To be so anxious for toddler dance tomorrow!

[Pariahofthetoddlertroupe]

I know I’m probably being unreasonable but I feel awful and I’m hoping someone can talk some sense into me.
DD, age 4, does a Sat morning dance class. She’s been going for a year. For about the past 6 months, me and four other mums have moved past chit chat in class to being a bit closer. We’ve established a routine that after class the 4 of us take the kids to a nearby park, the kids play and we get coffees. Not everyone goes every week, but whenever we’re around, we do. It’s become such a routine we now bring enough snacks for each others kids (just small bits), one of us will shout coffees each time etc. so it’s not anything formal but totally expected, and the kids expect it too.

last Saturday, they were sort of milling around, so I asked if anyone wanted to go. Turns out one of them had organised for the three of them to go to another activity after class. I was stood there like a numpty with a backpack full of snacks for 4 kids. I felt so embarrassed. Poor DD kept trying to follow their kids and I had to gently guide her away.

just for context, dd isn’t at a pushy or mean phase, she plays really nicely alongside the other girls. I’m polite and friendly. I KNOW they are completely entitled to decide they want a smaller group but it feels awful. I’m catstrophising - we’re relatively close to each others homes so DD is likely end up at primary with them as well. So close that we used to drop in for things (spare craft supplies for nursery, or do you have a blender, those sorts of little things). I genuinely can’t think what I’ve done, other than the others are just a little bit more similar in background than me. I am dreading class tomorrow. What if they head off just the three of them, or even worse if they expect to go back?

Sorry, three other mums so four of us in total.

Please try not to worry about it. This happens all the time when you have small children - these relationships come and go with very little rationale, sometimes. I'd put money on it bit being something that you've done or not done - it's just the way of the world. They may see each other at other activities/have other affiliations etc - it's just one of those things.

So I would pretend to be totally relaxed and all “how was the activity you all did last week? Are you going again? Would love to join you …”

Gah I'd hate that, you must feel blindsided. What was the other activity, any chance it's something they've shared an interest in previously?

It was just a slightly further park/ playground, I would have happily joined if I was invited. I think I feel a bit insecure as I have a slightly tougher life than them (illness). I am really really conscious to never complain or be a Debbie downer but it is obviously evident. If they ask, I’ll answer really briefly but then move the conversation on . I’m worried they think I’m bringing down the vibe or something.

So mean of them! I'm sorry. Must feel really shit.

That's really rough OP and a really nasty thing for them to have done. I don't know how is best to approach it. I'd be tempted to call them out, but that's almost certainly a bad idea. I wonder if they all knew you weren't invited or if it was just the organiser that left you out.

That’s awful sorry if it’s any consolation I’d feel exactly the same as you.

It's hard but I just let it go especially as they probably be at the same school. Just have something you have to go to after the park visit. Be polite friendly but act like it doesn't matter...it won't in time it just hurts now and it's cruel of them.

I couldn’t really tell. They’re not mean people either, I don’t really know why. They were still talking with me as we walked out so I don’t think I’ve done something which has offended anyone. I think I just have to accept I’ve been tried out as a friend and found wanting.

Without going into details, would there have been a practical reason that your illness would have made the new park impractical for you? I'm clutching at straws here as I think they've been incredibly mean!

No nothing! It’s basically something that needs treatment from time to time but doesn’t impact daily life. I’ve never asked any of them for help with it/ with DD etc, I really do try and keep it separate but might mention if we miss a week or two.

That's just so mean. I'm not going to make excuses for them.

There was another thread a few weeks/months ago with exactly the same thing - mums and small kids going to park or cafe after a group, then the OP suddenly not invited and not sure how to explain to small child who expects to go and play with their friends as usual.

So mean.

Maybe someone else, another person who you don't know but knows them arranged the meeting?
Or do they know each other outside this group at another class?
It seems well that they would deliberately make a plan and deliberately not tell you.
I hate stuff like this, I find it really difficult to navigate mum friendships where you have onky met through your kids as the dynamics can be really weird.

That's mean. You're entitled to feel a bit shit about it but remember that they're the shots not you 😊

Interestingly, I had something similar to this happen when my kids were toddlers (they're teens now) - people i thought were friends organising to have coffee every week after a toddler music class without me, and talking about it in front of me! Met up with one of them at a dinner party recently and she actually apologised to me and said she felt really bad at how they had left me out and been so rude. She didn't say why they had done it and I was so shocked I didn't know what to say.

Sorry not sure if that is helpful but just wanted you to know you're not the only one it's happened to and ultimately this is about them, not you. Hold your head high.

Ostracism is so painful and makes our internal alarm systems go off, this is why you feel awful. We are social animals and exclusion would mean death in days gone by.
however, this may not be actual ostracism so try to soothe yourself and be with those who love you to settle your nervous system, and just see how things go. It’s not for you to few embarrassed or ashamed, they are the ones who have behaved unskillfully

on a personal note- I am facing a potentially terminal situation with my health and have been reflecting on my life, and the one thing I really do regret is pouring my energy into hanging out with people who are unkind and thoughtless and make me feel shit. You can be cheerful and friendly, but if they don’t have good manners, you don’t want them in your life, there will be other people to make friends with at primary and before. Most of the people you meet in this world will not be your tribe, just keep rifling through looking for needles in the haystack, and if they really are going to ostracise you for no good reason then fuck the lot of them.

God I hate when people do stuff like this because it is absolutely on them to address it rather than leave you to stew on it indefinitely. Cowards! Better off without them, but shit for your daughter and for you I'm sorry.

Whichever way you look at it, it’s mean of them. If it’s simply that they had made the plan when you weren’t around and just forgotten to have invited you then surely a “oh sorry Pariahofthetoddlergroup, we forgot to say we are doing x, do you want to come?” The only reasonable thing I can think of to justify it is if they were meeting someone else there who hadn’t invited you and they were trying to spare your feelings on someone else’s behalf.

Don’t trouble yourself on it though. It won’t matter a few months from now. Just be polite tomorrow, then don’t say anything at the end and hold back just long enough to see if anyone invites you to do something, but have a “right DD we’re going to be late for x” lined up in a “I had other plans anyway” sort of way.

It’s all so ridiculous isn’t it. I’ve never been so left out and made to feel like such a social pariah as I have at mums groups. If our children were behaving like that to another child and leaving them out we’d be telling them to stop being mean and think about the person’s feelings. But adults never practice what they preach and absolutely suck. And it’s so thoughtless on your poor DD her being left out as well. Children tend to blame themselves for stuff like this. Would it kill them to suck it up and have a quick coffee for the childrens’ sakes even if they don’t like you? They can always meet up themselves on a day the children aren’t all doing the same class together. Not exactly good role models are they.

Ugh they sound horrible. I’ve had this before too. When people like that behave in that way you just have to bite your tongue and rise above it, especially if you’ll see them at primary. It says more about them than you. Just pretend you don’t care and be friendly. Hopefully you will find some nice mum friends at school but it could take a while. The nice ones are often those hanging back and not part of the ‘in’ crowd.

I’m sorry you’re facing health issues, from your reply it sounds like you’re facing your illness with grace and strength. Hope you’re surrounded by your true tribe

Similar to a pp, I think I'd go along the the lines of casually asking " So, how was activity XYZ?' I've thought of taking DD there but not sure if she'd enjoy it. What do you think"? Tilt head and let them flounder.

Very possible. I think in that situation I would say, sorry we can’t join today, our mutual friend x has arranged y. But I’m not always articulate in awkward social situations so they may not have thought of saying that in the moment.

So you usually go out as a 4 but they arranged for just the 3 of them to go, is that right? If so that's really, really shit of them!!!

Yeah that’s it. I think I’m taking it so hard because I might have built it up in my head, I was thinking aren’t I lucky I’ve made 3 friends AND our kids get along, this is the jackpot but maybe they were thinking this is a random mum from dance class, but not a friend.

Did the rest of them know each other beforehand or did you all meet together at the dance class?