How were your children affected by your breakup?

[Meg878o]

I am considering leaving my husband. We have 3 children aged 11,8 and 6. I haven't left yet because I'm deeply worried about the effect it'll have on them . Please tell me your honest stories. I am deeply unhappy but want to do what's right by them. How can I leave and turn my unhappiness into happiness yet turn their happiness into unhappiness 😔

Empathy and watching due to same position xx

I'm watching with interest as am thinking similarly. I've no advice for you but sending solidarity -it feels like a big decision. From my own experience as a child of divorced parents: my life got 'lighter' after my parents separated. It was a huge relief to see my mum blossom and live according to her own values, in her own vibe. My dad, despite being the one who 'drove' the separation, was miserable for quite a long while afterwards, struggling with the drop in standard of living once he adjusted to loss of joint income and shared outgoings.

Someone told me the other day that the way to count our days is down: we should wake up in the morning, aware that after today, there'll be one day less of life. How do we feel moved to spend our remaining days? I know in my heart of hearts that it won't be with DP.

Best of luck, OP.

The DD that I believed would find it harder asked “so it’s just going to be you and us Mummy?” and then gave an enormous smile, bigger than any I’d ever seen from her before. I knew in that moment that actually I hadn’t been successfully hiding how rubbish her father was, and the we’d be alright. Years later, we’re still alright. They visited him regularly for years but he never wanted to actually parent and he was never their home or their safety…he was like a vague Uncle I suppose. But home was us, and immediately it was such a different feeling in the house. Calmer, more organised, closer. Some days are hard of course on my own, but they are all easier than with a man who didn’t respect or cherish me as the mother of his children, or them.

Honestly there at an age where it will worry them and unstable the home but as long as both adults act with grace and dignity do what's best for kids around maintenance and access .then they are young they will adapt and the kids need a permanent home not 50/50 bollocks that's for the adults. Not kids. it's deeply unfair to shuffle between two houses non of them home .

I did and my 2 DCs (under 5) have not coped well. He was a stay at home Dad and chose to move several hours away and visit sporadically post-split. I never would have imagined him make a choice like that, and I can see the damage and pain it causes them. They have nightmares, anger, and believe he doesn't love them. Initially I felt much 'lighter', but seeing the pain they are in and juggling so much alone does cancel that out.

Having seen several close friends go through separations in the past couple of years I would say only 1 child appears to have adjusted well, and that is because her parents have been very amicable throughout the split and genuinely put her ahead of any ill feelings they have towards each other. Unfortunately the anger / resentment your ex will have and how they will express that is something that is completely out of your control.

Gosh @HawthornFairy what your daughter said just made me feel so emotional - and @Blipity that’s so hard, I’m really sorry to hear this 😞
OP I left my partner when my 2 were the age of your younger ones - literally planned ok secret, left while he was away for work, moved to a (crappy) flat a mile from home - they had no preparation time, and I’ve been amazed how they adjusted to be honest. My DD used to ask me to leave because he was so awful and we were so unhappy (EA) but son (6) is the one who has said he wishes we all still lived together, but typically they handle it really well, even going between 2 homes (yes we do 50/50 that is so derided by some). They have their original home where their dad still lives, plus seem happy to be with me regardless of it being a small rubbish rented flat (and are excited that i will be buying a flat once finances sorted). Their dad really didn’t want the split, still doesn’t almost a year later, but we spent birthdays and Christmas together this first year, they see us getting along and i think/hope they see me happier than I was before. Honestly the seemed to adjust almost straight away, which amazed me, as the bigger issue was that I worry that i haven’t been a very level parent - struggling with my own issues and this has impacted them, but 10 months in this is now improving. Ultimately there are a thousand threads on MN where people say they are staying together for the children and replies flood in from people who did that or grew up in that environment saying that’s the worst idea, but nobody is saying it’s an easy choice to make. Good luck OP

My first DH and I separated very amicably 6 years ago, the DC are now 13 and 12. We have an excellent coparenting relationship.

they started off 5 nights with me, 2 with him. They now do 4:3 at their request because they want to spend lots of time with us both. However, they hate moving between houses, having no ‘home’ and having to pack things up. I don’t blame them, it’s like hot desking but so much worse. DS talks about living with ex-DH more sometimes and just visiting with me which secretly breaks my heart but it’s his choice if he does. Ex-DH shares lots of interests with him, is his rugby coach and makes life very easy at his house (little responsibility and processed food). He is also a lovely man and loving parent so I get it.

I adore them and would have them full-time if I could. If I’m honest, I feel less connected to
them and their lives having periods without them.

My ex-DH initiated the split. We married very young and had grown apart. I would have stayed together longer and tried to grow back together again but I respected his choice. There was no abuse, it was just a boring relationship for us both. He still seems to feel a lot of guilt about it but I don’t think he regrets it. I really hope it has made him happier. He’s still single and I’m married to a lovely man with a toddler and another on the way. We all get on very well, thankfully, and share a fair amount of time together as the three adults who love the DC. EX-DH is uncle to my youngest and their bond is very cute.

I still wouldn’t choose it for myself but I’ve made the best of it.

Just to be clear, I wouldn’t choose to stay together desperately unhappy or with abuse. I would have worked harder at a stale relationship to see whether we could make something we loved again. Then part ways if not.

my kids were affected deeply but thats because their father chose not to see them after we broke up so very different situation.

My parents divorced, I do feel it it affected my gravely in my teenage years and going forward into relationships as a young adult

However I didn't know how I would be affected if they had stayed together in a toxic environment

DD was 7 when I ended my marriage to her Dad. She was very upset and cried a lot for the first couple of weeks after he moved out (he moved immediately on split). He had EOW and Wed and Fri night each week initially. We tried to do a few things as a family but it was strange and uncomfortable so we stopped that very quickly. 3 months after the split we had to sell the house and temporarily move in with my parents which DD found really tough. She was unsettled, grumpy and a bit clingy. 6 months after the split we moved into our new home and she started to settle. Unfortunately the school run to her old school was just too far and she requested to move to the school nearby along with her cousins. By the time the divorce came through 9 months after the split she was very setled and pretty used to the status quo.

Fast forward and she is now 15 and no longer sees her Dad much - he just drifted away slowly and stopped bothering. She is not at all unhappy about it. She has been diagnosed with ASD and is struggling with her mental health at the moment but it is really totally unrelated to her dad. I have a new partner who lives with us now and she really likes him. We make a very happy little family.

It depends on why you are leaving. In some situations, divorce is 100% a necessary. There are stories on here where others are outraged and suggesting the poster divorces over something a hard session or two with a therapist could start to solve - I am a child of divorce who doesn’t remember the parents together, and the idea of breaking up the family in those situations doesn’t sit well with me.

It depends on why you want to split up. Is he a bad husband/father, or are you just a bit bored? Unlike some on here, I think that you shouldn't split up just because: however, I also don't think that nothing short of physical abuse is split worthy. Only you can answer why you want to end the relationship.

"EX-DH is uncle to my youngest and their bond is very cute."

Post split you had a kid with your ex husbands brother?

Child of split parents here. This is not a generalisation and just my experience. It’s been over 2 decades since they split and I have never gotten over it. I can’t tell them that though as it will probably break them and I have felt they had enough to deal with at the time.

3 adult sons really struggling with the separation. We had a secure family unit until husband went looking elsewhere.
Our eldest 31 years old has recently married himself and is so disappointed with his Dad for the cruel way we got discarded.
Other 2 boys, 30 and 28 want nothing to do with the man who they used to call Dad.
Its all very raw and messy as so much is being exposed about their weak cowardly father.

I still dream of them getting back together ❤️‍🩹

This is quite sad 😔 as an adult, do you not feel that they are better off not together if the marriage was unhappy? Have you had any counselling to talk through your feelings?

It depends how bad the relationship is. Toxic, controlling, abusive, then everyone is better off if you split.

But generally divorce is disastrous for children in my opinion. They either end up with an absent parent (normally dad) and statistically that is terrible, or constantly switching between homes, which is stressful and unsettling.

I have two step children whose mum left my DH during an affair (and because the relationship with DH was not particularly romantic/intense). Since being 2 and 4 her children have had to switch homes, have encountered real animosity between their parents (because of her trying to prevent access), court cases, long car commutes, new marriage and half siblings (on our side), unstable housing, low income household, depression and mental health issues (on hers). They would have been far, far better if she had stayed with DH. Their safe, stable, perfectly acceptable home and family was split -- older SC still remembers being told as a foundational trauma.

It depends on why you are unhappy. Being a single parent is hard work, you may simply swap this unhappiness for a different kind of difficulty and stress.

My children were 5 and 2 when I told my exh to leave. They are primarily with me but exh has them EOW. I wouldn’t say they love the arrangement but they are used to it and barely remember anything else. Your children will find it harder to adjust because they are older.

However my life is quite chaotic and stressful and this affects me mentally. I kicked my exh out because he was a crap father and husband and was on dating sites. I grew up with a father who was similar and didn’t want that for my children. In the end the situation was so bad I genuinely felt like I didn’t have a choice.

Haha, he is “uncle” - an honoury family title because he is a special person in her life. My two DHs are in no way related

My children were both very young (under the age of 1) when me and ex -DH split so they’ve never known us together which I think is a positive.

We could have stayed together if I could have forgiven the lying and cheating but I knew I’d have been miserable.

Being a single Mum is not easy either. But I still know I made the right choice.

Ex-DH chose to move far away and only sees DCs once a fortnight. I am starting to notice they are less enthused about going there but also when they are with me at home they are constantly checking I am still here if I’m out of sight even momentarily. I don’t know if it’s an age thing or something around abandonment, even though I have never left them with anyone besides my DM and the only time I leave the house is to work!

My teens are 16 and 18. Split from father 6 years ago. He has never had them overnight, and for years they didn't want to see him. This meant I never really got a break especially when all the teen dramas hit (and ongoing!!). My son 18 hates his dad and resents me for choosing a poor father for him.
My daughter 16 is still processing the trauma of her dad leaving and is aware she has abandonment issues. However, she and I are very close, she has her first boyfriend and seems to have chosen a nice boy.
Their dad visits once per month and my son will have a superficial convo about world events, and dd will go out with him for a hot chocolate, but both find their dad irritating and cant wait for him to leave.. Im not sure if that helps OP, just things to ve aware of.
I am sorry I didn't choose better for them but its done now.

Probably not what you want to hear but it's shit either way isn't it?
Ultimately you have to do what's right for you. Your long term happiness is more important. Your kids will adjust. They have no choice. The alternative is you stay, and you stay deeply unhappy. Imagine if you told your adult children when they're older you chose to stay for them. Would they appreciate it, or would they say you should have left?

Also to add, my own mum stayed with my dad far longer than she should have and didn't split until we were in our late teens. Us kids (now in our 50s) have had to have years of therapy to unpack some of the problems. Never underestimate the toll of staying when home life is utterly miserable.