Controlling or just wanting connection? Lonely in my marriage

[anothereveningalone]

Both work 9-5. Child under 5. He goes to the gym with his friends 3 nights a week. Usually leaves around 6 and back at 11. I don’t expect help with childcare, he does that on the days he’s not at the gym. But I crave evenings just being us. Is that controlling? On the nights he’s at the gym I eat alone and go to bed alone. I feel like we’re flatmates sometimes.

Whenever it’s mentioned he says it’s his time to decompress. The classes he goes to finish at 9, so I’m sure he just stands around chatting for at least an hour.

I’m sad and lonely and don’t feel enough

Aibu

So he has 5 hours, 3 times a week to "decompress" - and he works 9-5, do the kids even recognise him or scream "stranger danger" when he shows up?

YANBU

You are definitely not being unreasonable. What you’re asking for is bare minimum tbh.

What do you do together on the other 4 nights you have?

Why on earth is he not home until 11???

He plays video games, or he’ll sometimes suggest watching a film. I’m told that I’m being controlling when I ask why he’s back so late after the gym. He says his friends wives have no problem with it.

By the time he gets back, I’m nearly asleep. Then it’s up and back to work. I’m so lonely

ive voiced so many times that I would like more time together but it never happens

And do you go and have decompression time three times a week ?

15 hours at the effing gym !!! if he doesn’t look like Arnold swazgnegger I’d say he was having an affair

no I would not be ok with that , I go to an exercise class twice a week it’s local and I scoot in late and dash out pronto so can still wash up put bins out, do beds times

no way I’d give myself that kinda time out unless it was totally reciprocated and ok with my wife

Are you sure he’s going to the gym? And if he is what/who is keeping him hanging around until 11pm?
Im a stranger on the internet who knows nothing about your relationship so don’t take what I’m saying seriously, it’s just raising some questions for me.

No, it's fine for him to have some me time, as long as you do too, but this seems a lot. He could do walks/bike rides with you and the kids, or indoor activities like swimming/family fitness etc. Have you got family who could watch them while you have some couple time too, even if that's just a couple of hours every fortnight? I used to love getting a dress on just to go out and feel like a partner, much as I love being a mum couple time is vital.

No you are not controlling and it matters not a jot what other wives allegedly think , he should care what you think

I would find somewhere to go for the other nights do exactly what he does , claim to go to the gym ( pop round a friends instead) and see how quickly he has a problem with it …

why are you ok doing all that childcare etc all by yourself ?

his behaviour is ridiculous, OP.
i’m sorry you’re having to deal with this. Have you told him how lonely and sad its making you feel?

who gives a crap what his friends wives think? If this doesn’t work for your relationship then that is all that matters. What is he doing for 2hrs after his class ends? It sounds strange and not adding up. Could there be an OW?

Wtf is he doing at the gym for 5 hours?!

He’s up to something sorry

That’s a deflection saying about the mates wives - you can bet your bottom dollar they are feeling like you - he’s gaslighting you

hoing to the gym after work should be 2 hours tops

he sounds completely selfish and taking you for granted

Separately to whether it's reasonable for him to go out so much - which I'll leave it to others to comment on as I'm not married with a young child - is there a reason you need to spend all your evenings alone when he's not there? Could you invite a friend round, or maybe a mum acquaintance and start to build it into a friendship? Do you have any family close? YANBU to want a good marriage, but IMO it's a good idea to also be building a supportive network beyond that, you don't want your whole emotional life and sense of closeness/companionship to be dependent on one person.

When I was training with one of the top rowing clubs in the country, the lads would meet at 07:00 on a Saturday get the boat & blades off the rack, do a water session, get the boat off the water, stretch, get warm, have coffee and a snack, stretch again, get the boat back on the water, do another session, get back in, wash down the boat, shower, change and leave by 11:30.
What on EARTH is this man doing at the gym for 5 hours? Is he an Olympian?

No sorry OP he’s having you on, somethings going on as this doesn’t add up. He has a class that ends at 9 so assume it starts at 8, why’s he leaving at 6? And then why is he 2 hours still coming home after the class?

That's an insane amount of time to spend at the gym! Really ridiculous.
I go to the gym 4 times a week. Im there for an hour max.
This is just a social thing for him obviously in which case its deeply selfish of him to take that much social time when you dont get its equal
And yes id be very lonely too if my DH was doing that all week. It's not ok.
It's not controlling to waht to get some time with your partner.

I’m ashamed to say this, but I’ve just caught him in a lie. He said he’d been back at 930 tonight as he was getting a lift from a friend (mutual friend and he was).

i was laying in bed at 10:15. I “woke up” at 1030 and the first words out of his mouth were “I was back at 930 but you were asleep”

Of course he s being completely unreasonable. What kind of partner is this.
was he like this before the children came along?
I would suspect he is having an affair, based on your last post.

Sorry but it sounds like he's having an affair. Obviously he won't admit it, so you need to access his phone when he's asleep. Go through everything- photos, texts, whatsapp, emails, social media etc. I know people say this is wrong but I'd never have found out about exes cheating if I didn't do this.

He does go with his mates and I’ve seen him lingering when I’ve gone with him. He chats to everyone there. He’s a massive chatter, and he does get sidetracked.

what upsets me is I’ve said so many times it makes me feel alone and it never changes. I get made to feel like I’m begging for time together.

the lie above has made my skin crawl.

The shame should not be yours, OP. It's not you who is neglecting your family and lying to your partner.

To use the mumsnet phrase....cherchez la femme.

Ffs he’s clearly having an affair. Dump him, you deserve a lot better.

Going to the gym isn’t the issue, as even when he doesn’t go, he’s not spending time with you.

Not sure what to advise as you can’t make someone want to spend time with you. Is this behaviour new? What was your relationship like before you had kids?