I will stop emotionally abusing you if….

[GreatPlumShark]

Hi everyone,

I’m struggling and really need some perspective.

My husband says I’ve “changed” and that I’ve emotionally gone cold. The reality is that I’ve changed for the better. I was diagnosed with ADHD and started medication, and for the first time in my life my mind isn’t constantly jumbled and my self-esteem isn’t cripplingly low. I feel clearer, calmer and more grounded.

For the whole 13 years we’ve been together, however, he has been verbally abusive. He puts me down, mocks my medication, and attacks my character during arguments. Afterwards he denies it, minimises it, or dismisses it completely. For years I kept bouncing back and telling myself this was just part of marriage. I can’t keep doing that anymore. I’m human. On top of this I had two years of repeated behaviour that he knew was upsetting me and damaging our marriage but he continued just the same.

I recently asked him to change his work hours so he could be home at weekends, as we have very little family time and no wider family support. I also raised concerns about his job. He’s 46 and works in a takeaway — a job he told me was temporary three years ago after a failed business. Three years later, nothing has changed, despite him being capable of much more. Financially he has excess income each month, yet nothing to show for it. When I raise this, he becomes defensive, lies about timelines, or accuses me of pressuring him.

Last night he came home and told me I make his life a misery. I spent two hours calmly trying to explain myself, really articulating how I feel and why I’m struggling. We got nowhere. Instead, I felt even more depressed when he said: “Okay, I’ll stop emotionally abusing you if…” — followed by conditions that I stop “nagging” and stop being “miserable”.

That’s what’s really stayed with me. A 46-year-old man framing abuse as something that’s negotiable, or only stops if I behave differently.

I don’t feel like I’ve emotionally gone. I feel like I’ve stopped accepting mistreatment and stopped carrying everything alone.

We have a 10-year-old son and I’ve stayed and tried for his sake. But I’m starting to question what I’m teaching him about relationships, accountability and self-worth.

Has anyone else experienced this — where you become healthier and stronger, and your partner responds with blame, conditions and resentment? How do you cope when abuse is denied or reframed as your responsibility?

Thank you for reading ❤️

It’s great that you feel so much stronger, but it’s obvious that this relationship is toxic. For the sake of your son, you either need to separate (and put all of your efforts into co-parenting in a civilised way), or live together but separate lives for as long as you can bear it (so essentially you’re under the same roof but spend as little time together as possible and communicate really only about your DS and other essentials).

I must say as well I do find your post a bit contradictory…after what sounds like a horrible marriage and obvious issues with his behaviour you’re asking him to spend more time together?

Now you can see clearly that he’s been waging a sustained campaign of deliberate emotional abuse against you, surely you can see that the only solution is to get out? It’s especially important to do this for your son - you definitely owe it to him not to let him grow up thinking that this is how you are a man and a partner. Rather than staying for your son’s sake, allowing this to continue playing out in front of him is damaging, in terms of his own development and in witnessing the abuse of his mother.

Worth reposting

Get a divorce!!!

What he told you should kill off any remaining shred of feelings you might have for him.

I was married to one of these.

When I finally stopped tolerating his abuse and left him, he told me that the problem wasn't that he was abusive, it was that I wasn't resilient enough to being abused. I think about that every day.

Someone like this is never going to understand your perspective OP, no matter how much you calmly explain yourself.