I hate a work colleague

[Work11]

Writing on mumsnet really helps me process my emotions and get over things quicker. There is a colleague I have nothing to do with thank God but occasionally see her she’s vile, really miserable, aggressive and rude. It’s not just me others refer to her as the “miserable one”. I’m quiet and shy and I have to for some reason say good morning to everyone I see in work as it’s my nature. She ignores me and just glares. On Tuesday she had an issue - I don’t want to talk about it on here in detail as will be identifying as I know my colleagues go on mumsnet! But basically something along the lines of something was booked for me but she likes it better so demanded I swap with her. I explained I can’t as would need higher up permission but she smirked at me abd said “no you don’t”. Others witnessed this as said she was being aggressive and I did the right thing.

i have an inability to be disliked and have any issues so I contacted manager and asked if things could be swapped around and I’m happy for it to be swamped. I cc’d her in and no response from her considering I went out of my way to help her out! Wednesday it was agreed and manager cc’d her in about the change. Again she didn’t reach out to thank me. I saw her yesterday as I was heading out and told her about the change and the email and she looked at me up and down slowly and said “what u on about?” I got tongue tied and said the change has been made and she just replied “ok”.

I feel really angry at myself for being so meek and a pushover and not standing up to her. I should have just left it but she was inconvenienced not me. She could have at least thanked me for taking time out of my day to fix the issue she had.Please help me get over this as I don’t want to think about it anymore. I want to enjoy the weekend with my kids

I would literally act like she doesn't exist and be really blunt with her, certainly wouldn't be doing her any favours.

Not everyone is going to like you in life.
No matter who you are.
accept this fact and move on.

If she asks you to do something again that needs authorisation from a manager, tell HER to get it cleared and keep you in the loop.

Be cool with her, and don't put yourself out for her again. As for her being miserable, etc, you can't change that, so don't give anymore of your precious time dwelling on it. She, obviously, has reasons, (not an excuse), for her behaving how she does, but that's her issue. People are honestly not worth getting yourself worked up about

I think you have to give yourself permission to just cut her off from you in your head. Don’t want to think about her - line up some things to consciously choose to think about when the thoughts intrude - something positive and happy that is within your control.

And stop saying hello to her. If she speaks to you, shut her down with grey rock - ‘Ok’ or ‘Not within my remit’ should cover most eventualities. Plus ‘I see’ if you need to repeat yourself.

Never put yourself out for this person. They are on some nasty power trip - block them out of your mental space with better thoughts.

i have an inability to be disliked and have any issues

I’d really try to fix this bit.

There it is.
She is triggering off feelings about your (?) parent. Your feelings are actually about them, that's why they are so extreme. And maybe when you interact with her you are trying to unconsciously have another go at that relationship, hoping it'll end differently.

I'd go totally grey rock and avoid.

Be helpful, if the swap suits you, but don't do the leg work for her.

"Yes, sure I can do that swap, if you ask manager X and ask them to cc me that it is approved first"

If they say no, or that it is not needed, just reply "you might not need it, but that is what I need or I am not able to swap" then just grey rock / repeat.

She is likely to like you, or at least respect you, a bit more if she sees you have a backbone.

She sounds absolutely vile. What a cow. Chat gpt is also very good and for getting emotions out. I have people pleased like you too as I hate conflict and that sort of person I would be nervous around. Try and get some therapy to improve assertiveness against vile people like this

Ignore her, don't swap with her and just smile and laugh at her without saying a thing if and when she does speak to you.

She sounds the worst . A weird jealous person . I hate those types! Your revenge is being happy in your life with your kids and being well liked by others. Plan something fun with your kids as a distraction.

You’re a lovely person, don’t beat yourself up. Lesson to be learned though is that this person is not worth a second of your kindness or acknowledgement. No more good mornings, she doesn’t exist in your world unless there is literally no choice.

Keep being your lovely self but accept some people are just awful and don’t deserve your kindness.

I wouldn’t want her liking me. She can fuck right off. She’s a nobody.

I actually wouldn’t trust her enough to tell her to arrange the swap by talking with my manager herself. If she told you she had done that, could you believe her? And if not, then what?

The opportunity was yours, full stop.

The bigger problem is that you seem to see yourself as her victim. Where is that coming from? Is it just because you are a people pleaser (which you have lots of good advice about above), or is it something specific to this woman, such as a resemblance to that caregiver?

Either way, she is not worth the space she is taking up in your head.

Sympathies OP, she sounds horrid. The strength of your feelings though are very indicative of a trauma response. You hinted at a difficult relationship with a childhood caregiver, and it's clearly this that needs processing as any contact with a similar personality will trigger you. In the mean time, try and let any hurtful comments/ reactions bounce off you. Even if you're shaking like a leaf on the inside, don't let it show. Think of her as an irrelevance. Stop with the greetings, she doesn't warrant any kindness. Shore up your relationships with other colleagues as these will act as a buffer; don't allow yourself to be isolated. If things escalate keep written notes as evidence and report upwards of necessary - your employer has a duty to uphold your dignity at work. Finally, never fall into the trap that you can somehow win her around and be wary of any false attempts she may make to befriend you: she will exploit any vulnerability shown and use it to her advantage. Always be on guard.

Make sure you never do nice things for a person like this. Place some boundaries in for yourself, being a people pleaser makes these people worse believe me and you won't be thanked for it.

It helps to learn not to put yourself out for people who wouldn't for you. Reciprocation is healthy and leads to good relationships.

People who are all me, me, me can help themselves. It took me a hard lesson to become like this. I am happier and people no longer use me.

I'd go one further and when she glares at me, I'd stare her right in the eye and smile. Because glares do eff all to me. Just realise she's a miserable sod and it's no reflection on you. Take your power back!

You are making a mountain out of a mole hill.
Remind yourself -
you are not a civilian in Ukraine living in -20"C with Russians bombing you and taking out your power stations etc
you are not a refugee starving and homeless in Sudan desert
you are not Palestinian trying to survive in Gaza
you are not in the floods of Mozambique at the moment
OP get a grip!!

Actually could I recommend a book? Nice girls don't get the corner office. Really helped me.

Don’t waste another minute on her, don’t say hello, don’t acknowledge her, only communicate to her when it involves work. Take back control from the bully. Kindness isn’t weakness, don’t allow her treat you with disrespect anymore.

Unfair you have obviously never struggled with this. Working with someone toxic like this can make working life an ordeal. I know what you are saying but like all of us here OP is just venting her feelings which is healthy rather than thinking of all the unfair atrocities in this world.

she sounds ridiculous. people like that are destined for miserable lives.