Partner’s drug use and lies

[Dixie81]

He uses drugs but I won’t say which types to avoid outing myself here. It’s not all the time but he becomes a horrible person when he’s using and for a while after. It got so bad that we broke up but after months of relationship counselling we got back together but still do not live together full time. He agreed to be honest about his drug use in future.

He has never kept to this agreement. I’ve caught him out lying an lot and I can’t understand why. He knows I won’t dump him over the drugs but I just want to avoid him during those drug binges. Is that too much to ask? I can’t get my head around why he won’t tell the truth. When I ask him why he just says ‘I don’t know’. it makes no sense.

He is a great guy when he’s not using so I won’t break up with him and I’ve told him that but it’s the lack of respect and honesty that upsets me. It’s only occasional. It’s not like he’s using drugs every day and he doesn’t want me around when he’s using anyway so why doesn’t he just tell me?

Hold on, he does drugs like 3 times a year (🙄 as if) and the drugs will always be more important to him and you’re fine with that?

No, you’re not. You should not be fine with that.

I’m a recovering alcoholic. I drank heavily for 20 years. In the last couple years, every day. The booze was not more important than my children and my husband, though I may have acted like it was some days. As soon as I realised that the trade off was realistically going to be my kids for the booze. Nope, no way. I quit and never looked back. You should never be okay with that. It’s not acceptable and I would not have expected Dh to sit around twiddling his thumbs while I moved out and shirked all my responsibilities for substances. That’s no way to live.

My XH was also a wonderful guy....when clean and sober. I still divorced him, because despite me doing everything I could to support him getting clean and sober, he didn't even try to engage with it. Not through the private rehab that cost £££££s, or the counselling/therapy, or anything else.

It's down to you OP. I worked out that I'll never be able to change my XH's behaviours or actions (that is purely down to him), but I can change how I react or deal with his behaviours/actions. After nearly 7yrs, I put in clear boundaries and stuck to them. It was life changing (for the better). FWIW, he's a wonderful guy even now (when he's clean and sober!), but I won't be part of the nonsense, drama and crap that comes with his addiction.

Your "D"P might not be addicted to drugs in the same way that my XH was/is, but you've shown him that you're prepared to accept the lies and disrespect by sticking by him. Even if it is just a handful of times a year that he goes off the rails. So why would he bother telling you beforehand that he's going to have a binge? HE knows you're not going anywhere and that you've accepted the lies/disrespect. In the same way that I subconsciously accepted the awful behaviours that my XH showed towards me when we were married (before my lightbulb moment!). After I divorced him, he actually said to me that he never thought that I'd pull the plug on things/follow through with divorcing him.

So either you stick with him, warts and all, and put up with the crap. Or you say "enough is enough" and dump him. I know what I would do (it's the latter option).

OP he's am addict. Addicts lie about their use, it's par for the course.

For example - my late DH was an alcoholic. I used to find his hidden bottles of vodka and he'd deny it - he'd claim they were there from months ago when I'd checked those areas the previous day!! I'd show him my online bank account showing a purchase today of £8.79 (the price of 1/2 vodka from the shop next door) and he'd deny it.

I knew of course he was barefaced lying and HE KNEW THAT I KNEW.

We'd been married for 20 years and I would have said, before this took hold, that he was a very up-front person, especially about himself and his failings.

It is completely insane and can drive YOU insane.

My DH died nearly a year ago very messily but quickly as a result of his alcoholism. I can honestly say it's a relief for both of us.

Your BF is an addict and he will always lie about it even if the truth is staring him in the face.

You can't help him.

Simple, he’s a nice guy when not on drugs, then ask him to stop, I cannot see a future with someone who is nice most of the time, but not when he’s using.

“Only a few times a year”

Do you know how many people are murdered each year in the Cocaine business ?
Do you know how many people are enslaved ?
Do you know how make people are Trafficked?
Do you know how many women and children are sexually exploited?
Do you know how many children are left orphaned?
Do you know how many people are tortured?

Cocaine is dripping in blood from start to finish, anyone who takes it, or condones it use (like the OP), is morally bankrupt. If DH ever took it, he would be immediately out the door

Your partner is full of bull 💩! No way on this earth is somebody who puts drugs before you, only using 3 times a year 🙄
Drug use makes people selfish and they lie. You need to wise up to be honest.

So you are with an idiot so will act like an idiot and you will do nothing like woman before you and women after youz

Do you need the red flags to hit you on the head enough times till you decide to pick your self respect off the floor?

You're an absolute mug.

He prefers drugs to you. He clearly doesnt respect you so what does it matter if he is kind and funny?!?!

Please don't ever have kids with this prick.

Seriously just get rid of the junkie cunt. Value yourself more than he values you.

The frequency is irrelevant. Drug use is propping up layers of abuse and trafficking. I could not be with someone who uses. It’s up there with strip clubs, porn and prostitution. It’s a line. He crosses it and you are ok with it.

How old are you? If you want a relationship where you settle down, buy a house/marry/have children you are wasting your time with this one. If your older and already been there and done that and want to live out the rest of your life living alone I could maybe understand you not breaking up. However, if you do eventually want to live as a couple with someone you are in for years of heartbreak, chaos and disappointment with this one. You will regret wasting your time.

He is probably using a lot more than you think, it’s just the times he has gone a bit far with it that you notice.

Dump him and definitely don’t bring children into this mess. He’s not a great guy.

It doesn’t matter if it daily, weekly, monthly. The fact his he’s demonstrating to you that his relationship with drugs is more important than his relationship with you

Make as many excuses as you like, you are allowing and enabling him - YOUR choice

just make sure you never ever bring children into this shit show as it would not be THEIR choice.

Me too! Twinsies!😆

I’m not sure why people are assuming it’s coke or amphetamines but it’s not. I would have preferred not to mention what drug it is but I think it’s important to clarify that it’s cannabis he uses. A drug most people (even on here) see as harmless. I don’t see it as harmless as he’s nasty when he’s using it but I know that society finds this drug acceptable since most people don’t turn into angry, horrible characters on it. In fact, most people seem to mellow out. I know when he uses it because the house stinks and so does he.

He works hard and he sees this as an occasional bit of fun to chill out. I just don’t want to be around him when he’s using it which is why I asked him to tell me. But he still won’t and that’s what I don’t understand. Maybe I come across as patronising by expecting him to tell me? It could seem to him that I’m treating him like a child? I really don’t know. I just want to understand it.

You are still focused on the wrong thing. You want to understand why he uses drugs even though they make him unpleasant to be around and you hate it. It’s because he’s selfish and doesn’t really give a shit about you.

What you should be trying to understand is why is your bar so pitifully low?

Cannabis is not harmless. And also involves criminal activity, county lines and worse.

I don't think that you're ever going to get him to let you know beforehand that he's going to be taking it. You've already told him your expectations (no doubt, multiple times) and he's still ignoring them. You're sticking by him, so he's taking that as a tacit approval from you that he can carry on the status quo without issue.

I think the drug taking (in this situation) is neither here, nor there. It's his disrespect of you that is the problem. You've said what you want/don't want, and he repeatedly ignores/lies/disrespects that. What are you going to do about that? Just carry on and put up with it? Or say "enough is enough", and pull the plug? You won't change him because he doesn't care or respect you enough to make the allowances or changes that you want. It's your call though.

FWIW, I don't see cannabis as a drug that's harmless. I hate it (and all the other illegal drugs).

I didn't say he was on amphetamine,I only stated I was an ex user and have an understanding of drug use.

Lying is horrible. You can't trust your partner. This would be an absolute deal breaker for me and I think you should end things.

He's also ok with behaving horribly as long as he gets to use.

I just hope there are no kids involved as this sounds like a total shit show!

I have zero tolerance when it comes to drugs and the fact that he is lying to you about using shows his lack of respect towards you

Sorry, I didn’t mean to imply you did. It’s just that there’s another comment about how bad cocaine is and then when amphetamine was mentioned, I didn’t want anyone jumping to conclusions. I’ve found people often assume it must be something more ‘extreme’ than cannabis to cause any relationship problems.

That’s exactly it. It’s the disrespect. He’s a grown man and if he wants to take drugs that’s his decision as long as I don’t have to witness it. All he has to do is tell me. Instead I walk through the door to find the house stinking and him lying there stoned and he gets all cheeky and grumpy, picking fights over nothing. When I speak up (once he’s sober!) he says things like ‘Everyone knows cannabis doesn’t make people grumpy’ or ‘It’s only cannabis, stop making such a fuss over it’.

Since we split, I’ve got to enjoy having my own space and more time to spend with friends, hobbies etc but I had hoped our relationship would get deeper again once we built up some trust between us. Clearly that’s never going to happen so I have to accept that.