I am so so tired, overwhelmed, behind everything, i want to scream

[RealReginaPhalange]

Mom of two boys. Reception and almost 1 year old, went back to work (little more than part time, 3/4 i would say) month ago. He goes to childminder. I am so so tired and busy and overwhelmed. How do people do it? We have no one to help, no one, friends away, no family (we are from overseas) so its just me, DH, kids and a dog.

DH works long hours, 2 day shifts, 2 nights and then off. He helps when he is home (after work and on days off, no help when he is on nights).
its endless cooking, cleaning, toys everywhere, laundry, ironing, older boy’s homework, baths, groceries, putting to sleep, both wakes up at night few times, one or another always up very early. The morning rush to get them out of the door on time, occasionally breakfast club for the older one, then gotta drop the baby off, then straight to work, work is busy, then back to get one boy, second one, then home, around 3 hours before bedtime, running like a headless chicken and finally, they asleep. Its usually around 8pm when both are down, kitchen is a mess, floor has to be hoovered because of the dog, oh i would like to eat smth too! Usually everything is done and ready for the next day by 9pm…but then i decided to continue my acca studies! I am tired, overwhelmed and have to study?! I really really try…its not going well and i have an exam in 4 weeks now, i failed first attempt in december.

DH helps along when he is home so yeah, not “all on me”…although boys are all over me and in a “mummy phase” I barely can do anything by myself.

not to mention..havent shaved my legs in 3 weeks, would love to take care of my nails, put a face mask on, start getting on track and do little bit of exercises as i have 25kg to loose at this point.

yes i know there are single mothers, or many other families just like this with more than 2 kids, but oh boy i am so so struggling with fitting everything in a day. Send help😫

Definitely need a dishwasher (if space is a problem get a counter-top one and put it on more often).
Time to be brutal with your accounting. Look at every last penny you spend, especially on regular things (TV-type subscriptions; gym memberships and so on). Ditch absolutely everything that isn't essential in order to free up some money to buy in some help.

Stop ironing

Ironing?! Knock that on the head for a start.

Lower standards or get a cleaner.

Groceries delivered.

Eat with DC. DH can fend for himself or reheat if his shifts make it difficult.

Can you combine anything ?
I'm thinking walk the dog to the local park and let the older boy have a kick around which the baby gets some fresh air. That kind of thing?

I have been there with a 12 hour shift DH.

I understand when he is at work, the pattern makes his support a write off.

There are loads of good solutions posted already, dishwasher, hoover less, get your excercise from a daily dog walk, etc.

I'd create 2 routines,

The bare min needed to survive the 12 hour shifts (eat sleep work)

And one for when DH is off, ( cleaning, batch cook, preparing for shift period, studies) split between you and DH.

Good luck!

Is there wrap around at school? Obviously cost dependent as well but could you use after school one day a week to get on top of a few things? Also reception children do not need to do home work, don’t care what anyone says 🤪

So many good suggestions up thread.

Ironing is a no unless you work somewhere you need to be smart. As you replace clothes, buy ones which don't need to be ironed.

I've just bought a robot hoover from Lidl (£95) and it's better than me! It could trundle about when everyone is out of the house if the dog sheds so much. Although .....is that just your perception? We have 2 cats and a dog, one cat is incredibly fluffy and white so lots of visible hair and I only hoover once a week (until robot hoover arrived!). Yes there was fur and fluff about the house but it only really matters if it bothers you, can you ignore it?

I tried to study when my DC were young, not a chance. I had a complete meltdown down before an exam and jacked the whole thing. At the time I was pausing it but just never went back. Unless it's a thing you have to do for work, do you need to do it now? Can you do some study in work time if it benefits them?

Meal plan, batch cook, same meals on repeat, give baby finger foods he can get on with while you are doing something.

It will get better but you need to cut yourself some slack, it's impossible to do everything no matter your circumstances.

You need to streamline some of the processes

No ironing, you really shouldnt be ironing children's clothing, its not necessary
The way you hang your washing should get out most of your creases in your clothes with a big shake, put them on hangers if they're tops so that they hang right and put them away in the wardrobe not scrunched up in a laundry basket, then they'll be wearable and acceptable

Do one pot meals, dont mess about with lots of pots and pans and dishes

Reuse cups and plates throughout the day, rinse it, wipe with the tea towel and put the new food or drink on it.

Order online shopping, once per week, when its run out, its run out or send your husband out for the extras

Eat together, use tray bakes in the oven, the kids eat at the time they eat, you can eat your bit then or later depending on your routine but dont cook separate things, by pre pepared veg, throw it on with some potatoes and oil, the protein of your choice and change it daily with the seasonings you put on and the different veg.

With the study - I take my hat off to you, I can see why you want to get it done but I could not with kids that age. If you’re determined - ring fence time out of the house for study. Focus on question practice and work to a tight schedule for coverage

for the exam in two weeks make this a priority for now. Passing is efficient, it’s worthy throwing a lot at it (which one is it?)

at home - husband needs to batch cook when he’s not working
groceries delivered
prioritize sleep. Multiple wakings can be gently tackled and this might be a job for dh. They want you. Giving them
what they want encourages it.

this is really hard. You’re doing amazingly.

Do you have to do the qualification right now or could you postpone?

Wow. I was just trying to "help" the OP. Seems a weird thing to get riled up about. I'd also suggest posts such as that just distract from the OPs issue rather than helping.

Plus, there is such a thing in relationships as helping each other.

I should know (being a lone parent whom nobody ever helps!).

It feels hard because it IS hard, it’s not you being a wimp.

This is life with small kids for working parents, unfortunately.

I have put off additional, outside of work development until I have the energy. DH cut back on overtime until he had the energy to do it and I was able to handle things more easily at home. If you're failing exams and it's not going well, defer the studies until the kids are more independent. It's a waste of your time (and money if you're paying for it) if you can't commit to it.

I can't justify a cleaner either, but online shops, booked well in advance are brilliant because it just arrives and it's one thing I don't have to think about. We eat a lot of the same meals on rotation and it's things like pasta, curry, stew etc so I can do one massive batch and then eat from the freezer for a couple of weeks. Takes no more time to prep and saves time.

Finally, know it's not forever. Feels never ending, but they will get bigger, need you a bit less, be able to play independently while you study/cook etc.

Thank you 🥹 the acknowledgment is sometimes more than enough

Thank you all for nice words, advices and just a pep talk. I was really having a “thats it, enough” day and wanted to run away🙄

in regards to studies, company pays for it so i am not out of pocket but it does feel like an obligation although they dont push and my job does not depend on it. The exam for march is already booked and i have 4 weeks, i was only few points away in december, i just need to try again and push myself this month but yes, after that i might need to postpone it for a year or two.

meals for baby are tricky as he is still too little for salt and i dont use it at all for him, also even though i use majority of the same ingredients while making it for us it is still completely different meal, i dont fry it the same way, its in a separate pot (maybe OTT but if i need to choose i wont hoover or mop but will cook for him properly, from sctrach, age appropriate)

i dont take care of the dog to be fair, i only feed her when dh has a night shift and let her out in the garden, i dont do walks with her, dont clean up her poo in the garden, dont do any grooming or nothing at all to be fair with you, my husband was more keen on a dog and i have to give it to him that he doesn’t put any responsibilities on me

some suggestions are great and i will implement them asap

i also will try to be nicer to myself and cut myself some slack🙏🏻

I know this won’t be helpful but the chose is to either just survive or get a cleaner a few times a month. That is what we did. Those early years are just awful and horrid.

You really dont need to cook separately for him, just make all your food to suit him and just add things on the table for the rest of you when serving, salt, sauces etc etc

Batch cook it all up and freeze.

Things I did to survive when I was in this phase:

• a lot of sandwiches with crudites and crisps for meals
• massive slow cooker reliance, as a break from sandwiches - a chicken thigh curry always comes out well, as does pulled pork/beef brisket
• didn't iron a single goddamn thing
• milk delivered plus a big box of fruit and veg from local greengrocers - I pretty much had the same order every week or two
• bought a shedload of bday cards, stamps, roll wrap and sellotape to have in stock (present box also useful if you have the room/resources)
• blackboard/whiteboard for the kitchen so everyone can see reminders/lists
• shared phone calendar with annual reminders three weeks ahead of insurance renewals, MOT dates etc
• took photos of things like party invitations/letters from preschool etc and put them in an album shared with husband, for ref (not such an issue now as so much comes digitally)
• had two zipped pouches that came everywhere with me/moved between bags - basic first aid stuff, and long-life snacks
• laundry pens for naming clothes - much quicker and easier than stickers and the like, get several!!
• generally I lowered my standards and ambitions - I promise you'll come out the other side!!

Also, find your local uniform bank/swap shop and get larger uniform stuff in stock in a drawer somewhere now if you have the space.

Buy lots of cheap birthday candles for cakes.

Buy lots of cheap magic gloves and keep them everywhere.

Just thought of another thing that made a big diff - buying a cheap second-hand freezer for the shed meant we always had bread and milk in for emergencies, and could batch cook in bigger quantities.

@NeededANameChangeAnyway I didn't know Lidl had one in, I've been looking at them on Amazon but my house is quite small and not what you'd call minimalist...I just feel like I'd spend a lot of time moving things out of its way 😁

Ironing?! Nobody does that anymore. So stop that right away. You need to lower your standard re the house. It will get easier as the children get a bit older. But it's bloody hard. Does the dog ever get walked?

There are elements of your posts that make me feel you’re standards are still way too unforgiving
Ironing? A HARD no. Either put away the worst offenders creasing wise or get used to a rumpled look.
Hoovering twice a DAY? Come on now! I have two large breed shedding dogs and I don’t do anywhere near that much vacuuming.
Exams plus job,kids,DH on shifts……something has to give and right now it’s looking like it’s your sanity if you keep this pace up.
Tough love time…..you matter more than the bloody ironing woman! Drop your standards and prioritise your own wellbeing

Buy in help. You’re doing too much.
i think either the job or study is ambitious with two young children and basically being a single parent!!!!