To be so antisocial

[Kongking12]

I am mid 40s, and am becoming increasingly antisocial... I just don't really enjoy other people's company much anymore. I am married, no children and orphaned. I really enjoy spending time with my husband and love my own company.

I used to work in an incredibly sociable industry right up until early 30s. I lived overseas and spent all day everyday with customers and colleagues. We even shared apartments.

I used to be really outgoing but now I just find most people draining. They either have too many opinions, lack self awareness, can be passive aggressive or rude... and this is both family members and friends. I don't feel like I'm missing out on weekly coffees with friends or Sunday lunches with my in-laws.

Once a year I have a holiday where I catch up with some old friends and we keep in touch by what's app and social media. I see people with all these plans every weekend having girly brunches, days out in London etc, and I just feel exhausted for them although I know they enjoy it.

Is it possible to be people'd out? I do have anxiety which effects things but why can't I find joy in people much anymore? Or am I just listening to my instincts? I do make sure that I am independent and don't rely on my husband for everything. I travel alone on holidays sometimes etc and maintain good relationships with my sibling and an old friend but wondered how social other people in similar circumstances are? I feel like it's just me. I miss the days of laughing for hours with friends or gossiping over silly things but either don't have much in common with my old friends or don't have the social battery.

I do think it’s important that people understand that social isolation isn’t particularly healthy.

You may hate socialising in big groups and noisy parties. But a coffee and a walk with a friend? Even an introvert can’t really argue against that. And it is so good for you.

I am not a naturally sociable person. Now that I'm not guilt-tripped into doing things (I was a serious people pleaser for a large chunk of my life), I no longer feel obliged to pretend to enjoy it... because I've always preferred my own company, and I'm OK with that.

When a family member announced the Covid ban on socialising in groups and outside of your family home, my first thought was, "Excellent! I get even more of an excuse to avoid people!"

It is much more peaceful and, in any case, my job takes so many hours out of my life that I struggle to have much of a battery left after it all.

It isn't a 'getting older' thing - at 71 I enjoy the company of my friends and family - sadly widowed now and my friends have helped me a huge amount.

The pressure to conform to society's norms about socialisation would make you get in the bunker quick and stay there.

You know the drill, "oh come on out, you'll love it, there will be lots of people you know and we'll have a laugh. Come on, don't be a fuddy duddy, you're making yourself old, life is short, it won't be a late night, we're just going for eats, then cocktails later" yada yada.

No thanks. I'll go anywhere for a late into afternoon lunch/meet up, but no I'm not going out at night anymore unless it's to a family celebration. They are usually great fun, but I know everyone and they know me. I don't have to make small talk or be friendly and engaged for hours with relative strangers or people I don't know so well. That's exhausting TBH, yep an introvert, but we are needed for balance in the world!

There are many thousands like me. But honestly, I'm not worried what people think anymore. They usually forget who was there anyway

Socialising can be in the day and with just one other. Doesn’t need to be about parties and staying out late.

I think it’s the social interactions that are beneficial to people’s health. So a quick chat. Or going to a hobby group. Anything really - it’s about forcing yourself to get out and interact with others. Even just for a short time.

I'm just fighting back agains the general assumption by many people that introverts must have something wrong with them that needs fixing.

It works both ways though doesn't it?

I've seen so many posts on here by people who claim the same about "extroverts" (and I use both classifications guardedly as I think most of the time they are used incorrectly).

I've seen people describe extroverts as "needy", "narcissists", "show-offs", and "empty vessels make the most noise". Screeds of real bile about people because, basically, they enjoy being social or are good at it.

As I said earlier, I think to some extent a bit of a reset was needed. The world of work does tend to value extroverts more than introverts, so I understand the desire to emphasise the value in quiet, private, reserved lives.

But in recent years it seems to have become carte blanche for people who are socially anxious to lash out at people who aren't.

I'm audhd and hardly ever have any contact with others now. They can't handle it if I unmask and if I mask I don't want to talk as it just centres around smalltalk which I don't have the energy for now.

This is very inspiring, both for introverts and those who are not. It is the Ted Talk on introverts by Susan Cain. If you have time, have a look.