Wanting to keep my partner and family together

[KnockedDownAndKnockedOut]

I want to stay with my partner I love them from the bottom of my heart and there is no one I would rather be with. We created a family and a home and I don't want to lose that. That to me is precious, it's worth it's weight in gold. It's what keeps me going. I can't stand the thought of not having them by my side or not seeing the kids every day and being there when they need me.

I suffered from depression, lost my confidence and my voice. I started therapy to try and regain. I asked my partner to support and they responded I'm giving all I can. They say they gave me chance to show up for them, but they never showed up, they basically told me I've got to navigate myself and show my worthiness for our marriage. They offered me to leave the home for a bit and come back after, but in the state I am in, I couldn't leave the kids especially as they are getting me through every minute.

They say I can't meet their needs of of social, emotional and mindfulness as a partner. I've tried and tried but they throw back on how they would have broke their back to repair. I have broke my back over it, I've hardly slept, working full time, doing all the chores around the house whilst giving them all the support I can. I feel as they have already judged me or seeing me through hatred goggles that no matter what I did or do, it wasn't enough. They may say they was waiting for me to prove her wrong, but they wasn't there when I asked, they wouldn't engage with me, gave me attitude/ a tone. But anything I did attempt, was never noticed or disregarded.

They would tell me there's another chance but I'm not allowed to talk about this, show affection and refrained from saying certain things. It made it really difficult for me, but I'm supposed to show I'm worthy of continuing a marriage, show I'm worth keeping around.
They say it's over and that there is no way back. They say its better for the kids and for the family to be apart. I don't want to be apart. It's eating me up from the inside. I'd rather kill myself than see them walk away from me.

I had a team day away from home. I cried the whole train journey because my life was in tatters. My partner wants to leave me. * [Post edited by MNHQ to remove mention of suicide methods]

Am I being unreasonable to want to keep the marriage going and keep the family together? Is that such a hard ask? I putting in all my effort and work and trying everything I can be the person they need.

Would people explain why they think that please?

Think what?

Whether you think it's unreasonable or not?

I think its really hard to know from your post what's reasonable and what isn't, as its so emotionally loaded.

There are however 2 things that are clear. Firstly you clearly need some help for your mental health. If you haven't already, please seek some help from your GP and tell them you are feeling suicidal.

Secondly, your relationship clearly isn't working from either of your perspective. I don't know what your partner is doing and whether its unreasonable as its not clear. But I have been the partner of someone with similar sounding mental health issues, and while I get that it was awful for them feeling that, its also awful to be in a relationship where you can't get any space from your partner because they have a panic attack and where you aren't leave as you know they will contemplate suicide.

TBH it sounds like you both need some space from each other right now. And you need some mental health support. Good luck OP

You sound unstable talking about killing yourself. Are you on any medications for your mental health?
Make a doctor appointment and try to get some support for your mental health.
Do what is best for your dc's well being, even if you need to temporarily live elsewhere and get some help.
Jumping in front of a train causes disruption of train service and is traumatic for the driver and any witnesses. And don't forget the crew who is called in to clean up the remains.

The short answer is that you are being unreasonable to try to be in a relationship with someone who has said they don’t want to be in a marriage with you. You can’t make someone want to be with you. And if you’ve expressed to her that you will kill yourself if she doesn’t stay with you, that’s abusive.

if you are feeling suicidal, call 999 or seek help at A&E, urgently.

Contrary to everyone else, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. It’s really sad to see the lack of support you’re getting from your partner while going through a downturn. Relationship are for better or worse, in sickness and in health.

I think you need to focus more on yourself and being a great parent to your kids. Also be firm with your partner, they can’t push you around into a place of complete loss. You need them to support you, while you regain yourself. Once you start to flourish your partner will likely want you back and you may find, it will be up to you whether you take someone back who was willing to abandon you at a low point.

I think you should also speak to a doctor to see if any meds might help stabilise your mental health.

wishing you all the best, your life is worth living and your children love and need you.

You need professional help a partner is not a therapist, they dont want to be with you so accept that and I hope someone is caring for your children (if you mean created a family as having children) if you can't put them first

Get some professional help and tell your therapist not your wife you are suicidal if thats what you believe you are.

Does your wife work and how many kids do you have and what ages?

When shes telling you im giving all i can... who was washing drying hanging folding the clothes. Who was food shopping, cooking washing up? Who was bathing the kids dressing the kids? cleaning the house ? Doing night wakes? Etcetc etc

No more trying to please someone who isn't giving me half a chance.

Sometimes when you have used up thousands of chances. There are no more and the relationship is over.
Shes clear she wants to exit the relationship.

You both sound miserable so maybe try a trial separation.

Thanks for you thoughts. I willing to fight and try everything to make the marriage work and keep the family together. I see it as a marriage isn't something to just walk away from.

I have looked into medical help and will continue, but I poured my heart and soul to create this marriage, family and home.

In regards to the house work, I do the majority. I just see that we have created something special and there's opportunities to grow and make it work. The decision isn't something small, its life changing and isn't affecting one person. Why can't a marriage be fought for

I’m sorry you’re feeling low OP.

I’d be interested to hear the other side of this.

Because if they dont want to be with you they dont want ro be with you , they would need to respect you, do they? If you can't seem to respect yourself

This. You cannot force someone to be with you with threats. Also “in sickness and in health” has its limits, sometimes the other person has to put on their own oxygen mask first.

You can’t force someone to stay in a marriage. The person who doesn’t want it any more gets the veto - so you need to work on shaping a co-parenting future.

I’ve been where your partner is and it’s absolute misery. Get yourself some MH help and stop pressurising them to stay in a relationship that they think is dead. I’m sorry to be harsh, but this is the reality.

I am willing to bet that your mental heath will improve if you stop trying to resolve your relationship and focus on you and the kids.

Put your own postmark on first.

Also not sure why you are obsessing over trying to keep a relationship going when the other person makes it so hard.

Are you afraid of being alone?

Hello OP, we're so sorry that you're feeling this way.

We can see that you're getting some good advice and support on your thread already but we thought it important to signpost you to a few places where you can get support in real life, too.

Do take a look at our Mental Health resources.

You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Their freephone number is 116 123 and you can call them any time of the day or night.

Some further support links:
NHS: Where to get urgent help for mental health
NHS: Looking after your mental health
CALM: The Campaign Against Living Miserably
NHS: Help for suicidal thoughts

Very best wishes from MNHQ