Ex and 34 pounds, AIBU

[Yuanpp]

Ex is usually decent with money. To be honest it’s the least he can do given he sees dd for a few hours on a Saturday and Sunday and that’s if he’s not working at a weekend in which case it’s every couple of weeks. His choice, I’ve offered whatever he wants.

Ex earns 95k. He also gets overtime, which varies so isn’t taken into account for cms.

All last year he paid a set amount which was slightly more than cms calculated. In Jan they did the new calculation and it was 34 pounds less. So he’s still overpaying slightly overall but is now paying 34 quid less than every month last year.

I think this is an incredibly dickish move and I’ve told him this. Yes I know technically he’s doesn’t have to pay more blah blah blah but fucking hell I’m doing EVERYTHING for DD all week every week and every night of her life. I feel like it was petty and unkind to knock off 34 quid. I told him i don’t get the luxury of suddenly reducing what I spend on DD as I just have to spend it. I said he was being a disgrace.

I am really upset just about how frustrated I feel really at the injustice I have enough money, it’s not about that, it’s about how I feel at the hands of his decisions when I just have to plough on and don’t get to do the same…I couldn’t decide to spend slightly less this month

What's he said back? I totally agree with you btw.

@Ponoka7 he was defensive and said he pays loads all the time for DD. He does pay for things here and there so that’s true but it still
feels so petty and unkind to do that about 34 quid? He knows I have to budget to pay nursery and all the house bills and so on.

Yanbu tbh, that’s over £100 a month, which is a huge amount in terms of food and etc

@mumofoneAloneandwell what do you mean? (Sorry)

No being geniuine, my weekly food shop for DD’s stuff is about £30 pw now - losing that doesn’t sound like huge amounts but it adds up x

Why do you feel really upset about what injustice? If he saw your daughter more, he would have to pay even less CM no? If you’re got enough money, why do you need paying an extra £34 from your ex? It doesn’t make sense

@mumofoneAloneandwell its 34 over the month that he’s reduced it by. But yeah its still something and it feels really pointed, I don’t know why it’s upset me so much really

@UnhappyHobbit its how he’s just paid me less, no conversation, he just does what suits him because he can. He has the money. I have enough money too. But it’s the fact he can just do that and I can’t?

I’ve probably been an arse about it. Just feels quite hurtful when I’m literally doing it all.

Its 34 per month. Literally says that in the title and post.

My ex hasn't paid anything since 2008. . When csa declared he paid me 10. 50 a week for 3 x dc..
Self employed... I didn't even apply to cms. Wasn't worth the headspace..

I think part of it in a weird way is that it highlights how alone I am. That’s definitely fed into how shit I feel about it. It’s not really specifically about the amount.

Oh, my mistake, I read per week! @Nickyknackered

oh girl, just leave it in that case! Just forget about it as you’ll seem petty x

I’m sure you’re not an unreasonable person. If he’d taken a pay cut, was changing jobs, having another kid etc. Where £34 made a huge difference to him I’m sure you’d cut him some slack. But by the sounds of it that money is nothing to him. It’s stingey AF.
I’m sure he does buy DD plenty of stuff (it’s usually the “fun” things like the expensive branded trainers for the sport they play I’ve noticed) but whilst your stuck buying the day to day essentials (food, bills) and are unable to afford to be the fun parent it’s just mean spirited of him. The £34 only goes towards his daughter at the end of the day.

I get that, sorry for the blunt response. I’m sorry to hear that it’s made you feel that way.

It’s because he’s covering his child’s costs, but doing no work.
He is content to let you be fully responsible for her, and £34 wouldn’t cover a babysitter for an evening out once a month yet he begrudges you having it.

In no world are you being unreasonable, supposed at the results.

he gets to make every decision about how often he sees his kid and what he thinks his contribution should be, and you just have to work around that. It sucks op I’m sorry

A decent ex would have seen the change, not agreed, and paid more not less.

I was a lone parent never had any maintenance. My ex was deemed a risk to us so had parental responsibility revoked. I was sent a letter stating legally I should get £36 a week but due to the complexity of it all and the violence they decided I would get nothing. This was in the noughties. That letter seemed worse than the violence I had endured and the horrific court case as after all of that they decided my child and I didn’t matter. It’s stayed with me for all these decades.

And bizarrely when my DC turned about 25 or so I was sent the oddest letter ever, caused panic attacks and so on I was a wreck for months after, from them again saying they were now closing my ‘case’ as they had never been able to collect any maintenance on my behalf. To send me that when he was 25 just added another level of betrayal. In all of those years could they not at least have done something.

So yes these things hurt and make you feel awful.

How much is he paying? You say he is overpaying but you want him to overpay more. Am I understanding correctly?

Sorry to hear of other women in situations where they too have felt shit 💐

Ive reflected a bit more on it and it’s definitely hit me how it’s all on me. It’s like a big neon light in my face that he does what he wants, I have to fix it. It will always be that way and it makes me feel vulnerable in an odd way.

It is incredibly petty and selfish and anyone would be upset . It feels like a real symbolic slap in the face .Especially when you are doing everything . I can see from my dearest friend 20 years later that people do reap what they sow .And her ex husband concealed his wealth and gave the minimum while she did all the work and struggled to pay for everything .
Now that the children are grown up they can see it all clearly and appreciate all their mother did. And they love her .And they see their father as he is.
I do think at the end of his life , he will suddenly realise he valued the wrong people . But it will be too late then to put things right .

And her children are such a credit and even her ex MIL realises now after years of throwing shade and giving nothing .

@MrsFruitbat he does do his bit financially so it has surprised me he’s done this. I can’t get past the fact that my every waking hour (and sleep often!) is working or caring for DD, while he is free to progress his career how he wishes and has a full nights sleep every night of the week. When i think about that I just can’t help thinking what a fucking arse to deduct anything let alone 34 quid

It really isn’t. With prices how they are that would hardly pay for one Tesco shop.

It isn’t fair. I personally would not reduce the money used to care for my child, never mind a child who I was seeing sporadically, one who was well cared for.
Some men think differently, they only consider now, the minimum, not much thinking past tomorrow, mainly prioritising their own needs.