To be so anxious for toddler dance tomorrow!

[Pariahofthetoddlertroupe]

I know I’m probably being unreasonable but I feel awful and I’m hoping someone can talk some sense into me.
DD, age 4, does a Sat morning dance class. She’s been going for a year. For about the past 6 months, me and four other mums have moved past chit chat in class to being a bit closer. We’ve established a routine that after class the 4 of us take the kids to a nearby park, the kids play and we get coffees. Not everyone goes every week, but whenever we’re around, we do. It’s become such a routine we now bring enough snacks for each others kids (just small bits), one of us will shout coffees each time etc. so it’s not anything formal but totally expected, and the kids expect it too.

last Saturday, they were sort of milling around, so I asked if anyone wanted to go. Turns out one of them had organised for the three of them to go to another activity after class. I was stood there like a numpty with a backpack full of snacks for 4 kids. I felt so embarrassed. Poor DD kept trying to follow their kids and I had to gently guide her away.

just for context, dd isn’t at a pushy or mean phase, she plays really nicely alongside the other girls. I’m polite and friendly. I KNOW they are completely entitled to decide they want a smaller group but it feels awful. I’m catstrophising - we’re relatively close to each others homes so DD is likely end up at primary with them as well. So close that we used to drop in for things (spare craft supplies for nursery, or do you have a blender, those sorts of little things). I genuinely can’t think what I’ve done, other than the others are just a little bit more similar in background than me. I am dreading class tomorrow. What if they head off just the three of them, or even worse if they expect to go back?

We all met at dance class. My DD and another girl met, then the other two joined shortly after

Oh that's really mean!

Ah op, I would feel exactly the same as you, their behaviour isn't nice. Do you chat with them on WhatsApp? Just wondering if you can message to see if they're heading to the park tomorrow after dance class? At least you'll know beforehand.

I usually find with threads like this it seems the OP is overthinking/ catastrophising and there’s a reasonable explanation that they’ve not thought about.

But in this case it’s hard to think of anything. I am sorry OP that does just come across as at best unthinking and at worst downright cruel

Bitches.

Sorry OP I don't have any advice but I hate this kind of thing. You always think when your experiencing this happen at school that by the time your in your 20s/30s/40s then you won't have to experience this shit anymore. And then when you do it's just as rubbish as when you were 12.

thank you all for being so kind, I’ve had a small knot in my chest all week and I’m feeling a bit lighter. I’ll prep DD for the fact we might not go, and have some breezy fivtional plans ready in case they decide to all do something together again without us. I’ll still join if they do go to the park, for DD and it might just be a one off

That’s very mean and immature of them @Pariahofthetoddlertroupe

Good luck OP. This is hard for you and upsetting for DD who won't understand. But life will go on and she'll make other friends whether or not this group continues.

If it was related to your illness then they are despicable people and your and DD are better off not being around people with such a shitty attitude

If it was nothing or some other reason and everything is normal this week I’d give them another chance.

Try to flip it in your head that you are giving them another chance and not the other way around. You are clearly a nice person and there will be plenty more fish in the sea at other groups and at school. You don’t need these people. If it works out all good and if it doesn’t you don’t let them see that you care at all and you move on as they are not worth the time and effort.

I would so have wanted to respond with ‘oh right. If you say so. I don’t remember that at all’ and just pretend that I am was so unbothered it went over my head. I know I probably wouldn’t but I would want to.

That's so mean 🙁
Are you on a WhatsApp group with them? How would they have communicated to make the plans?

I

It's very hurtful, but hard as it is don't sweat it. You deserve better than this behaviour. It sounds like there is the organiser and two followers.

I'm a bit confused by what happened! Did one of the mums say "Susan invited Jane and I to go to park B today" and then didn't say something like "do you want to join?" Did they expect that you would know you could just tag along? Or was it an activity that you needed to have planned to attend in advance?

I'm probably being overly charitable to your friends! I'm really sorry this happened to you. At the very least, they were supremely thoughtless not to have invited you. I think your idea to have back up "plans" is a good one.

I found it never happened as an adult until I had kids and made mum friends. Most of the actual friends I've made have been lovely but there are definitely some mean girl dynamics which come through in groups. I'm trying to learn to not let it steal my peace.

I'd stay on friendly terms with these Mums because you will be probably at the school gate for years but remember there will be loads more people you can be friends with.

Go with your head held high. It’s really mean, I hate shit like this. I wouldn’t make up alternate plans or ask them how it was. When the dance club is finishing and you’re making moves to go to the park, I would just own it and say ‘Are you all off to your new park today?’ If they say yes I would say ‘Ok cool, are we jacking in the usual coffee routine from now on then? Only I brought the snacks last week and again today and I won’t bother in future’. If they say no let’s stick to the usual I would go as usual and forget about it. But I would be tempted to say ‘well it was quite awkward for me last week as Emily didn’t know why we didn’t hang out at our usual park’.

You mentioned that not everyone goes every week? Have you been going consistently and have you been there in the last 2 or 3 weeks? Do you have each others numbers to text each other?

I think if you've not been there and they've just arranged it in passing then fair enough not to mention it - people can be forgetful when life is busy and they're sleep deprived. But I do think they should have invited you at the time when you were stood there like a lemon. That was just rude.

I think you need to step back from this and think if these are people you actually want to invest in as friends or not rather than focusing on what you're feeling right now as a rejection.

If the answer to that is yes you do want to, then I agree with the pp who said to ask them about it the next time you see them and be up front that you'd love to join if they're going again and keep it light. If they include you great if they don't then I think you have your answer that they are not your people and are pretty rude.

If the answer is that you don't really want to invest in them then I'd look around at the other parents and maybe try to speak to some you haven't connected much with before and spread the net wider so to speak.

I do think parent friends are hard to make because really you're only friendly because you happen to be at the same place at the same time consistently through your kids as opposed to because you have shared interests/ hobbies/ values. So things can disintegrate quickly when the surface is scratched and you realise you are different people - some are better at accepting and being OK with that than others because those friendships take much more work.

So I agree that this is nothing to take personally although I completely get why it feels so crap and I'd have felt the same. That's a totally human response.

But the collective park trip doesn't require you to be best friends forever. Just being 'dance mum friend' is fine. You weren't expecting anything other than your standard routine. They've been unkind in doing this and I'm sorry.

Less is more and silence can be powerful. I'd ask them 'how was <the activity>?' wait to hear the answer and just nod or say 'OK'. Resist the urge to make it all right for them or say you were busy. Let them figure out what to do now.

so I’d be gutted by this, however…objectively, if I understood right, they didn’t go to the park (your usual plan?) without you? They went to a different pre booked activity?

could it have just been that one of the weeks you weren’t there they booked on spur of moment?

It's incredibly shit of them basically

There's only four of you, it should just be the more the merrier

Oh Susan can't join this week, no worries, see you next time kind of affair

I wouldn't ask them a single question about it next week.

I'd just breeze up and see how the land lies.

You could also let slip (lie) that you had something else planned last week - not sure how best to handle it really.

I can guarantee that one of the three enjoyed the fact that you were not invited

Thank you, and I am at last yes! We shouldn’t settle imo, that’s what I’ve learned. If people
are shitbags to you just cut them loose

Also don't worry about the school thing. Yes they may end up there so it's a good idea not to fall out with them.

But there will be loads of other kids and parents there, many of whom will be nice.

Also mums like this are fickle. If your kid happens to end up friends with theirs at school, or there's a convenient playdate in it for them, they'll probably have forgotten all about their mean girl behaviour at toddler class.

I would try and minimise their importance in your life. If they invite you to the park and your DD would enjoy it then go if you want. If they don't, just be friendly but distant and practice saying "fuck you then" in your head! It's a them issue not a you issue, some people just enjoy being cliquey.

It is so disappointing that grown women treat each other like this. I had this happen and it really really hurts . There is no need for it as it's just a trip to a fucking park not asking anyone to move in with you . At the same time we are telling our kids to Be Kind . I absolutely hate people that do this and even to other people. It makes me think of them in a different way . And then I realise that I don't want to be friends with those kind of people.
Fuck em OP

I hope it was a miscommunication of some sort. Some people have to make a claim in a group and exclude others who they don’t want. Hopefully this is not the case.
You sound lovely, I’d ask them if you’ve done something to offend them, if it happens again this week.