Controlling or just wanting connection? Lonely in my marriage

[anothereveningalone]

Both work 9-5. Child under 5. He goes to the gym with his friends 3 nights a week. Usually leaves around 6 and back at 11. I don’t expect help with childcare, he does that on the days he’s not at the gym. But I crave evenings just being us. Is that controlling? On the nights he’s at the gym I eat alone and go to bed alone. I feel like we’re flatmates sometimes.

Whenever it’s mentioned he says it’s his time to decompress. The classes he goes to finish at 9, so I’m sure he just stands around chatting for at least an hour.

I’m sad and lonely and don’t feel enough

Aibu

15 hours a week out of the house after work to go to the gym is a piss-take when he’s neither a pro athlete or single. He’s not exercising all that time, as you’ve seen first hand. Given the lie, have you considered he may well be faffing about taking ages with his mates while you are there so you think that’s why he usually takes three hours?

I said you weren’t home at 930 at all, I heard you come in. Then he said they had to drop someone off before him. This is the first time I’ve been aware of him telling me a blatant lie. I feel so sick. I’m trying not to cry but my senses are screaming at me something is wrong.

I used to go to the gym with friends and do classes. My DS goes now with his friends. Neither of us have ever gone for 5 hours.

It's not as if you're saying he can't go, but 5 hours is ridiculous. He's obviously doing something else. But what? Chatting??? That seems unlikely.

He's a dick.

I'd be very suspicious. No-one is in the gym for 5 hours! He's lying to you and if I were you I'd be doing some detective work to find out exactly what he's been up to.

Assuming he is genuinely at the gym 5 hours a day 3 days a week, he's clearly telling you he does not want to spend time with you, and is treating you like someone convenient to have around but not invest in.

I'm not utterly convinced he's at the gym for 15 hours a week though.

You definitely are not asking for too much if he cannot take at least one night off to spend time with you I would be questioning him why do you need to continue to go to the gym all the time.

I can’t sleep.

Hes in a mood that I’ve pointed out the lie.

he said he “messed up times” and “what difference does 45 minutes makes”

I think you may be focusing on the wrong thing.

What made you choose him in a first place? He isn’t mature enough to be a partner. You are acting like his mum. Drop it. Focus on yourself and what you want. You need therapy to work on your self esteem.

Sorry, I was a bit harsh in my previous post. You are not controlling, he isn’t capable of giving you what you want. Plus, it sounds that you may have anxious preoccupied attachment style, hence, therapy may help.

If he lied about that. What else is he lying about?

I imagine his friends' wives have less of a problem with their husbands' gym action because they are not going three times a week, they are not out until 11pm, and they don't have small children.

Chances are they don't spend the other four nights raising their adrenaline on video games, either. Maybe some of them actually play shooter games with their wives.

Your husband isn't a husband or a father. he's a liar and very likely a cheater. Forget him. Start living single, build your own life. Reconnect with your friends, make new friends, join some new groups. Take up your old hobbies. Book a sitter and go to the gym 😆Get your ducks quietly in a row.

I’d follow him there, I’d want proof. I don’t think it’s impossible he’s just sat on equipment chatting for hours not really working out. It’s why I stopped going to the gym - couldn’t get on the equipment or got stared at for stealing someone’s perch. Does he go out for a pint/coffee after the session? When does he eat?

You are asking for BARE MINIMUM. I would tell DH, being straight to the point, that I want to spend more quality time with him or if he just wants roommates, he can move out and you will find yourself a man who wants to spend time with you. Obviously, being dramatic here, but he needs to get the point.

I don't remember seeing you mention anything about weekends/days off? Do you spend any time together?

Listen to your gut. A woman's intuition is 100% a thing. And knowing the truth will not make you weaker. It will make you stronger. If he is cheating on you, in any way, you deserve to know so that you can do that right thing.

What if you went to the gym 3 nights per week for 5 hours at a time?

Doesn’t matter if he is cheating or not, he doesn’t want to spend time with you. He is everyone else’s friend but yours

Why does he think you are interested in what his friends wives think. Genuinely interested in why that is a factor in him spending 5 hours at the gym

You are not one of his friends wives.

You do have a problem.

Tell him that he needs to step away from his video games for 3 nights of the week to look after his children whilst you go out for 5 hours each time.

He needs to feed, bath and put dc bed 3 nights of the week whilst you are doing your own thing.

A big question to me is - how far away is the gym? If it’s local there is something very wrong here - drinks before and after maybe and it’s a chance to hang out with ‘friends’ and avoid family life. But if it’s 40+ mins away then that would possibly be a 2 not 5 hour gym session - shower? And socialising for an hour after - still unacceptable as at the end of the day it’s still 5 hours he’s taking out of family time 3 times a week.

What would his reaction be to you taking similar time out, OP?

Offer to join him for these ridiculous gym sessions

No way he’s just hanging out at the gym with his friends for 5 hours and no way their wives would be fine with that.

You need to do your due diligence. Do you have access to his phone, games, etc?

Are you absolutely sure he’s at the gym for four hours three days a week? It seems unlikely. Even if a person uses the sauna and showers there after, it’s unlikely to take more than two hours. I’d be suspicious.

Yes defo do this but surprise him by turning up

get someone to babysit
and roll up 30 mins into his session