violence against girls in primary school

[DibblysquibblygenX]

My year 5 daughter has goes to a small church school (one form entry) that her older teen siblings attended.
In the past year she has been assaulted four times by 3 separate boys in her class - once punched in the face from behind, once grabbed around the neck and her t-shirt torn, knocked to the ground, pinned up against a wall and had hands put around her neck.
not that it is relevant but for context, she is very small in stature but the kind of girl who speaks up when she sees injustice and sticks up for herself and her friends.
The school have responded in a lack lustre way - telling her to write it down and put it in the 'worry box' and only calling in the parents of one boy (who is over half the size/weight of her), and putting it down to 'friendship disputes' completely normalising the gender based nature of these assaults. Frankly I'm getting worried about what could happen to her when teachers aren't vigilant enough to notice what's going on.
I am tempted to approach the parents of the boys themselves but know that they would probably just respond defensively and it would do more harm than good. how are people bringing up boys these days - many of them seem to have 'carte blanche' to go around assaulting whoever they like when they like from a young age - it's very worrying.
i am going to see the headmaster and mention to the governors that this gender based violence is unacceptable and needs to be tackled - i would love for her to change schools but she really wants to stay.
has anyone experienced similar?

That depends on the parent. When my DD was bullied horrifically during Y4 the main bullys mum approached me and we talked. However she was very apologetic, said she and her husband had talked to the boy several times (it eventually stopped when I told the school I was going to move her and name and shame them over their crap bullying policy).
These parents also had an older son who was really lovely. So some parents will be defensive and some won't. The problem is you don't know how they'll react until you speak to them.
So, I would go through the proper channels. Head, then governor's and if things are no better you might have to consider moving her. You can't let her go through another year and a half being treated like that.

Talking about gender based violence isn’t helpful. Have you made a formal complaint to school each time there has been an incident, have you copied everything to the head, governors and local education department?

My friends daughter was sexually assaulted by a boy when they were in year 4 and the schools suggestion was that her daughter was moved to a different class!
My friend had to fight school really hard to get them to see why it wasn't ok!

This happened to me in the 90's, I was also very small and in a mixed year 5/6 class and a couple of the year 6 boys attacked me, I remember one of them repeatedly punching me in the face for absolutely no reason other than his own amusement.

I'm so sorry your daughter is having to put up with this, it's completely unacceptable and the school are being totally useless by not dealing with the issue.

Thanks for pointing that out, I also misread it as 5yo and that makes quite a difference.

Police?

Yup, if any of those boys have turned 10 years of age, there can be police involvement.

Maybe the school should think about that.

Taking the gender part out of it, it continues to be completely unacceptable. I would certainly escalate it. This isn't minor squabbling, especially at 9/10 years old, that can be brushed aside as what children do (although of course should be dealt with itself).

I moved my daughter in year 5 following bullying issues at a very small church school. They seem like such ideallic environments but can often have staff that get away with poor standards due to the nature of the families that attend. We found the head was woefully incompetent with anything that wasn't summer fete-esque.

As a lad I was beaten up by a boy back in year 5.

Few weeks later he beat up a girl. My only consolation was that in secondary he was bullied so badly he had to change schools.

He's also incredibly stupid and to this day hasn't achieved anything of note in life.

Ok.

Serious misread on my part.
Apologies to OP.

Completely different slant on things.
They are still very young, but at ages 10 it IS appropriate to work on the gender angle.

Again, apologies to OP and everyone.

A child that young has learnt that violence from somewhere. Close to home. Either literally or viewing it on screen.
The school is being incredibly weak, pathetic and avoiding attending to the issue.
Make them do so.

Honestly, it shouldn’t , because that’s how you end up with older boys thinking this is ok.

Because at 5, they’re small,cute and “innocent “. They don’t know what they’re saying or doing, but no one actually bothers to properly pull them up on it or explain the seriousness of it all or that they broke a boundary either . Because they’re small, and cute and innocent. How else are they supposed to learn though? Especially when it doesn’t really stop at 5 either, it can continue all the way through primary and sometimes even beyond. Then people wring their hands and wonder “oh, how did it get to this?”. Because you didn’t do the right thing at 5. That’s how.

There was one particular boy in my dd's class in primary who was a nightmare all the way through school from nursery.

The incidents of him hurting other children got worse and worse and the school always said they were dealing with it but he just missed a playtime or 5 minutes of his lunch break. Nothing changed.

There was a period of a couple of weeks in primary where my dd, who is a tough cookie and usually well able to stick up for herself came home crying and covered in mud because of him and I flipped out. I marched her straight to the headteacher to show him what the boy had done and he asked my dd if she'd said something to upset him!

So I went home and read all the schools behaviour policies and then used the complaints form to make a formal complaint to the school and governors pointing out all the ways that the school were failing their own policies.
They asked me in for a meeting and I pointed out how his behaviour was escalating and that whatever they were doing it wasn't helping and asked them how far he had to go before they would take proper action.
After that they put in a lot of new strategies to deal with him and keep the other pupils safe.

I encourage you to do the same thing OP about the behaviour of the boys in your dd's school and keep escalating it if they don't take it seriously. The way they are dealing with it is not good enough.

I emailed the school.

I used 2 phrases-

1. I would like you to explain what measures you are putting in place to keep my daughter safe while she is in your care
2. I consider this to be a safeguarding issue- can you confirm that this has been noted and what procedures have begun?

I won't type it all out with what happened- but essentially, my child was cornered, hurt and then the boy said that she needed to be punished.

So it was safeguarding from both sides- she needed to be kept safe and obviously, there was something going on for the boy to say something like that.

Once there is a paper trail, things seem to start happening.

I also spent LOADS of time working with my daughter (who was also very tiny) making sure she felt brave enough to shout out NO- or DONT DO THAT. I mean, actually just shout out- not wait until she could tell a teacher- but shout loudly straight away. Once this child realised that 'other people' were looking, he stopped going near her.

Dds school are being very proactive. The vast majority of the boys are decent. The group making disgusting remarks to girls on an ongoing basis / ranking them / beating up as a group individual boys that challenge them need to be severely dealt with. No excuse.

Is there any school out there that actually tackles bullying and peer-on-peer abuse properly without gaslighting the victims with insulting, meaningless buzzwords and flat-out denying that it exists? First, the nasty child bullies the victim; then the school doubles down and bullies them again.

I'd email the headteacher (so you have a 'paper' trail) and ask him/her: "If a member of your teaching or other staff punched you in the face from behind, grabbed you around the neck and tore your clothes, knocked you to the ground, or pinned you up against a wall and put their hands put around your neck, how would you deal with this 'friendship issue'?"

Unless they come back to you contrite, furious on your behalf and determined to act, take it to as many people as you can think of and tell them what the school's clear response is to violence. Send the head a second email to tell them what you're going to do. LEA, OFSTED, your MP, police. Local papers and SM groups can also help, as bad publicity spreads like wildfire. Once the Anytown Gazette gets hold of the story of Littleton School's problems with violent bullying that they can't/won't address, it will stay on their website forever and come up every time a potential new parent Googles the school name with 'bullying'.

Also, if you feel the need to do so, inform them in writing that you will be keeping your DD off school until they can demonstrate that they have now made changes to guarantee her safety whilst under their care. They will get frantic about the impact on their attendance records and talk about fining you etc.

Again, tell them that you realise the importance of attendance and that you very much don't want your DD to be robbed of her right to education, but her safety and wellbeing are the top priority and, again, you are very willing to discuss the whole situation, the dangerous school setting and the changes that need to be made in order to provide her with a safe place to learn with any authorities that wish to meet with you about it.

You absolutely shouldn't have to do this yourself, as they have shamelessly betrayed you and summarily failed in their duty to you and to your DD; but if they see that they can either deal with you OR deal with you plus people and bodies that have authority over them and widespread publicity, they might just spring into action. Sadly, you have to make it their problem, with negative consequences for them - as they couldn't care less when it's only a problem for you and your DD.

ETA: x-posted with FofB (I got distracted whilst typing)

This is horrendous. Talk to the Head. If they take no action, send her to a different school!

This level of violence is sadly normal in our school (2 very aggressive boys), although as far as I’m aware it’s boys that get attacked, but school act much more proactively than you describe with temporary exclusions. There should be a stronger response going on.

Year 5. Ie 10 year olds.

Let me preface this by saying this is totally unacceptable.

However - do you know for certain that all the school has done is call in one set of parents?

If this child has an EHCP, the school is woefully limited in the sanctions they can enforce. As SLT in a primary school, I am regularly pulling out my hair over this.

Check the website for the school’s complaints policy and follow what it says. If you go straight to the Governors, you’re likely missing some steps. This needs addressing but it’s best to follow the procedure, you’ll get results faster.

Good luck and I’m glad you’re standing up for your DD.

My son was attacked in the classroom. Blood splattered over his shirt. Teacher present. Boys will be boys the macho head teacher said. Along with telling me that this thug wasn’t the worst. I phoned the Council and asked them if they knew where my son was at that moment in time. He was in the hospital. Then I wrote to them telling them that they have a “duty of care”. I also told them that no one in the local area would be unaware of what’s happening in that school if it ever happened again. I got letters from their legal dept telling me to refrain from constantly mentioning the pupils name in letters to the council! I replied repeating that their council failures would be in full public view if my son was assaulted again. They reminded me I worked for the Council, (the Head Teacher knew me) I said not this one. It’s infuriating when blatant bullying and assault is seen as typical kids stuff. We did get the police and tbh I wasnt impressed with them as they started questioning where the bully stood and where my son was standing as if the story didn’t make sense. Social worker phoned us to discuss mediation. I brought down my sons blood stained shirt and I said no mediation. I want it on his record. She left. No further issues though I don’t know what happened with the thug, he disappeared.

Embarrass them or threaten to. Mention duty of care and safeguarding at every opportunity. Involve them with every organisation that even remotely oversees them. Social services over the boys obvious experience of violence in the home. Tell them you are going to do it. They need to be wary of you, very wary.

Have you not been the school about this? Why not? No it’s not normal. You need to see the safeguarding lead and the head to find out what is going. Have you seen the anti bullying policy? Is it being applied? I had to do this, it was girl on girl. It’s not a boy thing only.

I have a 5 yo in reception too. If she was ever punched in the face by another child I’d be marching into the head’s office and demanding serious action be taken immediately. No way would I allow her to continue being put at risk. You need to do something about this immediately OP

Echoing the others who have recommended a martial arts. When ds1 was being bullied by a much bigger lad, we spoke to the school who were supportive but we enrolled him too. He never had to use his new found skills, and the instructors stressed that they were only for self defence but they gave him a huge sense of confidence, and he was no longer afraid to go to school. He knew that he could deflect and dodge a blow, but actually the bullying stopped, probably because of his new found confidence.

How are these incidents happening?
Where are they happening?
If its such small school, how is no one seeing it?
Have her friends reported it?
What happened when dd goes to the teacher extremely.upset?