Ex and DS reaction to bus “crash”

[SpookySpookyy]

Got the bus home the other night and the bus had to go through a narrow bend, the bus ended up scraping the side of a lorry which resulted in some of the windows shattering on the side I was sitting. I was fine and I ended up having to walk 45 minutes home in the dark. Another passenger ended up covered in glass.

I text ex saying Omg, my bus just crashed! and another saying how the windows had shattered.

Twelve hours later he replied saying Wow! I hope the bus is ok! Then he changed the subject to childcare logistics.

DS had an even worse reaction gleefully saying Yay, it’s crashed! And then Shame, you didn’t die! 💀 I told him that’s enough, don’t talk like that and changed the subject. He’s a teenager (ADHD)

AIBU to feel pretty shitty at their response? Obviously it wasn’t a proper crash but it was still unnerving.

Both responses completely shitty. I can understand why your ex is an ex if this is typical behaviour. Your ds needs to be told in no uncertain terms about why his response was shitty. Changing the subject is doing him no favours.

Why did you text your ex about your bus crashing in the first place? I think his reaction was appropriate turning the conversation back to childcare - the only think you need to discuss with him.

Your son’s reaction is pretty disturbing even for a teenager though OP - he literally said he wish you had died?! That’s awful!

Can see where your DS gets his empathy from! Glad you're ok OP 💐

That's awful - surely any normal person would ask if you are OK?! Is your ex normally lacking in empathy?

Seems strange to have texted your ex about this since you seem to be on bad terms. DS was really mean though I am sure he would have been gutted if you had been badly hurt.

I would not give the ex a second thought, he's an ex, you weren't hurt. Could he have been nicer? Yes but he wasn't.

Your DS, I would just use this as a discussion around how to react to other people when they have an experience. Teen boys, especially with neuro diversity to boot are not always going to give appropriate responses. Just talk to him about what you expect in future.

Yeah, that was pretty shitty especially as he didn’t say it in anger, it was matter of fact. He’s got ADHD and possible autism and can say inappropriate stuff but that was below the belt even for him. Long story but there’s some alienation happening from his Dad since separation and he has witnessed my ex saying many inappropriate things to me or generally over the years.

I feel like there’s so many bus accidents atm like the companies are either running the buses into the ground and they ain’t safe , they are scrimping on driver training or maybe it’s coz as we know the public are becoming shocking drivers but I feel like theres always something lately , 2 of our local buses were on fire last year and yesterday a guy jumped infront of a bus locally and it killed him . It’s not a great time to be alive when it comes to travelling on public transport , the roads are so unsafe .

He tends to say things sometimes for shock value and can talk in a violent or gory way. He does know it’s wrong but he doesn’t have a filter when it comes to inappropriate comments. I don’t believe he actually wishes me dead but sometimes these things will just fly out of his mouth. I don’t know if it’s attention or just shock value.

He is unfortunately. Sometimes he would make a show of empathy when we were married but it felt strangely like he was acting. He once said to me after reading an article online that he thought he could be a psychopath but quickly said he regretted saying that because I would use it as a weapon against him! Yikes 😦

Yes, I’m hearing about a lot lately too, it’s very worrying! 🚌

Your ex’s reply is deliberately uncaring - unless you’re normally on nice friendly terms, he’s not someone you should be messaging about things like that if he’s just going to be nasty.

Your son’s reaction is a stupid teenage shock comedy reply. I have two lovely boys and they and their friends message like this (as well as nicer normal stuff) - it’s a given that they don’t mean it to each other, they’re just trying to get a rise and trade insults over text. It probably wouldn’t even occur to him that you could actually be hurt or scared by it, teens can be very lacking in empathy and tend to assume no actual bad stuff will ever happen. He is looking at the message as you saying “omg whoah massive drama here, bus crash cooool!” rather than “I was in a scary situation and could have been hurt, I’m quite shaken up”. Teens get in a lot of denial around their parents being vulnerable.

Talk to him when you see him, say “actually it was scary, woman next to me was covered in glass, we’re lucky it didn’t tip over, dangerous driving in ice, you’ll learn more when you learn to drive”.

Sorry OP, that must have been really scary 😳 if I were you, I'd stick to talking/messaging your ex about child related stuff only and don't text him about anything else. He sounds like an arse!

With your son, I'd be pretty upset if he said something like that to me - it's not funny, appropriate or acceptable. What consequence does he have for behaving in this way? Even with autism and ADHD he needs to learn what is acceptable - you might be able to shrug it off as him not understanding but if he speaks like that to others, he's going to have a hard time socially. So you do need to have a strategy to teach him what is inappropriate to say and part of that teaching is giving him a consequence such as grounding or removing privileges.

The ex shouldn’t be the place you go to for emotional support. It was a crappy response but hopefully you have friends and family who will offer empathy and kindness?

Your son is far more worrying. Was he joking badly?

Why did you text your ex at all? What’s it to him?

If my ex text me that I simply wouldn’t respond unless it directly impacted the children.

what did you want from his reply?

Op if your sons response was a knee jerk joke it’s ok, but adhd and autism don’t mean he can say horrible things, Id definitely talk to him about people being shocked when something unusual happens and how that would have added to you feeling horrible

Gosh that’s horrible. I don’t know why you told your ex but your son’s reaction is just awful. Obviously ADHD is not an excuse to saying it’s a shame you didn’t die, wtf?! That’s a disgusting thing to say to your mother - I would be livid.

Why would you text your ex ? You know your son is vulnerable so why would you do this too?

It was obvious to both that she was OK. The ex was the sort of joke my DH would say, implying I'm more indestructible than the bus, ha, ha, very funny. Son pretty inappropriate but he could see she was absolutely fine.

@SpookySpookyywhy did you text your ex ?

OP, do you not have any other people to support you in times of trouble or severe stress?

That sounds terrible - is you ex also ND?

I suspect that he probably is! I think his reply was a bad joke and it’s his sort of humour but just a quick follow up checking that I was ok would have been nice.

Yes I’ve got friends and my parents etc. Ex and I are newly separated so I guess it’s still a habit to text him.