To feel guilty that I’m not with DM

Inforgotten · 2026-01-30T19:28:21+00:00

DM lives alone , very few friends anymore and no hobbies. Was involved in grandchildren as (paid) childminder and I know would like more family time. Today we went shopping and I was telling DM my plans for the next 3 nights - cinema with DH, MIL birthday dinner and theatre with a friend. I asked DM would she like to come out with me saturday or sunday for lunch and she has said no in a sulk, clearly upset that I am not including her in any evening plans. For context, last weekend I went to her house for dinner , some wine and then during the week I popped up for tea and a chat so she is not neglected by any means. Tomorrow afternoon one of my DDs will pop up for a couple of hours. I feel guilty , I know it’s unreasonable but I just don’t seem to have enough days in the week to keep everyone happy ! AIBU ?

Swaytheboat · 30/01/2026 19:29

You're not being reasonable, she's being a brat. Let her cut her nose off to spite her face if she wants to.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 30/01/2026 19:31

I would reoffer the lunch and tell her not to cut her nose to spite her face.

FuzzyPuffling · 30/01/2026 19:31

No, you're not being at all unreasonable, but loneliness in older age can cut deep, and it may be she won't speak to anyone between your visits.
Perhaps she's sad, not sulking?

Original poster

Inforgotten · 30/01/2026 19:35

FuzzyPuffling · 30/01/2026 19:31

No, you're not being at all unreasonable, but loneliness in older age can cut deep, and it may be she won't speak to anyone between your visits.
Perhaps she's sad, not sulking?

I think a bit of both. She does speak to people - she gets out to the shops every day and was visiting someone yesterday, so it’s not like she is always alone, she just very keenly feels not being the centre of our lives

OP posts:

YourFairCyanReader · 30/01/2026 20:36

It's hard, I am in a similar situation. Do you have siblings? Your DM has ti make the effort to have more of a social life if she wants one.

Stuckinthemiddlewithyouuhoh · 30/01/2026 20:40

If she wants a social life she needs to make some friends
it’s not fair to rely on you for that

don’t feel bad op
she’s being out of order

thistimelastweek · 30/01/2026 20:45

Your mum is not, and should not be, the centre of your life. Your husband and children are now the centre of your life.
Sounds like you are doing really well by your mum. You include her lots and you think about her needs.
Don't feel guilty. You are doing fine by everyone.

WhoStoleAllTheUserNames · 30/01/2026 20:48

The Guilt!

Luckily my DM has a very good social life, but I know she’d like to see more of me and my DC. I do find it difficult spending time with her, with very one-sided conversation (I did once time how long she could manage to not talk during a one hour drive and it was 20 seconds…)

I do see her at least once a week, but it’s always The Guilt at the back of my mind.

I’m saving my energy for when she’s older and needs more help,

Funnily enough my siblings who don’t live near and rarely phone do not feel guilty,

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 30/01/2026 20:50

DM has said it’s awful not being anyone’s first priority anymore. No one’s number 1.

I think that’s an awful way to look at it, especially as she and Dad were each other’s number 1, and we came in a long way after. Actually she was just always rather selfish, putting her needs above everyone else’s. It was her first, then Dad.

I don’t have sympathy with people who live for themselves and are jealous of other people existing apart from them.

BlueMum16 · 30/01/2026 20:52

It's hard.

Can you encourage her to get out and make friends or join regular groups?

My DM goes to a knitting group at the library, a walking group run by the doctors, she volunteers at the food bank and also has a church group. Each group also arrange lunch/quizzes outside of the usual activity once a month.

Your DM needs to find others to fill her time. You a doing lots and cannot be your mum's everything.

sittingonabeach · 30/01/2026 20:54

How old is she?

Why doesn’t she have many friends any more? Did she put her life on hold to look after grandchildren?

thistimelastweek · 30/01/2026 21:01

WhoStoleAllTheUserNames · 30/01/2026 20:48

The Guilt!

Luckily my DM has a very good social life, but I know she’d like to see more of me and my DC. I do find it difficult spending time with her, with very one-sided conversation (I did once time how long she could manage to not talk during a one hour drive and it was 20 seconds…)

I do see her at least once a week, but it’s always The Guilt at the back of my mind.

I’m saving my energy for when she’s older and needs more help,

Funnily enough my siblings who don’t live near and rarely phone do not feel guilty,

Who are these parents who instil guilt on their children. The why is easy to figure but how do they do this?
Do they just bang on about filial obligations till it takes root?
I'm pretty close to my children. I truly believe they love me. But they fit me in best they can within the needs of their new families and responsibilities.
And that's how it should be

RudolphRNR · 30/01/2026 21:17

Huge sympathy, I am in exactly the same position with my mum. A big part of it as the (wonderfully named) Fuzzy Puffling says is that often my mum is sad and it presents as sulking. I try to be patient with that, but the guilt is hard to bear and frustrating.

When I’ve asked others for advice on this in the past everyone is so quick to shout that mum needs to go out and make her own friends. The thing is, my mum does go out, she does two volunteering jobs, she sings in a choir, she goes to the U3A, she sees people at all of these activities. But none of those friendships are what she wants, because since losing my dad she is sad, lonely, anxious and scared, and all she wants is to be with the people she loves the most - that is me and my sibling.

Grief and loneliness seem to hit her harder in the evening, so in my mum’s case, one evening with me is worth more than a week of lunches with others.

I’m not offering a solution here, just flagging that when people say you don’t owe your mum anything and she needs her own friends, it often doesn’t help to hear that. I try to work on managing my feelings of guilt. When the guilt creeps in I remind myself that I have my own life to lead, my mum is part of my life, and a big part, but not the only part. I’m entitled to enjoy my time with other people, I’m entitled to enjoy time alone to myself. If I am not seeing my mum I don’t allow myself to spend the evening feeling guilty that I’m not seeing her, because then my evening would be wasted. I’ve really had to toughen up with my own feelings around this situation.

In your case, you offered a lunch tomorrow and your mum said no. Maybe she said no because she was sulking about not being included in the other plans. Maybe she said no because she realised you have a lot on and she doesn’t want to add to it. Don’t second guess her thoughts, take this at face value and allow yourself to enjoy your other plans.

Original poster

Inforgotten · 30/01/2026 23:47

sittingonabeach · 30/01/2026 20:54

How old is she?

Why doesn’t she have many friends any more? Did she put her life on hold to look after grandchildren?

No. She has friends but she doesn’t really engage with them for golf, walks, fitness etc. She takes the view that that ‘isn’t me’ so she doesn’t and never has participated. She meets them
for drinks / dinner.

She definitely adored looking after the grandchildren, loved being that involved in their lives - school gate for 3 days a week etc. Maybe she gave herself too much to it, but it was only ever 3 days/afternoons a week so certainly not something that would take over your life.

OP posts:

Original poster

Inforgotten · 30/01/2026 23:49

RudolphRNR · 30/01/2026 21:17

Huge sympathy, I am in exactly the same position with my mum. A big part of it as the (wonderfully named) Fuzzy Puffling says is that often my mum is sad and it presents as sulking. I try to be patient with that, but the guilt is hard to bear and frustrating.

When I’ve asked others for advice on this in the past everyone is so quick to shout that mum needs to go out and make her own friends. The thing is, my mum does go out, she does two volunteering jobs, she sings in a choir, she goes to the U3A, she sees people at all of these activities. But none of those friendships are what she wants, because since losing my dad she is sad, lonely, anxious and scared, and all she wants is to be with the people she loves the most - that is me and my sibling.

Grief and loneliness seem to hit her harder in the evening, so in my mum’s case, one evening with me is worth more than a week of lunches with others.

I’m not offering a solution here, just flagging that when people say you don’t owe your mum anything and she needs her own friends, it often doesn’t help to hear that. I try to work on managing my feelings of guilt. When the guilt creeps in I remind myself that I have my own life to lead, my mum is part of my life, and a big part, but not the only part. I’m entitled to enjoy my time with other people, I’m entitled to enjoy time alone to myself. If I am not seeing my mum I don’t allow myself to spend the evening feeling guilty that I’m not seeing her, because then my evening would be wasted. I’ve really had to toughen up with my own feelings around this situation.

In your case, you offered a lunch tomorrow and your mum said no. Maybe she said no because she was sulking about not being included in the other plans. Maybe she said no because she realised you have a lot on and she doesn’t want to add to it. Don’t second guess her thoughts, take this at face value and allow yourself to enjoy your other plans.

Thanks @RudolphRNR , that’s very thoughtful advice.

Would you spend a lot of evenings with your DM. I think I am realising that this is what she needs from me.

OP posts:

RudolphRNR · 31/01/2026 01:02

I spend averagely one evening a week with her, that’s all I can manage combined with everything else in my life. But it’s not set in stone, sometimes it’s no evenings for a couple of weeks, sometimes I arrange a weekend away. What I do though, is make sure I am really present with her when I am there - quality time. Unlike my brother, who will arrive saying ‘I can’t stay long’ and will scroll his phone instead of having much conversation.

AGirlCalledJohnny · 31/01/2026 02:17

RudolphRNR · 31/01/2026 01:02

I spend averagely one evening a week with her, that’s all I can manage combined with everything else in my life. But it’s not set in stone, sometimes it’s no evenings for a couple of weeks, sometimes I arrange a weekend away. What I do though, is make sure I am really present with her when I am there - quality time. Unlike my brother, who will arrive saying ‘I can’t stay long’ and will scroll his phone instead of having much conversation.

RudolphRNR you are one wise bird. Your people are lucky to have you

BlueMum16 · 31/01/2026 08:54

RudolphRNR · 30/01/2026 21:17

Huge sympathy, I am in exactly the same position with my mum. A big part of it as the (wonderfully named) Fuzzy Puffling says is that often my mum is sad and it presents as sulking. I try to be patient with that, but the guilt is hard to bear and frustrating.

When I’ve asked others for advice on this in the past everyone is so quick to shout that mum needs to go out and make her own friends. The thing is, my mum does go out, she does two volunteering jobs, she sings in a choir, she goes to the U3A, she sees people at all of these activities. But none of those friendships are what she wants, because since losing my dad she is sad, lonely, anxious and scared, and all she wants is to be with the people she loves the most - that is me and my sibling.

Grief and loneliness seem to hit her harder in the evening, so in my mum’s case, one evening with me is worth more than a week of lunches with others.

I’m not offering a solution here, just flagging that when people say you don’t owe your mum anything and she needs her own friends, it often doesn’t help to hear that. I try to work on managing my feelings of guilt. When the guilt creeps in I remind myself that I have my own life to lead, my mum is part of my life, and a big part, but not the only part. I’m entitled to enjoy my time with other people, I’m entitled to enjoy time alone to myself. If I am not seeing my mum I don’t allow myself to spend the evening feeling guilty that I’m not seeing her, because then my evening would be wasted. I’ve really had to toughen up with my own feelings around this situation.

In your case, you offered a lunch tomorrow and your mum said no. Maybe she said no because she was sulking about not being included in the other plans. Maybe she said no because she realised you have a lot on and she doesn’t want to add to it. Don’t second guess her thoughts, take this at face value and allow yourself to enjoy your other plans.

This is so accurate for my DM and has made me cry to see if described so well.

It's that safety net having a husband for many years gave and now not having it and wanting the next best thing, family not friends.

I call my mum most days but my siblings only manages once a week. Mum comes for tea once a week but sibling only visits about 3 times a year. It's so hard being the one to do it all and not feeling guilty.

FuzzyPuffling · 31/01/2026 10:23

Esther Rantzen , after being widowed, said " I have plenty of people to do something with, but nobody to do nothing with".

I think that sums it up..

AgathaQuiztee · 31/01/2026 10:37

I have a very similar situation with my DM. My step-dad died 19 years ago and she moved to be near me and my young family. As she’s grown older (she’ll be 80 next year) she’s become more and more needy. She’ll tell me she hasn’t spoken to anyone all day. I’m in a constant state of guilt regarding her.

I started going over one evening a week to have dinner and watch something like bake off with her as well as usually seeing her over the weekend. Despite this she’d say she hardly sees me and I’m always busy. I have a full time job, DH and 3 dcs.

I don’t know what the answer is. I love my mum and hate to see her unhappy. She has made a life for herself and is involved in groups and has friends. But it is the everyday company of a partner she misses. Just having someone there and there’s nothing I can do about that.

Original poster

Inforgotten · 31/01/2026 12:23

Yes I think that’s it. I do generally call in at least one evening a week (often two) but it’s for an hour whereas I think i need to carve out a whole evening for a meal/tv etc and then perhaps coffee or shops at the weekend.

Its that companionship she is missing

OP posts:

Daffidale · 31/01/2026 12:48

How old are your DC now? You said she loved doing the school pick ups etc… Even though you don’t need that anymore is there anything like that she could be involved in? If they’re teenagers now could then drop by and visit after school sometimes, maybe she could feed them dinner once a week or something?

Original poster

Inforgotten · 31/01/2026 16:04

17 and 14 - they could be better and are

She lives close , a short bus ride away but not around the corner so with activities etc not all that easy.

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NeededANameChangeAnyway · 31/01/2026 16:17

I think there just is guilt and you have to accept it! My DM is in the same boat - widowed 10 years ago, moved with us to a completely different part of the country and has tried really hard to make friends and she does have people who include her on things but they aren't strong friendships sadly, just folk she goes for cups of tea or a lunch with. So she really only has us and my ds is a teenager now who is really good at seeing his granny but is also busy / asleep / on the Xbox and DH and I are at work full time.

She mentioned the other day she hasn't been up to our house since new year (she lives literally round the corner) but she had been invited loads, just hadn't come because of the snow, then the weather, then everyone is back to school and work and suddenly weeks have passed.

It's hard to fit everything in and I do feel guilty but no matter your circumstances you only have so much free time....

Miranda65 · 31/01/2026 16:17

It's not your job to entertain your mother, OP. Does she not have friends? (You say "very few", but that means that there are some).