Dads and contact with kids at uni

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Not really an AIBU but i didnt know where to put it.

I spoke to my DS today, he is in his first year at uni and we have a good relationship. He usually calls me once or twice a week and we message maybe a couple of other times a week.

He mentioned on the phone that his dad hasnt messaged him once since he went back after christmas over 3 weeks ago. DS doesnt have the best relationship with his dad and said he wasnt going to make the effort if his dad wasnt so he hasnt messaged him either.

This blows my mind as i couldnt imagine not checking in with my kids at least once a week with a quick message. I rarely call my kids as i know they are busy so i let them call me when they want to, but i definitely wouldnt go weeks without making contact on whatsapp.

I wish i could say something to DS dad but we are currently living together but going through divorce so i dont want to cause an argument.

Would you say this is normal for men not to be in touch with kids at uni? Or do dads generally keep in contact too? I dont know if its just a dad thing or because they have a crap relationship.

I am worried when we are no longer living together they just wont have any contact. My son said he wasnt bothered about the no contact but sounded sad about it. He has got very upset in the past about his dad being a crap father figure which to be fair he has been.

I dont think I can do anything about this situation but it just seems so sad and alien to me as a mum. Even if i had a difficult relationship with my child i couldnt go weeks without checking in on them via whatsapp.

You can say something to him. Just say: DS mentioned you haven't contacted him since he went back to uni. See if that jogs him.

Leave it there, Not your job to encourage him to be a good dad and get in touch. But for DS's sake, I'd at least mention that, if you are still living together.

My DH is useless at keeping in contact with anyone - his DM, me (if he's away from home) but does have some contact with both DC while they are away at uni. I don't know that it would be more than every few weeks though, and then it would usually only be about something specific - re the football or something he thought they'd like on TV. I don't think it would occur to him to message just to check in, whereas I am in more regular contact, even if not necessarily each week - although I would have been when they were first years. I would just casually say to STBExH 'have you heard from DS recently' or similar, so it doesn't sound accusatory, but you can't force them to have a better relationship. Although fwiw, my DH and eldest DC get on much better now than they did at 18, so it might change.

My DH contacts our Uni kids more than I do. He stayed home with them so it’s been harder for him to let go and not see them as children.

I will send them a meme or photo when I see something that I think they’d like.

I don’t see the point of checking on them weekly. They’re adults and know I will answer whenever they call and am always there to help them.

Thank you both i think mentioning it casually is the way to go. Hopefully things will improve between them over time.

I would leave them to it. Your DS already has the measure of his dad; he is just feeling the lack of interest and support in a new situation. Just sympathise with him, validate his hurt, and continue to show him you're there for him.

Stay out of it. Their relationship is their relationship. If you involve yourself, when there’s (the inevitable) conflict, YOU will be cited.

Look after your own relationship with your DS, and leave them to theirs. 🩵

I wouldn’t mention it.

Your DS has realised his dad is a crap dad. He’s making peace with it. You prompting crap dad to send a half arsed message just makes it a bit more drawn out, confusing and difficult for your DS.

Presumably you’re divorcing this turd for good reason.

@SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice thats interesting maybe its a primary carer thing and letting go. Although with my son we just have a very similar sense of humour so often send things we know the other will find funny in the same way you might do with a friend. A few messages doesnt really hold him back from living his life or stop me from letting him go. He does tend to contact me more than i contact him so its rare we have a week without contact. I just wouldnt want to go several weeks without any contact at all at 18.

We have family WhatsApp group with DS and separate ones too. I usually communicate on the family one. If it is anything about cars DS will communicate with DH on their separate chat. There is usually daily communication from all of us, but might just be one word/emoji from DS on some days!

It is between him and his dad it is none of your business

My ex was the same , took DD back to uni once , nipped in to use the loo before he went straight back , didn’t ask to have a look round , see her room, nothing . He couldn’t tell you the name of her best friend there , how she spent her spare time etc . A year after she left he asked her how uni was , she answered ‘ I invited you to my graduation dad ‘ . Absolute idiot . Some men are just crap

But he must have made some effort with you to keep in contact at some point? Or does he stop bothering when he doesnt need to

Is your son messaging his dad, who doesn't respond? Or is he just waiting for his dad to contact him?

I was very aware that going to uni was all about independence. I used to resent having to call my mum every week (down to me as there were no mobile phones then, just a call box in the halls). So when my DDs went to uni, I didn't want them to feel that pressure. So (and to be fair, this was before WhatsApp) I said that I wouldn't be pestering them for contact, but that I'd always be pleased to hear from them.

Maybe his dad is also not wanting to intrude on his son's new life.

My DH and middle DD are the same, I don’t think he would ever message her to ask how she is and never asks after her. I speak to her a couple of times a week. He struggles with her and they don’t have the best relationship, which is different to my other two DD’s, makes me very sad. BUT if she needed something he would be there and she knows that.

We seperated when he was a baby, but DS has a very basic, barely there, relationship with his Dad. He saw him today for a couple of hours, last saw him last Easter. Think, or hope, his Dad at least messages him once a week.

Taking that pressure of them @saraclara, how frequently did they make contact?

That's a good question! But it's almost two decades ago, so I can't really remember. I don't think there was a pattern, really. But it wasn't as often as weekly.

Now, in the days of family WhatsApps, it would probably be different though.

My dh is like a pp and only contacts anyone when he either wants to tell them something specific or wants something. Our kids have all left home now and one has mh issues so I am in touch quite a bit, dd comes for tea usually on a Saturday and other ds I ring every Friday and we chat for about an hour. Dh did hear me on the phone to him once and said "I wouldn't have thought to tell him that" but me and son like a gossip and dh doesn't really.
They do all have a good relationship BTW.

I would stay out of it. They’re both adults and their relationship is between them.
My DS is in his second year at uni. I’ve moved him into halls then out again and then into his long term flat. I’ve been to visit regularly and we speak weekly and message regularly in between. When he’s home he lives with me. We’ve always been close but I’m conscious not to bombard him as he has his own life.
His dad has never been to visit and I know they don’t phone each other and rarely text. But when he’s home from uni they have a good relationship. He always asks his dad for car and financial advice and that’s the majority of their conversations. They don’t chat much but they’re both ok with it.
You can’t force a relationship, they have to figure it out themselves.

My dad barely bothers to message me - if I do send him a message, I'll get a one/two word answer or a thumbs up, so mostly I don't bother.

It's not personal, he just doesn't communicate well with anyone unless they're with him in person. He's autistic and very good at compartmentalising, so mostly he doesn't think about you much unless you're there for him to see.

It used to really upset me but nowadays I just ignore it - we get on well in person so I've just accepted that's how our relationship is.

I make and receive the phone calls but will pass the phone to my H for a chat as well if he’s around.

He’s more likely to send a joke or a photo or video than a proper message though he’ll join in with chat that someone else has initiated.

The conversations that they do have independently of me are usually to do with plumbing emergencies or similar!

I put YABU only because you suggest it might be "a dad thing". It isn't. It's a thing that your STBExH does (or rather doesn't do).
Personally I'm in regular and frequent contact with my adult kids, as is their mum (we split a long time ago). So no, it really isn't "a dad thing". It's your kid's father, as an individual. It's a 'him' thing.

I just didn’t want to pester them when I know Uni is a very busy time of their lives. I always respond when they contact me and I occasionally send a meme or a link to an interesting article if I haven’t heard from them in several weeks so they know I haven’t forgotten them!

Yep, my relationship is good with my adult DCs. Can still be close and have a good relationship with a lower frequency of talking and messaging than the OP does.

Yes i totally get that. And to be fair thats the reason i dont usually call the kids and let them call me when they want to as i feel a phone call is more intrusive of busy lives and independance than whatsapp.