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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hen do activity

33 replies

dondon0 · 01/02/2026 09:21

My Maid of Honour is currently planning my hen do, with some input from my bridesmaids. It’s a weekend abroad so I’ve offered to pay for myself as it’s not fair for others to cover the cost. This is somewhere that the bridesmaids have been a few times.

I don’t know what the rough itinerary is and none of the potential activities have been booked yet.

My maid of honour has told me that the bridesmaids want to do a day long activity, which is quite expensive. The problem is that she knows I would hate it, which is why she’s told me. She’s told the bridesmaids it would be my idea of hell but they have all apparently said that they loved it and I will be fine.

I’m now in a situation where one of the three days will be spent doing something I don’t want to do, and it costing a bomb at the same time. AIBU to put my foot down and say absolutely not (which would seriously annoy the bridesmaids), or suck it up and let them plan the whole thing? I don’t want to be THAT kind of bride ☹️

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 01/02/2026 09:28

Why would your bridesmaids agree to something they would know you hate 🥴
if you’re already going abroad isn’t that enough of a treat
get your MOH to be a bit more mindful etc

hmmnotreallysure · 01/02/2026 09:32

So it's your hen do and therefore should be about you. I think it's crazy that they're planning something that they know you'll hate!
I'd go back to the MOH and say can you please not plan something you know I won't like. Let them be annoyed! They'll get over it.

CantThinkofaNam · 01/02/2026 09:33

Sounds like all want a holiday and you’re just part of the trip rather than being the reason for it

Original poster
dondon0 · 01/02/2026 09:34

CantThinkofaNam · 01/02/2026 09:33

Sounds like all want a holiday and you’re just part of the trip rather than being the reason for it

That’s exactly how it feels!

OP posts:
CinnamonBuns67 · 01/02/2026 09:34

Yanbu OP do not suck it up, it's your hen do so you should not be doing activities you hate, it should be about you and what you would enjoy. Really shitty of them to not be focusing on what you would like and knowingly doing something you dislike. When it's their hen do they can do whatever activities they like but until that day comes put your foot down.

Itsallstressstressstress · 01/02/2026 09:35

Just say no that you’re not doing it. I personally not a fan of hen do’s abroad but accept that is the norm but aside from the time used going, the costs rack up. Just because they like it you and others might not, so I think there needs to be agreement to find something that most will enjoy at a reasonable price.

5foot5 · 01/02/2026 09:39

You are not being "that kind of bride"!

If the boot was on the other foot and it was you trying to coerce all the bridesmaids into something you love and they all hate then that would possibly be a bit bridezilla-ish. But they can't seriously expect you to spend time on your own hen do on something you have made quite plain you dislike.

Make your position quite clear with the MOH and put a stop to this.

jackstini · 01/02/2026 09:56

Has she told you what the activity is, or just that she thinks you would hate it? (I’m intrigued as to what it is!)

You are definitely not being unreasonable to not want to spend a whole day and a lot of money doing something you hate - it’s YOUR hen do, not theirs!

Original poster
dondon0 · 01/02/2026 10:01

jackstini · 01/02/2026 09:56

Has she told you what the activity is, or just that she thinks you would hate it? (I’m intrigued as to what it is!)

You are definitely not being unreasonable to not want to spend a whole day and a lot of money doing something you hate - it’s YOUR hen do, not theirs!

She’s told me and I definitely would hate it!

OP posts:
sesquipedalian · 01/02/2026 10:01

OP, this is outrageous, and I agree with a PP that this is a holiday for,the bridesmaids with a hen-do tacked on. Tell the MOH that not only do you not want to do this activity, you’re absolutely not paying for it, and if they are hell-bent on doing it, it will be without you (which will put into perspective just where the focus of this hen do actually is).

Ocelotfeet27 · 01/02/2026 10:02

Just say - really sorry, im not up for doing XX. Suggest we do YY instead. Please dont book XX.

giraffeeyelashes · 01/02/2026 10:06

OP- you know this is insanity. Its your hen do and for them to try to force you into doing something you would hate just because they like it is just awful.

Of course you can put your foot down and say no. You dont have to people please - this is your hen do. You have full permission to do this

Lurkingandlearning · 01/02/2026 10:10

That would colour my view of the whole trip. They are being incredibly selfish. As others have said they are turning it into their trip with your hen celebration being an add on, something they will participate in unless there's something they would prefer to do. To be honest, I think it would give me second thoughts about having them as bridesmaids.

I don't like lying but on this occasion I would say I had incurred a large unexpected expense and needed to cut back on the hen trip and bridesmaids. And I wouldn't be drawn into explaining what the expense was. Then I would have a weekend away with my maid of honour.

They might not like it but I'm not sure I'd like them much if they thought I could just suck up a very expensive, miserable day doing something I hate on my hen trip because they wanted to do it.

PluckyChancer · 01/02/2026 10:12

Surely all you need is to agree a compromise?

If your bridesmaids are paying for themselves to go abroad for YOUR hen do, you don’t then get to dictate how they spend all their time once there.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with some of them going off to do their preferred activity for a day and you spending that time with your MoH doing something else. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Presumably, you’ll get together in the evening for a meal etc?

I’m not wasting £££ and precious leave just to indulge someone else’s whims 24/7.

That would be very Bridezilla.

Auroraloves · 01/02/2026 10:15

dondon0 · 01/02/2026 10:01

She’s told me and I definitely would hate it!

Show quote history

What is it? That’s seriously unfair are they always this selfish and mean?

ClashCityRocker · 01/02/2026 10:17

It does sound shitty OP, and agree they've forgotten it's not so much a holiday for them but a celebration for you - although I guess that's to be expected when they've turned into trips abroad and much larger financial commitments than a night round town. Not judging, it's the same in my friendship group.

I do think you need to put you (or your maid of honour) need to put your foot down. Can she communicate with the others that she sounded you out about it as a hypothetical and you were quite upset by the prospect?

ClashCityRocker · 01/02/2026 10:19

And I think it's fine to say ' you go ahead and do it, I'm not doing or paying for it, I'll meet you later on'.

A few hen dos I've been on not everyone has done all of the activities for various reasons.

Notasbigasithink · 01/02/2026 10:41

dondon0 · 01/02/2026 09:21

My Maid of Honour is currently planning my hen do, with some input from my bridesmaids. It’s a weekend abroad so I’ve offered to pay for myself as it’s not fair for others to cover the cost. This is somewhere that the bridesmaids have been a few times.

I don’t know what the rough itinerary is and none of the potential activities have been booked yet.

My maid of honour has told me that the bridesmaids want to do a day long activity, which is quite expensive. The problem is that she knows I would hate it, which is why she’s told me. She’s told the bridesmaids it would be my idea of hell but they have all apparently said that they loved it and I will be fine.

I’m now in a situation where one of the three days will be spent doing something I don’t want to do, and it costing a bomb at the same time. AIBU to put my foot down and say absolutely not (which would seriously annoy the bridesmaids), or suck it up and let them plan the whole thing? I don’t want to be THAT kind of bride ☹️

My hen-do was a shit show because my party booked something that I absolutely wouldnt want to do (think alcohol based for someone who is teetotal.....) Ruined my wedding tbh as I was apparently 'ungrateful' and created a massive atmosphere.
I wish I had put my foot down and said no. I'd rather have not had the hen-do than being made to spend a whole day watching my entire hen party get pissed out of their trees whilst I stood their cold sober

Duckingpondlake · 01/02/2026 11:51

I don't think you can specify what everyone needs to do for 7 days for sorry!
Week long hen nights are a real indulgence, if people are using their money and their annual leave they are allowed to spend some time doing what they want, you really can't expect 7 whole days dedicated to your upcoming wedding surely?

StiffAsAVicar · 01/02/2026 11:55

dondon0 · 01/02/2026 09:21

My Maid of Honour is currently planning my hen do, with some input from my bridesmaids. It’s a weekend abroad so I’ve offered to pay for myself as it’s not fair for others to cover the cost. This is somewhere that the bridesmaids have been a few times.

I don’t know what the rough itinerary is and none of the potential activities have been booked yet.

My maid of honour has told me that the bridesmaids want to do a day long activity, which is quite expensive. The problem is that she knows I would hate it, which is why she’s told me. She’s told the bridesmaids it would be my idea of hell but they have all apparently said that they loved it and I will be fine.

I’m now in a situation where one of the three days will be spent doing something I don’t want to do, and it costing a bomb at the same time. AIBU to put my foot down and say absolutely not (which would seriously annoy the bridesmaids), or suck it up and let them plan the whole thing? I don’t want to be THAT kind of bride ☹️

Wow. Sorry OP, your friends sound less than ideal. But your MOH shouldn’t have stressed you out with this and put you in this uncomfortable position. SHE should have told the bridesmaids absolutely not and put her foot down on your behalf. I don’t know what to suggest but you’re not being unreasonable and I hope these friends make up for their shitty behaviour in other ways xxx have a great time

Fopar · 01/02/2026 12:02

Duckingpondlake · 01/02/2026 11:51

I don't think you can specify what everyone needs to do for 7 days for sorry!
Week long hen nights are a real indulgence, if people are using their money and their annual leave they are allowed to spend some time doing what they want, you really can't expect 7 whole days dedicated to your upcoming wedding surely?

OP says that it is a weekend abroad and later refers to the activity taking up "one of the three days".

Where are you getting 7 days from?

PopcornKitten · 01/02/2026 12:02

Are you happy to work with your MOH on the itinerary? It would be best if you did this and then MOH can put out a poll on the group chat where people select what they want to do.
are you happy for the party to separate for some of the time?

then people can pick and commit to what they want to do.
If you want everyone together and they don’t like the plan they have the choice to drop out before anything is booked.

Original poster
dondon0 · 01/02/2026 12:54

Duckingpondlake · 01/02/2026 11:51

I don't think you can specify what everyone needs to do for 7 days for sorry!
Week long hen nights are a real indulgence, if people are using their money and their annual leave they are allowed to spend some time doing what they want, you really can't expect 7 whole days dedicated to your upcoming wedding surely?

It’s 3 days, over a weekend. Not sure where you got 7 days from.

OP posts:
Leopardspota · 01/02/2026 12:57

Surely the MOH is chief organiser. She needs to put her foot down and say no. Or, she can say ‘that’s fine you can all do X, me and the bride will be doing Y, as I know she’ll prefer Y’

BudgetBuster · 01/02/2026 13:03

Is it just you, MOH & bridesmaids going? Or are there other people too?

I've been on plenty of hens where not everyone does the activities for various reasons. In my circle we would usually offer one opt-out kind of activity (that we know everyone won't be into)... e.g. "Sunday some people will go a a 5 hour hike, anyone who doesn't want to attend can instead chill by the pool with the bride and we will all meet for dinner in the evening"

If it's just you, MOH & Bridesmaids then your MOH needs to speak up and say Bride will hate this, I'm not having anything to do with it... I'll organise something special for the bride and you guys can explain why you are doing something else.