I will stop emotionally abusing you if….

[GreatPlumShark]

Hi everyone,

I’m struggling and really need some perspective.

My husband says I’ve “changed” and that I’ve emotionally gone cold. The reality is that I’ve changed for the better. I was diagnosed with ADHD and started medication, and for the first time in my life my mind isn’t constantly jumbled and my self-esteem isn’t cripplingly low. I feel clearer, calmer and more grounded.

For the whole 13 years we’ve been together, however, he has been verbally abusive. He puts me down, mocks my medication, and attacks my character during arguments. Afterwards he denies it, minimises it, or dismisses it completely. For years I kept bouncing back and telling myself this was just part of marriage. I can’t keep doing that anymore. I’m human. On top of this I had two years of repeated behaviour that he knew was upsetting me and damaging our marriage but he continued just the same.

I recently asked him to change his work hours so he could be home at weekends, as we have very little family time and no wider family support. I also raised concerns about his job. He’s 46 and works in a takeaway — a job he told me was temporary three years ago after a failed business. Three years later, nothing has changed, despite him being capable of much more. Financially he has excess income each month, yet nothing to show for it. When I raise this, he becomes defensive, lies about timelines, or accuses me of pressuring him.

Last night he came home and told me I make his life a misery. I spent two hours calmly trying to explain myself, really articulating how I feel and why I’m struggling. We got nowhere. Instead, I felt even more depressed when he said: “Okay, I’ll stop emotionally abusing you if…” — followed by conditions that I stop “nagging” and stop being “miserable”.

That’s what’s really stayed with me. A 46-year-old man framing abuse as something that’s negotiable, or only stops if I behave differently.

I don’t feel like I’ve emotionally gone. I feel like I’ve stopped accepting mistreatment and stopped carrying everything alone.

We have a 10-year-old son and I’ve stayed and tried for his sake. But I’m starting to question what I’m teaching him about relationships, accountability and self-worth.

Has anyone else experienced this — where you become healthier and stronger, and your partner responds with blame, conditions and resentment? How do you cope when abuse is denied or reframed as your responsibility?

Thank you for reading ❤️

You’re only unreasonable for putting up with it. He sounds deeply unpleasant, and I suspect your life would be a million times nicer if you left him. Can you?

“You’ve changed. You’re not the doormat I married” is not the great argument for remaining in a marriage that your husband seems to think it is.

If I were you I would get a decent job, stash some money and find a decent divorce lawyer.

This 💯

How you cope is by leaving this pathetic man

Yep, my ex got upset and more abusive with me after I did an assertive course for women. He actually complained that I was much more difficult to manage after that! No, just more awake to your bullshit. I kept trying, for too long, to ‘work at it’; but eventually saw that I would never change him and I had to leave. Never looked back.

I think no matter how much you try to explain yourself to this man, he won't hear you. Save your breath. What do you want to do now? Because it sounds like there's a choice between staying and accepting this is just how it is, or leaving.

Personally, I think you deserve better than this.

I haven't witnessed this in a romantic relationship personally, but have seen a similar dynamic play out between DH and his mother, where 'you've changed' basically meant he wouldn't tolerate some of the bullshit anymore. They're currently nc because of it, at his instigation.

You’re being unreasonable for still staying with this man.

Concentrate on what your son is learning about life from seeing his mother being abused .concentrate on how your son feels seeing his mother being abused.

there is no reason to stay with someone who does not respect you/like you and views your needs as an inconvenience.

good luck op making a nice life for you and your child.

The “if…” is part of the abuse. He’ll stop the overt verbal abuse (he says…yeah, right) if you inflict the abuse on yourself by treading on eggshells and suppressing your feelings around him.

You can do better , much better

you can see clearly now and your son will tank you for it

Not exactly the same but I’ve been in this position. It creeps up on you. My ex used to tell me constantly if I wasn’t so annoying he wouldn’t have to shout and if I modified my behaviour then he wouldn’t get angry.
i haven’t been long and have been left in a terrible financial position and am still getting abuse via messsges but please think about leaving. Honestly the lightness now I have now I’ve got rid of that horrible dead weight!
also while my children were small and they went along with his rules it was easier but when mine became teenagers and they disagreed with him the abuse crossed to them too,

I am probably overly suspicious, but does working in a take away really pay that well? It's not a drugs front is it?

Exactly what @ErrolTheDragon said.
your health, mental and physical will be so much better not being around him.

Goodness what a thing for him to have said. He sounds horrid. I know separating isn’t as easy as everyone likes to make out it is but surely you can’t come back after having that sort of thing said to you? How can you respect him and want to be intimate with him after that?

He doesn't want to change his behaviour. You cannot change him. So you either accept this is your life now or you get out. It's time to make that decision.

Never, ever stay for the children's sake. It hurts them more than if you left.

Congratulations for changing for the better. And recognising how far you've come.

Exactly 💯

I'm in a similar position (not with DH), where im being told "i dont even recognise you anymore" because I have stopped smoothing things, ive stopped absorbing blame that isnt mine - basically I've stopped them being able to manipulate me to their benefit.

The person telling you this is trying to destabilise you

Ive been using chatgpt to assess our interactions and help me to progress, and it told me this.

about “I don’t recognise you anymore”
That sentence is designed to unmoor your identity.
What it really means is:
“You’re no longer behaving in ways that make me feel comfortable or powerful.”
People say this when:
you stop fawning
you stop absorbing blame
you speak clearly
you don’t collapse under guilt
So paradoxically — this line often appears right when someone is changing in a healthy way.

Well done you!

edit to add that chatgpt has been very helpful in my progress, helping me to understand what the interactions mean, what state of mind they represent, and advising me how to take the next step.

Look, I’m not defending him or his treatment of you, he doesn’t sound great. But it can be very very difficult living with someone with neurodivergence. My husband has adhd and I am in a constant flux between frustration, being accommodating and sympathetic, supporting him and feeling unsupported myself. A lot of the time I feel guilty but also I had to give and navigate complexities that a “normal” relationship wouldn’t have to. I am not cruel, abusive or even unkind, but I am a human and our lives are very unbalanced by his adhd.

is it likely he has found life with you challenging?

its hard to tell from your post but he has got a job, although you don’t approve, and he should never mock your medication or your character, clearly, but, again, I can only speak from my own experience, my dh is liable to be hyper sensitive and interpret inert comments as personal attacks. He tends to turn any expression of my emotion or feeling onto himself and only looks at his feelings about my emotion. It’s v hard.

Staying with an abusive arsehole is not a benefit to your child. Don't waste any more time with this awful man.

Just leave. Why are you wasting more time trying to justify this. Free yourself. If he wants to put work in and win you back then he will.

"I will stop emotionally abusing you if..."
...if you leave with your son, so he can't any more.

Come on, OP, this is no way to live. This is no way to model a healthy relationship to your son.

I am usually the first person to say try and save the marriage. But if he actually uttered those words, he isn't worth holding onto.

"I do love you it's just you're really annoying..." That was one of the nicer things my ex said towards the end. Eventually he suggested I go kill myself (said in front of our toddler).

He is contemptuous. You can't recover this. You need out

You need to leave. He is abusing you. He knows it. You know it. Your kid knows it and witnesses it. You aren't helping your child by staying. You are increasingly his chances of either being an abuser or being abused. Children often become what they see. They emulate. That's why patterns of abuse can last for generations.

He will never stop emotionally abusing you. Get your ducks in a row. Stash as much money as possible. Find out everything you can about his financial position. If you have any evidence of this behaviour, document it. Go and see a divorce lawyer to explore your options. Good luck.

Talk to women's aid too. It'll help you see it.