Do you judge no contact children of single elderly parents?

[Onekidnoclue]

Inspired by another thread where someone asked how people would view a parent with two NC children.
Im in therapy and hoping to get the resilience and coping mechanisms to go no contact with my mother (only parent). She has a lot of friends, some for decades. My sisters are in contact with her. Shes a wealthy woman who provided a materially rich childhood (private school, horse, luxury holidays etc) and can be very charming. She volunteers for charities and has helped friends financially. She has never physically or sexually abused me.
I believe she is a deeply unpleasant person who has made my life extremely unhappy (either through emotional neglect or abuse) and I want to cut her out so there’s no risk she could hurt my child. her friends don’t know this, they’re her friends, I don’t have an independent relationship with them.

If you were friends with someone like her. Friends for decades, see her charity work and material provision etc would you think I was cruel to cut her out of my life? Would you assumed I’d acted because I wanted to hurt her or just didn’t want to provide care in her old age? Or would you wonder if she wasn’t the person you thought after all these years?

thank you.
YABU I’d think you were being unkind and ungrateful
YANBU I’d wonder what she’d done that forced you into this position.

No, I don't judge people that go NC. I know that most people love their families and would only cut them off for serious reasons.

You can't countrol what other people do or think.

To answer your part 1: If your actions alone cause your mother's friends to dump her, they were never her friends. People understand that there are two sides to every tale and families are complicated. It's very improbable to impossible that your mother's longstanding friendships could be destroyed by you

To answer your part 2: Again most people understand that there are two sides to every tale and families are complicated. However if they do think badly of you, firstly how would you ever know? Are they interfering or rude enough to reach out to you in order to tell you off?
And secondly, why should the opinion of anyone at all prevent you from protecting your children and yourself? Why are you giving these echos from your past more importantance in your life than your children or yourself?

YABU to even worry about this tbh - you say yourself you don’t have a relationship with these people so who cares what they think if you - they don’t know you. They will probably become her flying monkeys and try and get you to talk to her which is enraging.

I am biased towards believing people who set boundaries have good reasons.

as someone who has set boundaries, I will say I am a fan of the fade vs the burnt bridge. It is just easier to implement with so much less drama. You don’t get rid of them completely, but you still get emotional distance. It’s easier if you are separated geographically.

I'd assume the child had good reason to be NC. But, if I was happy with my relationship with the parent, I'd stay friends with them. I'd accept that my friendship was entirely separate to the adult/child relationship.

But, in your case, you are presumably never going to have anything to do with these friends if you go NC with your mother. So accept that they can say what they like about you behind your back.

Absolutely not. People don’t become nice and cuddly just because they are old!

No I don't. I know from personal experience that if a parent/child relationship breaks down to that extent, it's because things have gone very very wrong. I was NC with my father from my late teens, and did it at the first opportunity and without hesitation. I never saw him again. TBH I was ready from the age of about 8 but obviously as a young child, it's impossible. I had nowhere else to go other than home, and unfortunately there was a monster living in mine. My relationships with the rest of his family collapsed alongside.

I am LC with my mother, and yes, she's getting old now. I haven't seen her in over a year. Neither of us has made any effort to arrange contact. Do I owe her? I don't know. I grew up in a violent and abusive home. It was awful. Sometimes, my mother coped by being awful to me. More than sometimes, she leaned on me for emotional support. There was enormous pressure to pretend that everything was fine and I was unaffected by seeing her abused, listening to her cry in the middle of the night, that I wasn't terrified by my father's rages, to be a good, obedient child. I self harmed, pulled my own hair out, suffered from crippling anxiety and selective mutism. My mother didn't notice. Through into adulthood, it became increasingly apparent that our relationship has remained on the same footing. What matters is what she wants and what I can do for her. She's treated my youngest child very badly (and tried to get the eldest to call her mummy). I cannot give her what she wants from me, and she cannot give me what I need from a mother. Interestingly, she does seem to have a very good relationship with step sibling. I don't know if we can ever have a good relationship. The history - the things I have seen, the fact that I am the child of the man who horribly abused her, the fact that I have to live with myself knowing that she chose to give me that man as my father- I don't know how we could ever have a healthy, functioning relationship.

FWIW my mother doesn't seem to enjoy my company. I'm not sure she even likes me very much.

Thank you for all the replies. I really appreciate people taking the time. I’m so sorry so many people have had shit parents!
in answer to the suggestions about going low contact as she might not notice she absolutely would. I’m a doormat who does a lot for her and is her primary emotional crutch. Plus I’m successful and wealthy which is hugely important to her and she wants the credit for these. I’m not saying this as a gloat. I don’t really think they’re things to be wildly proud of tbh. I have a skill set which is connected to a very well paid job and I’ve been fortunate to have always earned well. She really values material wealth so this is worth showing off. She won’t give up contact without a fight if nothing else she’d need to work out how to use Ocado!

I reckon some of her decent friends wouldn’t be remotely surprised. But it doesn’t matter either way, you don’t need their approval, or anyone else’s

My Friend is 83 and in a nursing home. His sone has had minimal contact over the years. He feels he was abandoned by his dad after his parents divorced. In the 20 years I’ve known my friend, he’s made absolutely no effort to visit his family, or have a relationship with the granddaughter he claims to love. My parents think his son is awful for not caring. I don’t blame him at all.

Do it.
I wouldn't judge you.
Block all numbers and pay for good therapy to support you through this.
Do not concern you about the reactions of her friends, that is their business.
You mind yourself and your child.

Conversely I have a lovely friend whose only child went no contact after years of doing everything together (as in holidays by choice and living together etc). This happened soon after the child found a new partner. I fully judge the child as my friend used to ask to be told, even by letter, what she has done and no answers have ever been given. I think it's incredibly cruel to separate yourself and for the left behind person to never know why. Everyone on here is saying there must be a perfectly good reason to go NC and it will always be the parent's fault, I don't agree that that is the case. Sounds like it is in your situation though, if your mother deserves to know why then please let her know.

Thank you for this reply. I am struggling with the what to say issue. While I completely understand that cutting off contact with no explanation seems cruel I’m not sure that the alternative is better. Should I provide her with a list of issues I’ve had? Tell her the way her behaviour has impacted me? It’s a long list going back decades and for someone who cared about their child it would be extremely hurtful to hear. For someone who doesn’t care and passionately hates to be blamed and refuses to accept responsibility it would be a pointless exercise. I also don’t want to give the inaccurate view that she can apologise and it’s all forgiven. I don’t want an apology. She’s lied so much her words wouldn’t have a value for me.

i have taken on board your comment though and i am still working on what is best to say to her.

Honestly, why does it matter what they think of you? You don't know these people, and if you cut your mother out of your life you are never going to have any contact with them.

Do what's best for you, and don't give a second thought to what these people might think.

If you go no contact please don’t turn up at her funeral though.

Neither, I’d think that no one knows what goes on (or doesn’t) behind closed doors.

I don’t think the answer to your question is either/or.
If a friend’s child went no contact then I’d wonder why and speculate as to who was at fault. I wouldn’t just assume anything as I’ve know people go NC over something as simple as a lawnmower and something as awful as abuse.

Not sure that callling 57 times a year is particularly enmeshed it's mostly a call once a week.

Thanks for pointing out my error. That should have read 57 times a DAY!

Speaking from experience. She will talk bad of you to gain sympathy but deep down her friends will know there are two sides to every story.

whether to tell her what’s bothering you or not is a difficult one and depends on the person she is. Would she turn everything around and blame you?

Yes, i’d want to know those reasons. I think there’s nothing worse than not knowing.

Before going NC could you possibly have an open and honest conversation with your mum?
See how that goes and maybe low contact ?

No, but her friends will as they will only get her side of the story. Echoing that this should not be a factor in your decision.

I think only families know the whole situation, so no point in others getting involved. 🤷‍♀️