spending our money on coffees together, walking together, pub lunches together. I love that we’re building a retired life together, we Lee having no spend days where we concentrate on our individual hobbies…I love that we are saving and using our money for travelling…I love that my time is taken up with my granddaughter.

we’re all different, and particularly on this app, we’re all at different stages of life. Some much younger women here won’t relate to anything I’ve written. They’ll love the big friendship groups, the mums from schools, the old university friends. But I’ve done all that too. I can’t begin to write how many friendship groups and bases I’ve been through whether it be colleagues, school friends (mine and my children’s), the mums at karate, football what ever….and at the end of the day, yes I don’t regret all that but equally years and years later it really doesn’t matter, all friendships move on, evolve, stop, start etc. It’s only when you get to my (our) age that you realise that you must do what’s right for you and what makes you happy 🫶

https://www.health.harvard.edu/staying-healthy/loneliness-has-same-risk-as-smoking-for-heart-disease

Obviously everyone needs to do
what they feel is right for them. But I do think it’s important to protect some
friendships as we get older.

Even finding a hobby group or just something that gets you interacting regularly with other people.

You do you. Whatever makes you content as long as you are not too reliant on your husband for company.

What is unhealthy is angst about whether it is right or not. Everybody is different and the need for human interaction varies massively.

I live on my own have done for years and love it.
Im really not nore have i ever been a people person.

@Delatron This isn't about loneliness or being isolated when you don't want to be.

It is just as normal to be an introvert or to not particularly enjoy socialising as it is to be an extrovert who likes and needs to be around people all the time.

Us introverts don't particularly enjoy socialising because we find extroverts insufferable exhausting to be around.

Yes I’m just wondering about the research. You would assume if people are happy to be alone and not socialise then this wouldn’t impact their heath. I don’t know though.

I do get it. I am a pure mixture. I like socialising and seeing people for a bit but also happy with my own company.

I guess if you’re happy alone then you’re not lonely.

I have a friend who can never be alone. She has to see people every day. I guess being isolated and alone would impact her more than an introvert. Maybe the research was done on extraverts.

My parents are very sociable though and I do believe it offsets some of their less healthy habits. I think it also has an impact on your brain. I guess the speaking/thinking as you socialise.

I get it can be exhausting though.

There's definitely a huge difference between being alone and being lonely.

Im 64, retired at the end of March last year and haven't joined any clubs etc since. I don't have any friends here. I chat on WhatsApp with old friends but no longer meet up. Im married and have a little dog. I chat to people I meet when I'm out walking or shopping but I'm more than happy on my own during the day.
After a lifetime in childcare, the peace of a quiet house and garden is blissful.
I don't miss the company of others
I think people changed during covid

It’s normal to want to socialise less in middle age than in your 20s or 30s. Middle aged people have less time and energy.

But I will be honest and say it’s not healthy at all to have no interest in a social life outside your family, no. It’s fashionable at the moment to talk about how awful it is being around other people and wanting to retreat into the family, I see this all the time on here and it really concerns me.

Its so important not to lose contact with people outside your immediate family. Not only because just under half of all marriages fail and you could end up really isolated but because its so important to have a sense of perspective and community. People who don’t socialise at all outside the family seem to lose their social muscle and it gets harder and harder to get it back.

I feel quite worried about the fact that so many people seem to embrace this isolation. Its a very modern phenomenon and one that we should be concerned about. There’s so much data that shows how damaging it is for mental health to retreat into a family bubble.

Not everyone has to be a roaring extrovert and its fine to be selective about how you spend your time but please keep your hand in, cultivate a few friendships which meet your needs and nurture them. Even if you don’t always feel like it. Its so damaging to be reliant on just one person for everything.

I do agree. I think Covid did give some people a bit of a reason to be more insular. Then the whole WFH thing which is awful for people in their 20s.
Add in screens and phone addiction…

Are we losing the ability to socialise? Losing social skills. I think even for introverts it can’t be healthy to be alone all the time apart from your partner.

I think it’s an interesting discussion.

Why is it acceptable nowadays for people to be gratuitously rude about “extroverts”? (Usually not actually extroverts just people who can handle themselves socially).

If someone started a thread on here saying: “I find introverts tedious, self centred and rude,” they would rightly get torn a new one?

Why are people so triggered or threatened by people who enjoy the company of others? I see this all the time on here and its so judgmental and nasty.

Its not losing the ability to. Im losing the will to socialise. I dont need it.

I think COVID and wfh triggered a reaction in a lot of people. Up to a point it was a reasonable reset: life in the 90s and 00s was very hectic, society puts a lot of pressure on people to socialise which can leave them feeling burnt out and drained and it’s difficult for unsociable people to fit into this.

But I think the pendulum has swung too far in the other direction now. People seem to positively relish isolation and misanthropy and see other people as the enemy and social interaction as some sort of trauma to be avoided at all costs.

I think its very dangerous. People shouldn’t feel pressganged into socialising for its own sake but some level of social interaction is really important for mental health, for social cohesion and for understanding. I think it’s entirely reasonable to be much more selective about how you spend your free time as you get older but this histrionic people phobia is pretty toxic.