Why can’t some women just be friends with everyone?

[TeamPlayerz]

I’m sick of people, mainly women I’ve come across who do this.

About a year ago I started a new job. I was replacing a couple of people who retired, but one of them has stayed on as a consultant for the company. Then another woman joined after me. We job share the role sort of.

I’ve been nothing but a team player, helping her settle in, sharing resources, and covering for her when she goes on holiday, school holidays, she’s sick, or her DC are sick.The “consultant” also does this for her, but is not always available so it mostly falls to me.

Over the past month my colleague seems to have decided to cosy up to the semi retired/ consultant and put all her eggs in her basket. That’s because this person has more experience than me, and can give her better advice etc. They go for lunches and coffees and my colleague tells her their personal problems and the other gives her advice. That’s fair enough. However, with every week I get better at my job, and I’m getting great feedback from my manager. I don’t think the issue is me as much be always got feedback that I’m a great team player. I think my colleague feels a bit threatened by me, but there’s really no need. There’s no competition in our job.

I’m not jealous of their relationship, I just don’t understand why my colleague can’t be a bit more professional about it all. I feel like I’m at school where we had a group, then 2 splintered off and just wanted to be friends. I find it very childish in a professional setting.

The other week I heard my colleague talking to the other and they didn’t realise I came back, and I’m pretty sure she was bad mouthing me as they pulled away all embarrassed when I turned up. They are actually a pair of gossips.

It’s making me feel demotivated and a bit paranoid. I feel like telling my manager I want to move and be part of a bigger working team and let them get on with it. I don’t need petty year 7 friendship conflicts in my life.

The other thing is, I don’t understand why my colleague has not just been professional with me. I’m a team player and been really helpful to her. I’ve covered for her and will be asked to do it again and again as she’s always needing cover and the consultant isn’t always available. If she’s going to be like this then AIBU to say I’m busy and can’t do it.

How long has this colleague been there?
If you've covered during her holidays, school holidays, kids sickness etc, she must have been there a while?
Presumably she will have to cover your job when you go on holiday?
But only in the last month has become more friendly with another member of the team?
You sound jealous to me.

Seems a weird job share if you're both at work at the same time

She's found she's bonded with this other colleague and they've become work friends.

I don't really see why this bothers you. Why can't you just invite either or both of them to lunch or the pub after work? If you want to try and be friends.

And why should it be women who are expected to be 'friends with everyone'. No, we are friends with people we like and have things in common with.

Just don’t cover for sneaky colleague anymore, you don’t have to explain why. And ask to move to a bigger team like you said, they can’t all be arseholes!

Teamplayerz And Im so glad Im retired! Seriously I think that this sort of pettyness is sadly all too common .Whether they have become Besties or just enjoying a working RL. Its not on for one person to feel left out.I would consider a move to another dept if possible .Even if the older person leaves and retires you will be left with a petty woman you dont like.

She’s been there about 8 months. I’ve been there a year. I didn’t notice their friendship at first because I didn’t see either of them much. It was only when we got together to work on things that I noticed how close they’d got. It didn’t bother me that much.

Over the past month I’ve noticed it affecting my work, my motivation and my enjoyment as she’s started keeping things back on handovers and not being forthcoming with info.

I’ve covered her holidays, sick days, emergency childcare. So has the other colleague. Yes I’ve had holidays, but the consultant covered for me. I keep a professional relationship with her. Job share colleague has never covered for me.

Some people's 'friendships' are not really that - they're just to get something out of it. This person has decided that costing up to the consultant might get her further up the ladder/impress the boss more. People like that are left lonely in retirement. I sit opposite one - she has no actual friends outside work.

Try to tune them out, but look to move departments when you can.

I think this is right.

I don’t really care who is friends with whoever. I don’t necessarily feel “left out” of the friendship. I just feel it is affecting my work and has me stressed out.

I’d rather work in a larger team where people’s personalities are more diluted rather than have to deal with one person who I find hard work and I feel like I’m swimming against a current unnecessarily.

If she's holding stuff back and not giving you info then this needs to be reported, assuming you have line managers you should flag it.
No need to be nasty about it but raise it as a concern otherwise if the shit hits the fan and you haven't raised it, it will come back on you

I couldn't work in a team which I didn't get on with OP, I think you are right to explore your options. Even when the consultant leaves you will still be stuck with someone who doesn't sound very good at their job.

You are focusing on the wrong bits and it's making you come across as jealous which I'm sure you are not. Ignore her relationship with the consultant and focus on the real problems.

She does other stuff like not sharing info, or forgetting to tell me important things
It’s only a matter of days before there’s some issue at home and I’ll be asked to step in and cover on my day off.

Stop covering on your day off and you need to have a proper chat with your manager regarding the other two points, which are actually detrimental to your work and could end up with you in a disciplinary.

About a year ago I started a new job. I was replacing a couple of people who retired, but one of them has stayed on as a consultant for the company.

^^ there’s your answer op! She’s embarrassed and feels a bit shown up so she has decided to get her revenge in a passive aggressive manner.

I agree with you that this sort of behaviour is pathetic and unprofessional. Your boss recognises this as you are getting better feedback. So carry on taking the high road and don’t let these ridiculous cliques get you down. Head up and carry on 👍👍

You keep saying this but I don't think you've really provided any concrete examples or evidence to suggest that it's the case. What exactly is it which makes you think it's something more sinister than just 2 people getting on well?
This consultant doesn't appear to be around all the time from what you say so what about the times when it's just you and the other colleague?

there’s your answer op!She’s embarrassed

Can you explain what you mean by this, @Howmanytimes78

Who do you think is embarrassed and why?

Also, you keep saying you're not bothered about being friends but your thread title suggests otherwise!
You've mentioned a couple of work related things this colleague has done which may well be an issue, but they seem to be completely separate to the relationship she has with consultant.
Are you sure you just don't like this woman for whatever (possibly justified) reason and you're a bit annoyed that consultant gets on with her?

I agree. Some people can't be a team. They function best in a small exclusive group. But not all work places work that way. You just have to keep on doing your best, being a team player. Be professional with her but no more.

I know it's hard, I've been there. BUT the upside is that maintaining your professional front is ALWAYS seen. I've been in similar situations and every time, my maintaining of my professionalism has eventually been acknowledged by management. They see it. They also see your silly colleague, as much as she thinks it goes unnoticed.

In the long run (doesn't help you much now @TeamPlayerz) it won't benefit her.

I agree with this OP, you’re coming across as jealous and your comments about this colleague get stronger with each response, she’s now a sneaky, bullying, politician game player forming cliques to get ahead. You clearly really don’t like this woman, and unless you can accept the good comments on your performance and just get on with it and leave her to it, I’d say you’ll have to move on/away.

The issue you mention where you feel she is deliberately withholding information is literally the only thing I’ve read that I feel she can be pulled up on. Find some good examples of that and mention it to your manager.

It’s perfectly fine for her to have a stronger relationship with the consultant; and the whisper in the ear could’ve been absolutely anything.

Some people are quick to work out what they want from people or to align themselves with whoever has the most power/influence/control. They flatter/charm/work people according to what they can offer - in your case, you offer flexible cover for whenever she’s off, in the consultants case maybe career enhancing knowledge, given that the colleague also holds back important information from you. Even when the consultant leaves, I doubt the colleague’s personality will change.

If you have the option to start moving toward the bigger team I would do that, move away and disentangle your reputation from hers. Definelty remain tight lipped and professional. Don’t give her any fuel to complain about you - she’s already showing a childish side to her personality, you are not dealing with a mature, fair adult.

This is excellent advice.

2 different things imo

Its human to get on better and develop a closer friendship with some more than others. I have work friends i have lunch with, lunch is my time not work time and i want to spend it with people i get on with or who share common interests.

Excluding you from professional conversations, bad mouthing you etc is different and not ok. Do you feel able to raise it with her directly or if not with your manager in a 121? Be clear about whats happening with examples and suggest what could improve things - for example a weekly team meeting or whatever. Leave the friendship aspect out of it though, thats a different thing and you cant force friendships.

Im not sure what her gender has to do with anything

The issue you mention where you feel she is deliberately withholding information is literally the only thing I’ve read that I feel she can be pulled up on. Find some good examples of that and mention it to your manager.

This

The rest is supposition.

You think she's forming a clique and using the consultant for her own gain (they could just be friends).

You think she was badmouthing you to the consultant (you actually have no idea what they were talking about).

You are angry she is off and asking you to concern your days off (you can just say you're busy).

If she is actually withholding information you need to do your job, then document that with evidence and speak to your senior.

Surely, she just likes her more? That’s okay. I would never sabotage a colleague’s work, but some of them are bloody annoying as hell and I struggle to tolerate their presence. I would definitely not be cosying up to anyone I didn’t particularly enjoy being around. That’s alright. Not everyone needs to be friends with everyone.

You sound like you're full of drama. Doesn't sound like there's anything actually going on here? Two people had lunch without you, is that it?

"I'm a team player, I'm a team player..." Team players usually don't go on about being team players in my experience.

As others have said, the issue to focus on is more the lack of communication causing barriers for you at work, whether it's forgetting or intentional (both have been mentioned), not whatever is going on between the other two. Document it all and discuss with your line manager.

Part of this is you've created stories in your head about what you think is happening based on far more limited information, and having an emotional response to those stories.

At work, I've been pulled away and had people embarrassingly stopped talking/stopped me talking and it's never been because we were bad talking anyone around. It's been because the topic was news that wasn't meant to be around the office (yet) like a potential upcoming change, or we were discussing how to handle an issue, sometimes with an entirely different person that, again, we didn't need the issue getting around the office. I've also had it when people, including myself, don't want to discuss a health issue or reasonable adjustment around others who don't need to know (part of my role is assisting people with workplace adjustments and I have some myself, some I don't like to discuss beyond those who already know).

I've also had situations where it's appeared to me that people are great friends, and I feel I'm being left out, only for weeks later, I'm being the confidant for one about how the other person has upset them and drives them nuts. I've learned that just because people are chatty, discussing personal things and more with each other, it doesn't automatically mean much, and just because I'm feeling a certain way, doesn't mean it's based in reality.

And to answer the title question: I can be friendly with everyone in a professional way most of the time - we all have our rough days. I can't be friends with everyone because I physically and mentally do not have the energy to do so. I'm in a much bigger team and we are not all friends with each other. Moving to a bigger team may give you more options to click with people, but you can get the same feeling of cliques even if they're not there with a larger group.

If this is a thing you believe women do, then make friends with the men, and see how that goes.