Dads and contact with kids at uni

[lostntranslation]

Not really an AIBU but i didnt know where to put it.

I spoke to my DS today, he is in his first year at uni and we have a good relationship. He usually calls me once or twice a week and we message maybe a couple of other times a week.

He mentioned on the phone that his dad hasnt messaged him once since he went back after christmas over 3 weeks ago. DS doesnt have the best relationship with his dad and said he wasnt going to make the effort if his dad wasnt so he hasnt messaged him either.

This blows my mind as i couldnt imagine not checking in with my kids at least once a week with a quick message. I rarely call my kids as i know they are busy so i let them call me when they want to, but i definitely wouldnt go weeks without making contact on whatsapp.

I wish i could say something to DS dad but we are currently living together but going through divorce so i dont want to cause an argument.

Would you say this is normal for men not to be in touch with kids at uni? Or do dads generally keep in contact too? I dont know if its just a dad thing or because they have a crap relationship.

I am worried when we are no longer living together they just wont have any contact. My son said he wasnt bothered about the no contact but sounded sad about it. He has got very upset in the past about his dad being a crap father figure which to be fair he has been.

I dont think I can do anything about this situation but it just seems so sad and alien to me as a mum. Even if i had a difficult relationship with my child i couldnt go weeks without checking in on them via whatsapp.

I definitely didn't speak to either of my parents weekly when I was at uni, maybe the first couple of weeks but not after that. Term goes very quickly. I have a great relationship with both of my parents. He's an adult and so is his father is their relationship to navigate not yours.

If he mentions it and its ok to let his Dad know then just say to his Dad. But I don't think this is on you, you can't manage everyone.
My daughter grew up with her Dad being sporadic, he would argue and he's not trying to that he was there when he needed to be and wasn't intrusive.

I think a lot of men aren’t great with communication all round. ExH never did any uni drop offs or pickups, DCs always assumed I would. They don’t see much of him now.

You are splitting up with this man and I think part of this thread is because you want to hear that, yes, he's a bit of a crap dad. Which it sounds like he might be.

But his relationship with his son is his to negotiate and it's for your son to either handle it or give up on it.

I think i have got my answers here. I am definitely not questioning if he is a crap dad as he has proved that many times. I guess i was unsure if it was to a certain extent normal less contact from men and also if i should be trying to give them a nudge in order to try and repair the relationship.

The things i have learned from this thread is that amount or lack of contact hasnt really got much bearing on how good the relationship is.

Clearly some relationships are crap and have little contact but equally there are also good relationships with less contact whilst away from each other.

And also overwhelmingly the message is that I should not be getting involed and just let it play out as it naturally will. I will definitely take that on board. Thanks for everyones input.