How would you split this cost?

[FunnyOrca]

My grandmother is turning 100 (hopefully 🤞) and the family want to mark the occasion. Obviously Grandma won’t be paying; it’s a surprise. The plan seems to be a country house hotel function room with catering. Some people will need to stay over.

The trouble is historically, her eldest son has paid for everything (80th, 90th, family holidays, days out when kids were younger, meals out etc.). Due to the nature of the grandchildren growing up, this will be the first time the whole family will be together since her 90th and nearly all of the great-grandchildren have never been included before. Her son is now retired and is being out-earned by at least two of the grandchildren. “His side” of the family is also smaller. I don’t think he should pay and he has said as much. How would you split it?

Son and spouse (accommodation)

Grandchild, spouse and baby (accommodation)

Grandchild and baby (accommodation) (on a budget)

Daughter and spouse (on a budget)

Grandchild and 2 teenagers (on a budget)

Grandchild, spouse and 6 children (11-2)

Grandchild, spouse and baby (accommodation)

Grandchild and partner (accommodation) (no idea of financials)

I would also split per head. And let anyone pay extra if they want. As PP said my dad would also often pay for me, my brother and his family, my auntie for their children etc. But thats up to the parent.
If its not feasible for some people to pay for themselves then maybe you need to look for a cheaper option. People shouldn't agree to an expensive meal expecting someone else, who has said they dont want to pay, to pay

Accommodation split by room on those using it.
Food on a pp basis.

If anyone wants to be generous they can kick in a few hundred which is taken off the top on tje accommodation.

Eg. House costs £2k and has 10 rooms wealthy....wealthy member kicks in £500
Room cost goes from £200 a room to £150.

Any donation should sub accommodation guests only not food / day guests.

Granny's costs are split by all adults attending

At most I would do the smaller children as half price

The trouble is historically, her eldest son has paid for everything (80th, 90th, family holidays, days out when kids were younger, meals out etc.).
Mos grandma has two children-son and daughter, who now have their own kids/grandkids?

Historically the son has paid for everything on days out with the daughter and her kids?! Why has she never put her hand in her pocket?

I think nothing should be booked until a proper conversation has been had. A party and accommodation for this many in a country hotel will be hundreds (could be thousands). Are people only going because they assume the son is paying?

Are these families on a budget able to spend hundreds on this? Do they know they're expected to?

Pay per head for the food. Grandchild with 6 kids may be paying more for dinner, but there are more of them and they are not on a budget. Others requiring accommodation will likely still be paying more overall so it evens out.

Tbh I think if you're hosting a party then you're hosting a party.

I would never arrange a big birthday celebration and ask for costs.

In this situation I'd either suck up the cost or do something way pared back. Invite granny out to something affordable for the small group. It doesn't have to be huge.

Also, yes the daughter is expecting the son to foot the whole bill.

Do all of her 'side' of the family think this as well?

Will her side even come if they actually had to pay for themselves?

Who suggested the country hotel?

It feels like a waste of time discussing this without making people aware of finances first as they might all pull out.

I'd start a WhatsApp group for everyone.

'Obviously now Uncle Andrew has retired, he won't be footing the bill so the prices are looking at x per adult for the country house party/grandma's share. If you want to stay over, it's x per room. I know that's on the pricey side, can you let me know if you are up for that or if you think a local buffet type meal would be better instead?'

Tbh I think if you're hosting a party then you're hosting a party.

It sounds like the family are arranging a party rather than hosting it.

Everyone pays for their own families, ie per head, with Granny being split between all adults. In our family though, son and daughter would cover cost of Granny, and not ask grandchildren to cover this. Depending on the overall cost, they might also pay for the whole of their side of the family.

But it really depends on who's organising, who chose the venue, how expensive it is, and what the financial situation is for each family.

It could work out very expensive for some of the families, and I guess you run the risk of them saying that they won't bother coming if it's very expensive.

I totally get why the son doesn't want to pay for everyone, despite earlier events that he has paid for, but it's difficult if he's the one setting the budget.

If there's any question the budget is high, especially for the family of 8, then perhaps he could chip in a sizeable chunk, and ask for a reduced amount from everyone else. Or choose a venue that is more within budget for the lower earning/larger families. To be fair, it's always going to be expensive for the family of 8, no matter what they do.

Appreciate this and understand how you intend it. The “hopefully” was a reference to my other grandmother who died suddenly at 98 without a single declared wish for the funeral but a fully planned 100th birthday party.

This grandmother is actually in excellent health and thrives on being around the little ones. The place is a 20 minute drive for her (obviously not driving herself!) and will just be the family. She bemoans at length that we never get together. I think she knows there is a ‘do’ but not the specifics.

Daughter did choose the venue, but its location is near the grandma. The choice of venue is supported by the son and his wife. Grandma does not like to travel far at all anymore.

EDIT posted too soon! Daughter wants to split the cost in half between the two of them.

The Daughter is a CF! her brother has funded all family get togethers for years yet she has the substantially larger family! Even before GC has spouses and their own children the DD family was around twice soze of the Sons yet he was paying everything? Utterly a cheeky fuckery on the DD’s part. To think her brother should be paying half whrn he’s got hardly anyone attending compared to her side is CF.

Each family unit pays their own per head cost for meal etc (although I’d be seriously speaking to the hotel for a much lower rate/menu for the chilsren!). If either of the GCs own parebts want to contribute o their costs that a private arrangement in that family grouping (so Daughter/Sister shells out to help her own children and doesn’t expect their uncle to pay!)

The 100 year olds cost should be split between her two chilsren the daughter and son. This is low anyway surely.

accommodation is paid for by those using it directly.

I don’t understand why you are making this sound complicated…

You know the price per head that needs to be paid. Grandchildren pay for their own families and children pay for them and parter plus any dependents if they still have any. If any grandchildren are struggling with the costs they can talk to their parents and that’s their business. If DS or DD decide to help out their own children in anyway that’s up to them and none of the other side of the family’s business.

I don’t see what the family of 6 “over a third are being brought by one grandchild” is an issue other than you don’t like them. It’s not like they are taking someone else’s place and if they pay themselves what is the problem?

EDIT posted too soon! Daughter wants to split the cost in half between the two of them.

I thought you said that the daughter was expecting her brother to pay for it all?