I hate a work colleague

[Work11]

Writing on mumsnet really helps me process my emotions and get over things quicker. There is a colleague I have nothing to do with thank God but occasionally see her she’s vile, really miserable, aggressive and rude. It’s not just me others refer to her as the “miserable one”. I’m quiet and shy and I have to for some reason say good morning to everyone I see in work as it’s my nature. She ignores me and just glares. On Tuesday she had an issue - I don’t want to talk about it on here in detail as will be identifying as I know my colleagues go on mumsnet! But basically something along the lines of something was booked for me but she likes it better so demanded I swap with her. I explained I can’t as would need higher up permission but she smirked at me abd said “no you don’t”. Others witnessed this as said she was being aggressive and I did the right thing.

i have an inability to be disliked and have any issues so I contacted manager and asked if things could be swapped around and I’m happy for it to be swamped. I cc’d her in and no response from her considering I went out of my way to help her out! Wednesday it was agreed and manager cc’d her in about the change. Again she didn’t reach out to thank me. I saw her yesterday as I was heading out and told her about the change and the email and she looked at me up and down slowly and said “what u on about?” I got tongue tied and said the change has been made and she just replied “ok”.

I feel really angry at myself for being so meek and a pushover and not standing up to her. I should have just left it but she was inconvenienced not me. She could have at least thanked me for taking time out of my day to fix the issue she had.Please help me get over this as I don’t want to think about it anymore. I want to enjoy the weekend with my kids

She's a terrible person.

Never do anything for her again.

If she speaks to you just look at her blankly and walk off. Don't acknowledge her.

Urgh, don't do her any more favours. You tried, she again showed you who she is, the end. I've had colleagues like this. I now let them just get on with it. Don't let her spoil your weekend!

Give her the same energy back, if she ever asks you to do something for her again just stare blankly at her and say "what are you talking about?" Or just literally say "no". It'll be hard the first couple of times but you absolutely do NOT need to be liked by her. Your other colleagues obviously like you because they were supportive towards you so you don't need to worry about her trying to influence them. I'm certain they all know exactly what she's like.

You don't work directly with her so just stay out of her way.

Say "morning" because you're not a rude cunt like her but don't give it a second thought it she doesn't say it back.

In future, if she asks or demands similar things (swapping things around), just say "No". Don't explain. Don't apologise. Just say "No that won't work for me".

You say she's vile to everyone but you acted like a complete doormat and showed her that you're more than happy to take whatever she throws at you. More fool you.

And you don't "have an inability to be disliked". You just don't want to be disliked. That's a stressful way to live. You'll end up giving more and more of yourself to more and more people. Stop it. Get some self-respect and some boundaries. Get comfortable with not caring what people think of you.

Also don't apologise to her for anything, don't say "sorry I can't do that" because that will cement her idea that she's the victim. Just say "no, I can't do that" and turn away from her.

You seem to have a problem OP in feeling a need to accept bad behaviour because this is 'your nature'. It is more likely something you have learned to do. A few sessions of therapy might help you stand your ground better rather than wanting unpleasant people be nice to you.

She sounds manipulative and unpleasant. Be professional but don't go out of your way for her again. Any requests like that in future refer her to your manager 'you'll need to contact xxx about that' - end of discussion. I've had a similar colleague and that's how I dealt with her.

Well look, she’s a bully and you’re a pushover. Until you stand up for yourself this will keep happening.

You were under no obligation to change the planned thing. If she wanted it changed she should have gone to your manager herself. But she didn’t because she knew you’d do it for her and make it sound like you were the one who wanted the change.

dont speak to her. Doesn’t sound like you have a lot to do with her so just ignore and next time she approaches you for a favour, say no.

regain control of your boundaries.

she holds nothing over you.

She sounds awful.

But you don’t ‘have’ to say good morning to everyone and you don’t have an ‘inability to be disliked’. Not everyone is going to like you. You need to stop caring.

You said yourself that you have nothing to do with her. Just ignore her and anything she asks for. Simply do not reply.

Say good morning when you see her, smile nicely, and have no further interaction with her.

You've experimented with giving her what she wants. You've learned it doesn't improve the working relationship. So no need to blame yourself. You've learned something. And no need to do it again

Forget about her now - she's not your problem - and enjoy your weekend with your kids.

What would you advise one of your kids when they’re older if they were in a similar situation?

do that!

She isn’t going to like you no matter what so don’t go out of your way for her in anything.

Also. Laugh at her. Internally is fine - I don't mean mock her loudly in her presence. But learn to think of her as ridiculous. It will help you relax and not take her personally

To be honest it sounds like you've got bigger issues than this one woman.

Everyone has one arsey colleague or more, but your "inability to be disliked" and what sounds like a compulsive "need to say hello to everyone" despite not being able to explain why, (whilst also being quiet and shy?) probably leads to some pretty extreme people pleasing. If you go to this much effort to swap something for someone you don't even like, and grt this upset about a non-event, what do you for everyone else in your life?

It's possible that by going so hard in trying to make everyone like you you're actually irritating them. Your manager for example almost definitely had better things to do than faff around approving changes for no actual business reason and probably wishes you'd just let arsey colleague moan, particularly as she doesn't actually seem to care about the swap anyway!

As pps have said just grey rock colleague from now on but I really think you need to use this as a turning point.

AI is also very good for working through work disagreements.

Chalk it up to experience and move on. Never offer to do anything for her, don't get drawn into discussion. You can say I've given you my answer, I won't be discussing this further.

Out of interest did she ask you directly to swap? Or did she just drop a hint and let you do all the running?

I'm sure from the sound of her that her weekend - and every weekend - will be worse than yours.

Just shrug it off now: it's over.

If you had laid into her I suspect, from your description of how you operate, that you would be stressing over that even more than saying nothing (I probably would too: that's not a criticism of you).

If you really dig deep, I suspect what really want is to just want unhappen her and the whole incident - which you can't.

I think sometimes we have to accept that we can only change how we feel and how we respond to a situation, not the situation itself. Respond to it by having a lovely weekend! There's no more to be done at this juncture so relax!

I just find her so aggressive and I’m uncomfortable around her. She is so angry all the time and I know it’s not all her but she reminds me of a a caregiver I had as a child and I’m upset every time as it brings back memories. I just don’t like her energy around me. I don’t have to interact at all with her now but I just can’t get over the feeling I was having when she was being aggressive to me.

You really need to work on not being a people pleaser, it never ends well and people will always treat you like crap. You say you hate her but also that you need to be liked, why? Why would you want someone you hate to like you, it’s fucked up🤷‍♀️

She told me I need to swap with her. Then got sulky and angry when I said I can’t as I don’t have authority to change it

Well she isn't about to change because you had a grumpy caregiver, so you have to find it in yourself to move past her and those feelings.

Oh that adds an extra dimension to the horrid coworker situation.

Here's a MN phrase: don't swim oceans for people who wouldn't step over a puddle for you. I don't know if it's an MN thing, but I've only ever seen it on here.

Honestly, this sounds like classic navel gazing. You're pathologising being a common or garden people pleaser, with all your talk of 'inability to be disliked' and grumpy caregiver trauma.

Not everyone in life is nice, and not everyone will like you. There is no reason why they should.

But they should treat you in line with the expectations of behaviour in the workplace, and if they don't then you need to learn to ignore or escalate if required.

This bugs you a lot because you are a people pleaser who does things they don't want to and resents others for it. Most people would have just told her to f off. You can't do anything about her but maybe you could work on yourself and try to figure out why you would go out of your way to help someone you resent for something you think they have no right to ask you? You can't do all that knowing she's an awful person and expect her to change. Also a tip for saying no - don't say things like "I don't have authority" or make some excuse like that because people like her will push. You should just say "sorry that doesn't work for me".

You need to work on the feeling that you can't be disliked. I know I don't like some people and they don't like me. It's human nature. It's very freeing to realise and acknowledge this.