Being mad for FIL showing up at home unannounced

[NCCamelliaNC]

NC and long to not drip feed. I am not the “be gentle” type, so go for it.

Being with DH since 2019, moved in together in 2022 (to his place but I own mine and we chose that one as we wanted to settle in his area), married 2023, baby 2024, house 2025. I am not from the country we live in, he is (I moved here and met him).

When we lived together his parents barely showed up (it is a small apartment so we barely hosted friends), my husband stopped by their place a couple of times a week after work, all chill. The house we bought just needed cosmetic work, like changing lamps, paint, I wanted a doorbell with camera, etc. My FIL loves DYI and he is very good so he has taken upon himself to do those things, or help DH with them. He wanted to put wallpaper in our master bedroom (the rest of the house was painted by a company) and he did a great job. We bought him a watch. I was recently back to work after mat leave when we moved to the house so I was WFH often while DD was with her nanny in another floor, several times while I was in calls FIL showed up to prep for things he wanted to do, pick up tools he left…he has a key and just used it. I told DH several times I don’t like him coming unannounced (other times we have been both at work and I would get a notification from the camera that he was getting at our house). Last time we were in the kitchen and I was clearly uncomfortable (no makeup, messy hair and I have burn in the overlip I am treating and I use make up for, so I am little conscious about it). After that he didn’t come anymore but the relationship has been OK, we go to their house I always ask DH to give them a heads up. MIL has had some health issues since around the time we found the house and she was a little difficult patient so doing this bits was also good for FIL (but he has his hobbies, friends…). Truth be told he doesn’t stay to hang out too long, he does his things, has a coffee maybe…so not come in the morning and cannot be kicked out until the evening kind of visit.

The thing is I just don’t like him or anyone come without me/us knowing. We were visiting my family and I had ordered some things that with the Xmas timing came while we were away so he was extremely helpful in coming to get them in the house so they wouldn’t be at our door for days. But since then he has taken again to the coming around for small bits. He has come today, DH was not even here, only because he understood yesterday that they might do something (he has surgery next week and he is worried he won’t recover fast and won’t be able to help with that bit). I got very mad with DH because he just rang and used the key. DH keeps saying it’s a misunderstanding from their conversation yesterday and my point is no one should use the key and come unannounced, you call 30 minutes before (they live 3 min drive from us) to check whatever plan you thought you had is still working. I feel very disrespected and DH feels it’s not a big deal, he keeps explaining why it’s no so bad (misunderstanding, they are old,…). I am fuming and I am thinking to divorce because this is a boundary and now I feel like I was during those weeks, stressed because he might just come and open the door. On the other hand I feel very ungrateful because thy help us a lot but my thinking is you either accept help asked or you offer help and wait to be accepted or not, but they impose helping and I just don’t like that. AIBU?

Divorce? You sound batshit.

Wow! The way you talk about your husband’s FATHER and your child’s grandfather is so shocking to me.

Also he has done you a shit ton of favours that would cost you a lot of money if you got tradespeople in.

This is your husband’s father. I am 99% sure he doesn't care whether you have make up on or not.

Do you value family bonds at all?

Youre being silly talking about divorce. This wouldn't bother me one bit.

Divorcing over that would be an act of insanity. I really wouldn't like someone letting themselves in with a key either but I would just put a lock on the door so they couldn't and be 'in the bath' if they knocked having arrived without pre-arrangement and that would be the end of it..

I don’t understand why you don’t just have a conversation with him. "FIL, we are so grateful for all the things you do to help us. You’ve been so generous with your time and we really appreciate it. But it makes me very uncomfortable when you walk into our home without knocking or giving us any warning that you are coming. It makes me in edge all the time and is spoiling my pleasure in my home. Please let us know beforehand, in future, and knock rather than just let yourself in. Thank you." Then if he doesn’t do as you asked, remind him a couple of times then ask for the key back. If he stops doing stuff for you, you’ll have to manage without him.

But if this is enough to make you consider divorce, you can’t be very fond of your husband!

You are thinking to divorce because your FIL popped in while you had no make up on? You sound incredibly high maintenance I‘m afraid. If it bothers you so much then as advised, have a polite chat about it. But you are pretty unreasonable. You accept all this free help but you expect him to behave like a paid tradesman rather than your FIL.

Put a chain on the door if it’s that upsetting or simply speak to him and say it gives you a fright when you’re here on your own and could he just text beforehand or something. But no one is interested in whether you have make-up on or not in your own home.

Divorce is nuts, so maybe figure out what the actual issue is as it can’t be a man who has done so much for you very occasionally popping around.

I agree with this.

It's a bit convenient that the OP has described all this man's help around her home as 'taking it upon himself' to do.

The locks need to be changed, don't give him a key and stop using him for free/cheap labour.

If you want to live independently in your own home, stop blurring the boundaries.

I feel your pain. I’m currently on mat leave and my PIL will just turn up about once a fortnight. He isn’t coming to help or do jobs, he just wants cuddles with the baby. I have no issue with him spending time with our baby, he’s his grandfather after all, but I DESPISE how he just rocks up unannounced. A few times he’s been when the baby is asleep and he seems
disappointed that he can’t have cuddles, and I always say “well if you’d rang and arranged a visit properly I would’ve told you when he was due a nap.” Other times he comes when I’ve been out and he rings me to ask where I am and says he’s at our house and I’m like “well…sorry?” My partner has told him a few times not to do this but it seems to go in one ear and out the other.

Sounds like its all your way or no way.

Barking mad to say this.

He's family. YABU.

What if it was YOUR father? Would you feel the same?

This- you don't mind his help but want to divorce your DH over that, you are batshit.

If the Nanny is in the house you’re not likely to be swinging from a light fitting in your thong and as long as he’s not noisily disrupting your work or expecting to be ‘hosted’ I think you sound entitled and ungrateful. Trust me when I tell you, there are much worse FIL’s out there 🙄

If your home leave your key in the lock so FIL can't get in. If he comes when you're not home your ring doorbell will notify you so you could speak to him through it saying you're not home at the moment can he come back at xxx time or ring later to arrange a suitable time. If you feel comfortable having a gentle chat with FIL remind him that you WFH so may be on a call & need privacy so if he can call before he comes so you can plan your day leaving a space in your diary for while he's there, like your lunch break or when you've finished work.

You should definitely ask for a divorce.

That, we have one that we just lock at night or when we are going out for extra security or even get a simple bolt or chain inside so he can't just walk in.