Why can’t some women just be friends with everyone?

[TeamPlayerz]

I’m sick of people, mainly women I’ve come across who do this.

About a year ago I started a new job. I was replacing a couple of people who retired, but one of them has stayed on as a consultant for the company. Then another woman joined after me. We job share the role sort of.

I’ve been nothing but a team player, helping her settle in, sharing resources, and covering for her when she goes on holiday, school holidays, she’s sick, or her DC are sick.The “consultant” also does this for her, but is not always available so it mostly falls to me.

Over the past month my colleague seems to have decided to cosy up to the semi retired/ consultant and put all her eggs in her basket. That’s because this person has more experience than me, and can give her better advice etc. They go for lunches and coffees and my colleague tells her their personal problems and the other gives her advice. That’s fair enough. However, with every week I get better at my job, and I’m getting great feedback from my manager. I don’t think the issue is me as much be always got feedback that I’m a great team player. I think my colleague feels a bit threatened by me, but there’s really no need. There’s no competition in our job.

I’m not jealous of their relationship, I just don’t understand why my colleague can’t be a bit more professional about it all. I feel like I’m at school where we had a group, then 2 splintered off and just wanted to be friends. I find it very childish in a professional setting.

The other week I heard my colleague talking to the other and they didn’t realise I came back, and I’m pretty sure she was bad mouthing me as they pulled away all embarrassed when I turned up. They are actually a pair of gossips.

It’s making me feel demotivated and a bit paranoid. I feel like telling my manager I want to move and be part of a bigger working team and let them get on with it. I don’t need petty year 7 friendship conflicts in my life.

The other thing is, I don’t understand why my colleague has not just been professional with me. I’m a team player and been really helpful to her. I’ve covered for her and will be asked to do it again and again as she’s always needing cover and the consultant isn’t always available. If she’s going to be like this then AIBU to say I’m busy and can’t do it.

Well you can’t always be friends with everyone but that’s not really what your problem is. The issue is that this colleague is unprofessional and sneaky.
Stop covering for her. Do your job and not hers. The bad mouthing is really not on.

It sounds like she sees you as a colleague, and I am sure you are a good colleague to her. But she has developed a friendship with this other person that goes beyond general collegiality. Sometimes the people you work with, while they are perfectly pleasant people, just stay as colleagues. Sometimes a few of them become friends as well.

Over the past month my colleague seems to have decided to cosy up to the semi retired/ consultant and put all her eggs in her basket. That’s because this person has more experience than me, and can give her better advice etc. They go for lunches and coffees and my colleague tells her their personal problems and the other gives her advice.

That just sounds like they've become friends. That is allowed.

Talking about you is not nice to overhear. What were they saying?

Because some people are arseholes. And because you're not an arsehole, you don't get it. If you can move within the company, I would.

Not All Women Are Like That.

Just scale back all the extra cover & make yourself less available. That said I think sometimes people do click with someone more naturally. They might have just genuinely hit it off.

Agree with this.

Plenty will come on and say that you're being unreasonable and ppl are allowed to be friends, but no - the colleague has shown her true colours.

Of course people are allowed to be friends. If it were a large department it would be fine, but there are 2 of us and a 3rd person consulting and helping on larger projects.

The Mumsnetter who said she is sneaky is dead right. That’s what the issue is. I just don’t get it. The consultant is retired. She’ll be going off on months long travels and at some point will wind it down further. Surely working in a small team is, you help me and I’ll help you, we are both winners.

I really do feel like it’s affecting my enjoyment and performance at work and I’m unhappy.

I couldn’t pull them up on bad mouthing me as I didn’t hear it. I gave a presentation to some clients and my colleague said in front of the consultant that my presentation went well. Then I walked away, and saw her lean in in the reflection of a massive mirror in front of me and whisper something in her ear and the consultant said “oh, oh dear”. So I turned around and walked back and they were both really embarrassed.

There’s not much you can do to limit the depth and frequency of contact between consultant and new colleague. Maybe they have found a commonality between them that you don’t have. I no longer have much in common with colleagues who have small dc - but boy, do I have a good gas with menopausal workmates. That doesn’t mean I have lost my ability to remember I’m in my workplace and have to remain unbiased and treat all colleagues in their merit. And this is what you have to be on the watch for when it comes to this consultant.
Ensure you have regular performance reviews with your manager. Tell your manager that now that new colleague seems so much more confident you are pleased that you won’t have to support/cover her as much and can maybe concentrate on developing your own role. Then keep your head down and do your job, and only yours.
IME these workplace friendship that jump straight to very close and intense usually end in tears when the senior colleague has to exercise their seniority in a way that doesn’t suit the junior, so expect one or the other to start badmouthing their ‘bestie’ at some point. Give this no truck - keep your own lines clear with your manager and let them get on with it.

Tedious isn't it.

I joined a company a while back where the longest serving woman was as difficult as she could be.

If I wore a light perfume she'd sit there all morning fake-sneezing and complaining about feeling wheezy.
If I wore a dress, she'd take the mike or ask me who I was trying to pull. She always wore jeans
Whatever I did, she had a downer on it. Silly because I wasn't a threat to her, we had completely different jobs. In the end I took headphones into work, and retreated into my own little world.

I don’t think they’ve hit it off, or get on like a house on fire. I think my colleague has cosied up to the consultant to get what she wants out of her and the consultant is flattered.

I’ve noticed that the latter doesn’t look impressed lately by her attitude and some of the things she says, whilst I’ve remained uber professional throughout.

I genuinely think in her head she decided to pick a side, which she didn’t need to do. There was no reason for it. I think she’s burned her bridges with me. I can actually see us falling out, and this would be a first colleague conflict in my whole career. She does other stuff like not sharing info, or forgetting to tell me important things and I feel like I’m being deliberately tripped up. She’s like a child at school with their arm round their school work so you can’t copy it.

I think it’s really stupid. It’s only a matter of days before there’s some issue at home and I’ll be asked to step in and cover on my day off.

Id say that not everyone is nice. Horrible isnt it. But, now you can see how she is dont be so accommodating.

Thing is you can’t do anything about what other people think of you. This woman sounds a bit cynical and unprofessional but by the same token she for whatever reason prefers the consultant to you. Maybe she works better with her. Who knows?

I think you need to learn to care less about what others think of you. It works for me.

Just the way some people are. Can't fathom it myself, but then I wasn't in one of those nasty cliques at school either.

If you have the opportunity for advancement to a bigger team, go for it!! There is no need to badmouth the colleague, she will rise or fall on her own merits.

Next time this happens do not say yes! It’s your day off. Claim some some family issue you’re also dealing with - eg you are with your parents and therefore unavailable.

Continue to act professionally

I don’t really care who likes me or not at work. I keep my friends separate. What I care about is being professional and removing barriers to making my job more difficult than it is.

I genuinely don’t think they’ve hit it off, or have more in common. I think my colleague is a politician and a game player, came into the room and decided who to cosy up to. I think she’s done the wrong thing, as at the end of the day I’m her nearest colleague. If I take away my support she’ll have no one to cover for her as the consultant seems to be getting a bit fed up of doing so and has no hesitation in saying no when she’s busy.

This thread has helped me see that I don’t want to work with her anymore and in my next meeting l’ll be asking to move.

Just sit tight, do your job, ignore it.

Sounds like the semi-retired person is going to be out of the picture for long periods/permanently soon anyway. Then the dynamic will change. It's not worth falling out or worrying about too much as it's short term.

We only have your version of this

If you're doing your job well, getting good feedback and the retired person is going soon why rock the boat?

If I take away my support she’ll have no one to cover for her

So do that.

You seem to have created a whole backstory for this woman! Maybe she does genuinely just get on with the consultant 😂. You don't know what they were talking about after your presentation, it might have been completely unrelated.

You control you-stop providing cover on your days off. Asking to move sounds very extreme, but if that will make you happier, do it.

Thanks.

I’ve never once in my whole 25 year career had any negative feedback about my relationships with colleagues. In fact I regularly get very positive feedback about being a team player. I’m used to train and coach others and as a buddy.

Colleague on the other hand walked in and immediately formed a clique.

I do recognise a personality type here. Some people are just like this!

I would just take a step back from giving her extra help and being very much of the “it’s just work” mindset.

Colleague on the other hand walked in and immediately formed a clique.

'Formed a clique'? Or just 'made a friend'?

Colleague on the other hand walked in and immediately formed a clique.

Over the past month my colleague seems to have decided to cosy up to the semi retired/ consultant and put all her eggs in her basket.

?

Isn’t that true for literally every single thread ever posted not just on MN, but everywhere?

Pointless comment of the day award coming your way.

😂