Do you judge no contact children of single elderly parents?

[Onekidnoclue]

Inspired by another thread where someone asked how people would view a parent with two NC children.
Im in therapy and hoping to get the resilience and coping mechanisms to go no contact with my mother (only parent). She has a lot of friends, some for decades. My sisters are in contact with her. Shes a wealthy woman who provided a materially rich childhood (private school, horse, luxury holidays etc) and can be very charming. She volunteers for charities and has helped friends financially. She has never physically or sexually abused me.
I believe she is a deeply unpleasant person who has made my life extremely unhappy (either through emotional neglect or abuse) and I want to cut her out so there’s no risk she could hurt my child. her friends don’t know this, they’re her friends, I don’t have an independent relationship with them.

If you were friends with someone like her. Friends for decades, see her charity work and material provision etc would you think I was cruel to cut her out of my life? Would you assumed I’d acted because I wanted to hurt her or just didn’t want to provide care in her old age? Or would you wonder if she wasn’t the person you thought after all these years?

thank you.
YABU I’d think you were being unkind and ungrateful
YANBU I’d wonder what she’d done that forced you into this position.

They'll just take her side, she'll paint you as a troubled pita and then play the victim so don't let their opinions be a factor.

People I know who are nc are often as upset as when in contact. Low contact seems a better way, just occasional texts without the finality of being nc?

Not in the slightest.

I was nc with my f from 16 to the day he died - with good cause. Family relationships are no-one else's concern.

Why would you care what her friends think of you? They are strangers to you, why is their opinion relevant to your choice?

No. I would judge the elderly parent if anything

I'm NC with my widowed mother.

I had judgement at first, but I was her scapegoat for nearly 40 years, and she was always way more abusive when I was isolated with her so people only ever saw the tip of the iceberg. Without me to focus her abuse on she has become a lot harder work for those around her, and some relatives who were previously vocally judgemental of my decision have now seen her for what she is, and are fully supportive of me.

Do what you need to do for you, and trust the process. It takes time, but you will feel better (and wish you'd made the decision years ago!!).

You do not need your mum's friends to have a good opinion of you. You do not require their approval or consent to do what you need to do to protect your child and yourself.

Most people will go by what's in front of them and are heavily biased by former relationships and experiences.

If someone thinks your mother's a lovely person who treated you well and she is upset by your going NC then it is likely they will judge rather than consider an alternative.

It's human nature and you're not going to change it.

The question is whether you're going to let it put you off.

I think every family has different dynamics. I wouldn’t judge either side. Families can be complex. Not my business to judge.

The only people I know of who are full no contact are my mum's husband's children from his first marriage (I refuse to call him my stepfather). I don't blame them. They cut him off when he left their mum - and the years revealed a very unpleasant, vile alcoholic so they were wise to take the opportunity to get out of his life when they did. He is now a drooling wreck in a care home. My mum will defend him up hill and back - how wonderful he is, how cruel they were. Yeah, right.
So judging from my experience, I assume children have a very good reason for going no contact (Team Brooklyn here )

This. Do you live close enough to your mother that you even see or know these people? If you are not in contact with her and have no independent relationship with them, then presumably you will never cross their path so I wouldn’t give a moments thought to what they are thinking about you.

Nope, not at all. I am totally no contact with my own mother. I probably won’t even attend her funeral. Her need to keep up her own appearances has significantly harmed my own family unit. It took my five decades to realise that my mother actually has never liked me. Mainly because she has struggled to control me. Unlike my sibling, a middle-aged man, who phones her about 57 times a year and uses her as an emotional support human. They are horribly enmeshed. I want no part of it. My mother has variously told her neighbours and cleaners etc that I am terminally ill with cancer and/or recovering from a mental health breakdown. Neither of these is true. What is true is that she is a self-absorbed woman who has only ever valued me and my sibling for our academic achievements. He went to Oxbridge so he is the golden boy.

If you want to cut contact then do so but why are you worried what others will think? Would your sisters be upset, would your child? That’s all that matter not random people from your mums life.

Thank you. The “why do you care?” question is valid and I hadn’t actually asked myself this!
there are two parts to it. I don’t hate my mother. I hate the effect she’s had on me. I don’t wish her ill or to have a miserable life and I wouldn’t want her to be “dumped” by all her friends because I couldn’t cope with being in contact with her any longer.
secondly, while I don’t have an independent relationship with her friends I have a huge amount of respect for a couple of them. I struggle in general with being a people pleaser and find the idea that people who have known me since I was a child would think I had done something callous.

Yes. The only person who needs to approve of your decision is you. Absolutely her friends will think you're a dreadful, undutiful daughter, but bluntly, so what? Are you going to let them dictate what you do?

My mother was recently shocked and condemning of how short my cousin's eulogy was at his father, her brother's, funeral. It was short because they had a difficult relationship, and because undiagnosed but fairly clearly inherited MH issues in the father (of which my mother seems unaware) had made for a very challenging upbringing.

I respected my cousin's decision not to lie and pretend everything in the garden was lovely, and to pay tribute where he could, meaning that he simply didn't have much to say. It was affectionate but short. To my mother, nothing excuses being anything other than dutifully filial at 'respectable' length. Nothing excuses not loving your parents, no matter what they do.

I feel differently.

I’m completely no contact with my mum. I don’t care what she, my family or her friends think. I’m sure she knows deep down how much of a failure she is, but on the surface she’ll claim she’s innocent and I’m just a trouble maker.

I think you've hit the nail on the head that most people don't hate those that they are nc with, they actually love them but need to put their own wellbeing first as the relationship can cause such hurt and disappointment.
Good luck whatever you decide .

No, I don't judge them.

I'm such a (46yo) "child" and would happily invite you to try some aspects of my generation's childhood.

In answer to the other questions. Would my child and sisters struggle?
my child not at all.
my sisters yes and they’d be pissed at having the fallout from her but they would completely understand. Part of the reason I’m taking this step now is that I’ve always been the scapegoat and my mother is trying to “promote” me to golden child as the golden sister has limited contact with her. I found the unpleasant comments and digs easier to deal with than the faux affection and slagging off my sister.

I’d think it was none of my business and that we don’t know what happens behind closed doors.
Just like the Beckhams really although there’s been a lot of speculation and judgement on here.
I hope you find what you need.

I would understand that there are generally good reasons why people go NC with a parent and would not judge you for pulling yourself free. In fact, I would admire your bravery and spirit.

No-one knows what goes on behind closed doors. My M is very religious and a pillar of the community. If only they knew... I learned not long ago that I cannot change the past and I certainly cannot change how she behaves and speaks. But what I CAN change is how I react to it and that is a powerful tool indeed.

Have you found the long-running Stately Homes threads on MN? They're for people with toxic families who are trying to break and keep free. Named because the original creator's parents justified years of abuse and cruelty when confronted with the glib "well, we took you to lots of National Trust places". Latest one here - SEPTEMBER 2025 - Well we took you to Stately Homes | Mumsnet; they're a wealth of solidarity, advice and understanding. I can also recommend the Out of the Fog website - Out of the FOG - Index.

Very best wishes to you @Onekidnoclue - your mother's friends may judge, but parcel that up with the way she's treated you. They all sit in the same bitter little boat together so drop the rope, let them all float away, before they drag you under. You can do it. It may get harder as your M ages and people try to guilt you into providing elderly care. You don't have to do this. Your M had choices as an adult. She chose to treat you badly. So she must deal with the consequences of her choices. I wish you free and happier times ahead. x

I'd think there are two sides to every story. It takes a lot of courage and upset to go nc, so no one does it without good reason.

My husband is NC with his parents now and having lived through that experience with him I honestly would never give a second thought to someone who had chosen to go NC with their parents. Even if those parents were my friends and I liked them I can appreciate that someone can be a really good friend and at the same time be a really shitty parent.

Just cut down on visits and phone calls. Don't say anything about it to her. She may not even notice.

As someone (aged 51) who had a miserable emotionally neglected childhood, I would not judge any adult child that goes non-contact with their parent. I am in contact with my parents out of duty, but I feel very little for them.

Im judged for going nc

To the outside world,shes perfect

She does a lot of volunteer work,is very charming,would help anyone and easy to talk to

Under that mask,shes very bitter,nasty,sly and two faced-shes a narcissist

She had me marked out as the scapegoat from birth-she simply didnt love me,shes incapable of it

I went nc and the smear campaign as been awful

I have to hear that im an alcoholic,have a personality disorder,a druggie,an unpaid sex worker,a liar,a thief,a nasty bitch,I deserved all the shit that happened to me over the years and am incapable of being loved

People who have known me all my life,believe this shit as its easier to 'keep in' with her and not rock the boat (or it will be their turn)

I have rebuilt my family via dps family and my friends and take the stance that 'those who know me,love me and those that dont,dont matter'

Still stings but I feel no guilt and won't be providing any care in their old age (the outrage!im a woman!I should know my place and be pleased they would allow me to wipe their arses-the payback is zero inheritance,i dont really give a fuck) nor will I go to their funerals (I wouldn't be welcome anyway)

I'd drop everything for my mil-shes taken me in,loved me like her own with zero judgement (she doesnt understand but doesnt judge) and is the most amazing woman I've ever met-shes my hero