Partner’s drug use and lies

[Dixie81]

He uses drugs but I won’t say which types to avoid outing myself here. It’s not all the time but he becomes a horrible person when he’s using and for a while after. It got so bad that we broke up but after months of relationship counselling we got back together but still do not live together full time. He agreed to be honest about his drug use in future.

He has never kept to this agreement. I’ve caught him out lying an lot and I can’t understand why. He knows I won’t dump him over the drugs but I just want to avoid him during those drug binges. Is that too much to ask? I can’t get my head around why he won’t tell the truth. When I ask him why he just says ‘I don’t know’. it makes no sense.

He is a great guy when he’s not using so I won’t break up with him and I’ve told him that but it’s the lack of respect and honesty that upsets me. It’s only occasional. It’s not like he’s using drugs every day and he doesn’t want me around when he’s using anyway so why doesn’t he just tell me?

It's shit, coming to the realisation that there is no respect or care about your concerns. He's completely dismissive of them and minimising them. I think you've tolerated more than enough.

I guess your choice now is what to do going forward. You can see he completely disrespects you. He's shown you his hand - in the same way that XH showed me his. What will you do about that? If he's lying and minimising about this most basic thing (and I'm not saying that drug taking is "basic", only that you made this one simple/basic request to him and he can't even be arsed to follow it), then what else will he disrespect you about? After all, you're still with him, despite the disrespect.

I wouldn't tolerate my partner smoking weed around me. Who's he buying it from, who are THEY buying it from? Other people are cool with it, but it would be a deal breaker for me.

Do either of you have kids OP?

Three times a year is really not a lot of usage. We probably all assumed it was more than that. But the lying and him not realizing how badly he behaves are issues.

Yes, it's too much to ask. He's a user and doesn't want to stop. He will continue to use and continue to lie to you because that's become the status quo. Seriously, either get used to it - strongly advise against this - or leave him. He won't change, his usage will become more frequent and you will pay for it, emotionally and financially. Don't treat yourself like this, you deserve better.

You’re fine with the drugs? Why?

You need to leave, sorry. Especially if it's the big H. It could become dangerous. It sounds like he's not capable of maintaining a relationship at the moment

I suppose you’ve got two choices.
1 - stay and put up with it. All of it because he’ll never change. This is how it’s going to be so just accept it.
2 - realise he’s not so great, move on and find someone worthy of your affections.
There’s no middle ground here.

I know I have to either accept it or break up but it’s hard because we've been together nearly 20yrs and apart from this he’s great. He has always been there for me and we talk about everything. When I had a serious illness previously he stayed up so many nights with me to support me emotionally and he was going to work with barely any sleep for months. He never complained once about dropping everything and driving me to endless hospital appointments etc. He spent tens of thousands to get me treatment that wasn’t available on the NHS. He’s very thoughtful and surprised me with a trip to New York late last year, which he knew was a dream of mine. He definitely does not come across as a man who doesn’t care about me.

That’s why it’s hard. It doesn’t make any sense to me.

It’s not really that I’m fine with drugs. It’s more that I accept I cannot control or dictate how others live their lives. I just want him to tell me.

For those asking, no, we have no children.

Do you mean heroin? It’s cannabis he uses.

He uses cannabis 3 times a year?

He uses cannabis 3 times a year?

I was thinking this was at least a class A drug. If its cannabis; I'm less inclined to advise LTB, more inclined to tell him to do it away from the house and sod off away from you.

That’s the problem. He won’t tell me and I can’t understand why. I just don’t want to be around him when he’s using it but he won’t tell me in advance. We've had endless conversations about this and he always agrees to tell me in future but never does. He says he doesn’t know why.

Yes, about that. Not every year though. There have been many years in a row when he didn’t use any at all. He just likes it occasionally.

He must be the only person I've ever heard of who gets aggressive when stoned OP.
That is very strange in itself.

You are enabling his behaviour because he knows you won't leave. This will only get worse.

You thought in your first post if you said it was cannabis it would be "outing"? 😳

Why have you set your bar so low that you’re desperate to stay with a lying drug user who acts like a complete wanker several times a year?
Like other PP have said I hope to God there are no kids involved

In that case it may be worth staying with him. A couple quick posts really don't give the full picture.

Sorry you are dealing with this. I had a question: what difference in salary between you and him? I see you said he spent thousands on your treatment and you live separately. Just thought to understand if your decision and calling him great is mostly tired to fianances. Only you can answer this and workout if that’s the deal you are happy with, forever.

Been meaning to ask @Dixie81 . How sure it’s only 3x as you live separately! My instinct is to say it’s certainly MORE hence you catch him and he hasn’t told you, which to him is better than HE informing you every time he uses it and YOU realising it’s a lot more. You don’t live together. Can you follow the logic? I see you FOCUS solely on respect for you, but isn’t he perhaps balancing the amount of time he uses it with your feelings. Sounds fair to me about someone who is using it more than he lets you believe..

He gets aggressive on weed??? I thought it was supposed to mellow one out!

I think he doesn’t tell you either because he doesn’t exactly plan a binge far ahead; or else, because this is something he does not want any interference about whatsoever, something he wants total autonomy over.

If you love him so much, and this only happens 3 times a year, and only if no children are involved, why not just stay?

When a binge arrives, say nothing, and go to a hotel for three days. ( This means having a fund set aside.)

Leave him to his decision to have this binge. Do not give him the satisfaction of one of his silly arguments, or watching you beg him to tell you when he is about to do this.

Otherwise, leave him without a backward glance.

Technically we have separate addresses but we’re together most of the time. I’m with him every day for at least part of the day or overnight.