MIL sadly annoys me to no end

[BanksianRose]

Hello everyone,

I just wanted to get your opinion on whether or not I‘m the one being unreasonable here. Sorry for the long post. I used to get on quite well with my MIL, she always used to get involved quite a lot but I did start ignoring it and not taking it too seriously. She also always said to me that she should be allowed to voice her opinion which I found weird but ok, I guess.

But since we’ve moved back to my DH hometown and had a baby she really did turn it up a notch. She has already called me a bad mum and everytime I see her I‘m doing sth wrong or she tells me that I definitely have to do whatever she says otherwise our daughter will turn out like whatever bad example she comes up with. She also told me to go back to work and pay her so she can retire early to look after her and that she missed out on so much while her sons were little.

There are just so many other things where she wanted to be involved and I just did not want her there. I really did struggle with nausea when I was pregnant for basically the entire time and apparently there were some issues with our daughter that we had to get checked out at several specialists. But everytime we went to an ultrasound, she went on and on about how unfair it is that she will never be part of that bc she only has sons. But it was only me and my DH. And we had enough issues already. Like finding out whether or not she had a hole in her heart. Daughter is fine now though, but everytime we went to an ultrasound sth else looked suspicious and I was anxious the whole pregnancy.

She also always mentions how she will have her over all the time or that other people apparently tell her that she should be able to see our daughter everday and that I‘m mean because I don‘t visit her everyday. There have been so many other occasions as well where she belittled me and manipulated me.

It has gone so far that I only send my DH over to her with our daughter bc I just can’t look at her anymore. Even her other son and my DH say that they are proud of me for drawing a line. But I still feel bad for her bc my mum sees our daughter more often and watches her when we go out even though she lives further away. She‘s still her Granny so I don‘t know if I‘m just a bit sensitive.

Thanks everyone :)

You’re not responsible for your mil reliving her parenthood just because she missed so much when her sons were small.

I really would not put up with being called a bad mother. How dare she? Call her out.

I’m not sure why you’re allowing access to your daughter when this woman insults you.

I wouldn’t involve her in your lives if all she can do is be rude and entitled. Keep your boundaries firm. And look out for any poisonous words she says to your dd about you.

You’re not required to spend time with anyone who is actively unpleasant to you. She sounds as though she is perfectly well aware that she isn’t nice to you and just expects you to suck it up. That’s on her. It wouldn’t be good for your daughter, when she’s older, to have to listen to her grandmother being rude to her mother.
Where does your DH stand on this? Does he acknowledge that his mother is difficult and unkind to you? This is really a matter for him. If he wants to let his mother know that her treatment of you is unacceptable, he can. You don’t need to do anything except continue to protect your peace from someone who’s horrible to you.

I’d honestly start saving up to move further away again if possible. She sounds like a loon.

Well done for removing yourself from her nonsense but I doubt it will stop. Now you’ll be ‘mean mummy who won’t let baby and grandma have time together’.

Why isn't your DH stopping her nonsense?

Stand up for yourself politely and make sure your boundaries are reasonable but rock solid.

Eventually you will be able to train her into better behaviour.

Don’t feel bad for her, she’s horrible to you!

It’s mad how many people don’t realise that if they’re unpleasant to people, people wont like spending time with them! It’s basic common sense to me but the world is full of these idiots.

My DH stands firmly behind me however she only comes out with stuff like that when he‘s not around. He has offered to talk to her and tell her to leave me alone but I know she would not let that stand and she‘d gaslight me to believe that I‘m soft or that I‘m just different to them. I don’t really want to put up with that.

A good relationship, whoever it is, is about maintaining respect. She’s not respecting your life, your family or your feelings.
my son, partner and tot live 3 doors away and I’ve not seen them all week because they get on with their life and we get on with ours. We’re here, they know that, and I look after their dogs three days a week.
Mumsnet is full of family issues. Just get on with things, being around enough of when needed.

That’s what I don’t get. I try to be nice to absolutely everyone I meet and they are usually so nice in return. Why does she not see that it’s just easier to be nice. I would have loved to spend time with her and my daughter.

Everyone else we know is so kind and happy for us. I just don’t understand the dynamics behind it as well. I‘ve never met anyone like her.

Why are you so scared of her?

Why can't your DH talk to her in front of you? She isn't going to gaslight you in front of him.

I honestly do not know. I‘m just scared of confrontation. Taking a step back and leaving my DH to sort the visits has been hard enough already. I feel like I‘m letting her down which is stupid bc she has been treating me horribly.

I'd be inclined to tell her that you're sorry she didn't get to enjoy motherhood as much as she would have liked, but that doesn't entitle her to try and take over your child, or to criticise your parenting, and if she continues to do so, she will not be having ANY contact with your child.

As an older woman, I can understand how hard it can be when your child bearing days are over, which is why so many of us are keen to become grandparents. Unfortunately, it's something we all have to come to terms with though, and if she were nicer to you, you would be far more likely to allow her to spend time with your little one, in the same way that you're happy to let your own Mum. However, by bad mouthing you to your face, it makes it clear that she has no filter for her feelings, and is likely to bad mouth you to your child as time goes by. Bearing this in mind, I think in your shoes, I would have a conversation about the possibility of this happening with your DH, and tell him that you would expect him to back you in putting a stop to all contact between your child and his mother, if you so much as get a hint that this is going on. Lay out your boundaries now, so that he's prepared, then maybe he will tell his mother to be VERY careful about what she says to your child, as being rude about you to them, would be the last straw.

I think it would be helpful to get some therapy or some counselling to work out why you feel this way. You are finding it difficult to set boundaries and stand up for yourself. It is important to do that for yourself and as an example for your DC.

I‘m already in therapy working on it. That’s how I was able to make my DH responsible for the visits and actually talk to him about how that whole situation makes me feel. It’s a process but I‘m working on it. My therapist has actually called my MIL my master bc I can learn so much from her. But I still feel bad for her you know. That’s why I did this post. That guilt is eating me alive sometimes. I just need to know if other people would be as annoyed as I am. Bc my therapist is always in my corner.

Even her other son and my DH say that they are proud of me for drawing a line.

So your DH has said he will speak to her...and you have said no?

So what do you want? People don't change by magic because you are wringing your hands.

I would ask your DH to tell her firmly and clearly that you are both good parents, that you will ask for her advice if you need it and that his job is to be a team with his wife and care for his child and if she gives out any more nonsense she will lose you all.

Just let him do it.

What do you have to lose?

You have years of extended family business ahead of you.

You need a new therapist

Unfortunately, I think you made a massive mistake moving back to your DH's home town. I would honestly look at moving further away from MIL. And it sounds like your DH wants to support you, so I would let him.

Everytime I tried to say sth she completely ignored it or tried to convince me to think I was rude, soft
, different from them etc. She completely disregards every single one of my opinions.

I think that confrontation would be huge and I‘m not sure if I feel comfortable with that yet. I feel like I would lash out bc this is so emotional for me and that it could ruin everything long term and burn bridges. That’s why I’m holding out right now.

I‘m basically working on what to say with my therapist and I definitely do want to speak to her at one point. However, I‘m not confident enough yet.

No, I don't think you're over sensitive. Your MiL sounds very difficult. I think if you can, the best way to deal with her is with some straight talking (she's apparantly a fan of speaking her mind, so fight fire with fire).
Tell her very clearly the things she is doing and saying that are a problem for you, and ask her to stop. Tell her that criticising your parenting makes you feel uncomfortable round her and this is why you're not so keen on seeing her. Tell her you will include her where you are comfortable if your relationship can be improved.
It probably won't work, but you will have been clear and honest and if in future she feels sidelined, you will have told her why that is.

Exactly. Or at least keeping schtum.

Well, you have the rare advantage of a supportive DH in a very common Mumsnet MIL scenario, so if you decline his intervening with her, then nothing is going to improve.
So what if, after an initial reprimand, she ‘gaslights’ you? You are a grown woman, and can arrange another filial ticking off for her.
But since you’d know by then that her unacceptable attitude has been brought hime to her, there is no reason why you couldn’t pick up the baton and fight your own corner.
If you do nothing, you are deciding to keep a ‘bad’ MIL and just feel hard done by!

Much good advice here OP and I’m glad to hear you have an impartial audience in your therapist to help you with this MIL behavior.
3 things….
whilst your MIL is allowed to have an opinion she doesn’t have universal rights to always tell you her opinion. Only if you ask for her opinion (which is often just another way of giving advice)

You OP hold the ACE…the baby. Whilst I’m not encouraging weaponization of the baby you are in fact by being her DM the gatekeeper to your baby. Plenty of MN feel either blocked from DGC by DIL or DIL limits contact to what she wants…not MIL. You do in fact have the power of parenthood because you are the parent. Whilst it would be fantastic for DH to rectify this we all know DHs can’t always stand up to DM. Be the master of your home which includes your dc. She’s not your master and do not allow this idea of her as master to insidiously seep into your mind/life/children.

lastly do not allow her or anyone to call you a bad mother. Loudly confidently and make her uncomfortable while you state…do not ever name call me again.

So for clarity
Has your DH actually verbally said anything to his mother (with or without you present) about the fact she called you a bad mother!!!! 😲

Which i think is a horrendous thing in general but especially awful to say to new 1st time mums.

You don’t have to have a “huge confrontation” OP. Stay polite and say what ever you want with a smile, so no one can say you were agressive or rude.

“I’m fine with being different, wouldnt it be boring if we were all the same”

”DH and I are happy with our parenting decisions” <smile>

As for “persuades you thst you are wrong, soft etc” she can only persuade you if you engage in the argument. Don’t defend yourself. Just state your boundary politely and stick to it.

If my MIL had called me a bad mother, she wouldn't have seen me or my children again! Grow a backbone OP and tell this woman to do one. You have absolutely no need to feel guilty, she should be the one feeling guilty because she's driven her family away. I'd tell your DH he can go and see her if he likes but you don't want her toxicity around you or your child.