NC and long to not drip feed. I am not the “be gentle” type, so go for it.
Being with DH since 2019, moved in together in 2022 (to his place but I own mine and we chose that one as we wanted to settle in his area), married 2023, baby 2024, house 2025. I am not from the country we live in, he is (I moved here and met him).
When we lived together his parents barely showed up (it is a small apartment so we barely hosted friends), my husband stopped by their place a couple of times a week after work, all chill. The house we bought just needed cosmetic work, like changing lamps, paint, I wanted a doorbell with camera, etc. My FIL loves DYI and he is very good so he has taken upon himself to do those things, or help DH with them. He wanted to put wallpaper in our master bedroom (the rest of the house was painted by a company) and he did a great job. We bought him a watch. I was recently back to work after mat leave when we moved to the house so I was WFH often while DD was with her nanny in another floor, several times while I was in calls FIL showed up to prep for things he wanted to do, pick up tools he left…he has a key and just used it. I told DH several times I don’t like him coming unannounced (other times we have been both at work and I would get a notification from the camera that he was getting at our house). Last time we were in the kitchen and I was clearly uncomfortable (no makeup, messy hair and I have burn in the overlip I am treating and I use make up for, so I am little conscious about it). After that he didn’t come anymore but the relationship has been OK, we go to their house I always ask DH to give them a heads up. MIL has had some health issues since around the time we found the house and she was a little difficult patient so doing this bits was also good for FIL (but he has his hobbies, friends…). Truth be told he doesn’t stay to hang out too long, he does his things, has a coffee maybe…so not come in the morning and cannot be kicked out until the evening kind of visit.
The thing is I just don’t like him or anyone come without me/us knowing. We were visiting my family and I had ordered some things that with the Xmas timing came while we were away so he was extremely helpful in coming to get them in the house so they wouldn’t be at our door for days. But since then he has taken again to the coming around for small bits. He has come today, DH was not even here, only because he understood yesterday that they might do something (he has surgery next week and he is worried he won’t recover fast and won’t be able to help with that bit). I got very mad with DH because he just rang and used the key. DH keeps saying it’s a misunderstanding from their conversation yesterday and my point is no one should use the key and come unannounced, you call 30 minutes before (they live 3 min drive from us) to check whatever plan you thought you had is still working. I feel very disrespected and DH feels it’s not a big deal, he keeps explaining why it’s no so bad (misunderstanding, they are old,…). I am fuming and I am thinking to divorce because this is a boundary and now I feel like I was during those weeks, stressed because he might just come and open the door. On the other hand I feel very ungrateful because thy help us a lot but my thinking is you either accept help asked or you offer help and wait to be accepted or not, but they impose helping and I just don’t like that. AIBU?