I am so so tired, overwhelmed, behind everything, i want to scream

[RealReginaPhalange]

Mom of two boys. Reception and almost 1 year old, went back to work (little more than part time, 3/4 i would say) month ago. He goes to childminder. I am so so tired and busy and overwhelmed. How do people do it? We have no one to help, no one, friends away, no family (we are from overseas) so its just me, DH, kids and a dog.

DH works long hours, 2 day shifts, 2 nights and then off. He helps when he is home (after work and on days off, no help when he is on nights).
its endless cooking, cleaning, toys everywhere, laundry, ironing, older boy’s homework, baths, groceries, putting to sleep, both wakes up at night few times, one or another always up very early. The morning rush to get them out of the door on time, occasionally breakfast club for the older one, then gotta drop the baby off, then straight to work, work is busy, then back to get one boy, second one, then home, around 3 hours before bedtime, running like a headless chicken and finally, they asleep. Its usually around 8pm when both are down, kitchen is a mess, floor has to be hoovered because of the dog, oh i would like to eat smth too! Usually everything is done and ready for the next day by 9pm…but then i decided to continue my acca studies! I am tired, overwhelmed and have to study?! I really really try…its not going well and i have an exam in 4 weeks now, i failed first attempt in december.

DH helps along when he is home so yeah, not “all on me”…although boys are all over me and in a “mummy phase” I barely can do anything by myself.

not to mention..havent shaved my legs in 3 weeks, would love to take care of my nails, put a face mask on, start getting on track and do little bit of exercises as i have 25kg to loose at this point.

yes i know there are single mothers, or many other families just like this with more than 2 kids, but oh boy i am so so struggling with fitting everything in a day. Send help😫

Buy in help.
Cleaner.
Online shops same every week.

Me too. Except I work full time and my partner has less than me. But the overall balance between us is similar. I'm burnt out.

Not very helpful but I guess it is possible because here we are doing it.

Yeah it's a tough time of life. Get help where you can. Don't be a martyr and let some stuff slide. It will pass. Life as the kids get older gets less intense in this way. Mine are grown and flown now and life is so different but I remember those difficult years. It will get better I promise!

Cant afford paid help.

You’re in the thick of it right now but it will get better. Could you batch cook some meals when DH is off and can help with this or with the kids to let you do this? Then eat when the kids do, which saves you a job after they’re in bed.
Set aside studying time on days DH works and let him do the bedtime stuff so you have from 7-9 on that day then maybe schedule yourself a bath one evening a week to relax a little, shave etc.
If you’re batch cooking you could look at your intake as weight loss is likely to be food related rather than exercise related. But if you have a lunch hour at work could you go for a quick walk then?

But you’re doing a fab job as it is and it is hard. So give yourself a big pat on the back first and foremost!!

I do let things slide now a lot and trust me it is annoying me as i like things done but i it just impossible now to keep up with everything. I do what needs to be done only, but it still takes time.

Honestly during that period it was all I could do to stay alive, lower my standards, and not try to do anything else. Buy ready meals and eat off paper plates a few days a week if you need to reduce the load.

Can you delay your studies? There's no way I could have done it when my DC were that age.

I guess you might be right. Maybe this is how it is for everyone.

You just have to let some things slide sometimes and not be hard on yourself for it.
how are your hours structured at work? Could you squeeze hours in over less days so you have more time at home or stretch hours over more days so your not rushing?

I could delay…but i did it already for like 10 years now (graduated, got out of a toxic relationship, went through therapy, years of antidepressants, got out of all that finally and felt i am ready to go back to study, i was half way through)

paper plates sound like a good idea though!

It's weird. You feel like this bit should be enjoyable.

And i am the queen of planning and organising and look at me now 😖

baby still needs to be fed and he bloody screams when i turn around to do anything in between, its like i am going to starve him because his next
bite is a second later😂

acceptance of what is - is the only way. sad but true.

Yeah ironing needs to be done, but i only do essentials though now and rest is pilling up in the laundry basket and i sort it out like once a month properly, usually just grab few things for me and the kids and get it done so they have clothes for the few days.

dog sheds so we need to vacuum twice a day but i got cordless, handheld (its amazing) vacuum which we keep downstairs for a quick hoover, no bringing bigger corded one from upstairs and setting it up.

is your partner helping with anything?

Same here, but both DH and I work full time and minus the studying. It feels very difficult, especially with 1year old constantly battling nursery bugs, both kids not sleeping well atm. I’m also keen to see what advice/tips are suggested.

It sounds like a lot, especially with neither DC sleeping though the night and then early wakings.
A few thoughts:
Why can't DH do anything while on night shift? If he works 12 hour shifts, and sleeps for 8, that leaves 4 hours in which he could do something to help.
It sounds as if his days off, or least some of them, fall while both DC are out of the house. He could do some cleaning & washing ( the bulk of it) on those days.
Ironing children's clothes is not necessary.
Maybe your own clothes need ironing occasionally if you are customer facing in a formal work environment, but otherwise, they probably don't. For example, if your tops are jumpers and things made out of jersey, they don't need ironing. Most things can be reworn several times if hung up between wearings, sponged down if required, and put on a clean body. I very rarely iron and always look presentable. I now take the view that DH's clothes are his own affair.
Having a dog is a lot of extra work. If you need to hoover everyday, can that be DH's job? Or could you get a robot hoover?
Aim to get most of the vital things done while the kids are up, so that your childfree time is not taken up doing chores. They can "help" to keep them occupied.. the baby can go in the high chair or playpen. Older child can read to the baby, thus having reading practice while keeping the baby entertained. If you don't have a playpen, use a travel cot.

I'd question why, on top of having 2 small children and working almost fulltime around DH's shifts, you have decided to study as well, and take on the dog.

I can tell you that having brought up my 3 DC while working school hours ( but no holidays off) and managing around DH's shifts, that I would have really struggled with anything else thrown into the mix. Don't downplay the difficulties that shift work causes. It's not nothing, it puts a lot more work on you and you feel you can't complain because poor DH is working those unsociable hours. Do you have to try to keep the DC quiet when DH is sleeping off a night shift? I ask because you don't mention it, but I know it fetters what you can do and is something that piles on more stress.
I think DH needs to pick up a bit more responsibility.. if he has free time when he isn't working or sleeping, so should you. If he gets to sleep for unbroken periods of time, so should you.
Start thinking how you can time things so that you get to do what you need to..eg start running a bath for yourself as soon as you finish putting DC to bed, or even before, if DH is doing bedtime.
Order the shopping online, to arrive at a time when DH is home. Meal plan before you shop, put up the plan somewhere obvious so that DH can start on dinner if you are not available. Eat with the DC, thus cutting down on 2 lots of clearing up.
Managing a baby and an older child and working and looking after a dog and studying is more than a lot of people could manage

You have a lot on your Plate for sure.i think maybe a Robot hoover? Dishwasher, tumble dryer.Also DH to maybe help as well when he can.i don't iron at all and haven't for years. DD nearly pulled iron on her head as a baby! Maybe some of those farmhouse meals?Study with small DC is difficult too .sometimes something has to give.you need down time to decompress

OP… nobody needs to vacuum twice a day even with a dog. Every other day is fine… even once a week.

Also ironing is not a necessity. It’s just not.

Make dinner for everyone all at once.

Sort out the kids waking for one. Getting a proper night sleep will help.

Let the baby feed himself.

Get rid of as much stuff as you can, less to tidy.

Your husband doesn’t ‘help’

It’s his responsibility too.

So many uses of the word ‘help’ It’s not helping. She’s not default cook / cleaner / parent etc.

To those pointing the word “help”, I understand it is as much as his job as mine, we help each other, its just the word.

to those saying he can do things on night shifts, he really cant, its not only 12 hrs job, its the travel, the getting ready before job etc so he doesnt technically have 4hrs free after sleeping 8 hours. He comes home from work, changes and is downstairs with me straight away helping, and then usually do pile of dishes from the whole day when i clean something else (after we both put them to sleep, both very often but at the moment they are in mummy’s phase and sometimes its just me but even then he isnt just downstairs watching tv while i am upstairs putting both to sleep), on his day shift he is gone before they wake up, so i handle them by myself, after a night shift he sometimes stay with the baby so i can get ready and shower before work and then he goes to sleep. He wakes up not long after we are back and start getting ready for work, usually have 10 mins for them, mainly older boy who wants his attention little bit.

when we are both done he has dinner and usually watches something and i study, but its late and i am tired.

i will try to put even more on him when he is off while we are at work/school/childminder, sure, we can try.

there are some good suggestions here and will try to implement them, and hats off to everyone who is currently going through the same thing!

You mentioned "doing a pile of dishes". Do you have a dishwasher? If not, then get one ASAP.

Agree with those saying that your husband needs to do more on his days off. He could blitz the house and prepare a few dinners for when he's working and still have plenty of time to rest.