This annoying grandma!

[Heboughtsomanygrapes]

Have posted about her before, but she’s still not respecting boundaries.
Young type grandma (late 50’s) lives in a house behind our house, granddaughter is often there (girl is in Dd’s school) Dd wants to play with her, but they have a love/hate relationship and often fall out so I try to discourage it.
The girl often calls over the fence to Dd, but since the weather has been bad, she’s not been able to do that. She calls or sends messages to my WhatsApp, which I often ignore if we’re busy.
So now the Grandma has taken to driving up outside the front of our house to either drop off the girl (without even asking?!) or the girl will call out of the window for Dd to come to her house.
I often say no as it’s when we’ve literally only just got in from school minutes before and we have snack, relax, homework etc. Dd then explodes as she wants to go there (hate her going there as this girl speaks rudely to her grandma and they watch Youtube, which I don’t allow unless occasionally with our supervision)
Last time I was cooking and said no to Dd as she was quite bad with a cough and cold, Dd went to tell them she wasn’t allowed to go and I heard the grandma say that it was ok if she had a cough and they didn’t mind and she could come over-constantly overriding me. I suspect Dd is possibly Nd and she tends to get all riled up
by this and it causes arguments between us. I’ve asked grandma to please just send me a message to see if Dd can play and I will reply to her, but she still turns up at the door

Driving me nuts, why is she doing this!

Given what you know about her, why are you sending your DD out to say she can't play?

"Hi, we haven't arranged a playdate so X can't come over. Please message me next time otherwise we'll probably have stuff on and I don't want you to get DGrandaughters hopes up".

Reply to the WhatsApp that you are busy? And deliver the child back home if not convenient and ur dd will have to learn and the message soon gets across... Doesn't sound that tricky to me tbh

Kindly OP, but you need to stamp this out.
Firmly with your daughter and then with the grandmother.

You are rewarding both for trampling all over you.

Tell your daughter you will not tolerate any push back and stick to it.

Text the grandmother that you are not happy with her imposing on you and going forward there will be no futher playing unless YOU issue an invitation.

The teen years will be absolute hell for you if you don't lay down the law.

This woman wants an easy life.
She couldn't care less about you or your boundaries.

Find your inner bitch and let loose.
Don't hesitate to be rude, and offend her.

I couldn't be tolerating such interference.

Can you set some boundaries with your daughter first, like no weekday play dates? Have a calm conversation about it and explain like you did above - that time after school is for snack, home work and family time before dinner etc. Or agree Fridays would be ok, but not as and when the neighbour feels like it. Make the decision from your end.

Then go round and tell the grandma that unfortunately you’re having to stop week day play dates because of reasons above, but she can message you to prearrange them on Fridays or weekends. But be firm and tell her she can’t just go dropping her granddaughter off anymore.

I’ve read your identical posts on this issue before. Have you not taken on board any of the advice you were given previously? It’s just going to be the same on this thread.

Is this the same child who you've found playing on the trampoline with your dd at like 7am before?

1. You explain to DD in an age-appropriate wat what your objections are. Including especislly that grandma' behaviour here is rude, pushy, not nice.
2. You explain to DD that you also object to the YouTube thing and anything else relevant about what DD is allowed to do at the grandma's house.
3. You accept that you want this to end so resolve that you do not want DD playing over there. And that the way to do that is to not let her play over there ever again. To that end, remove the WhatsApp connection between your daughter and them, send the kid home every time she is dropped off at your house, and ignore the cross-property shouting.

If your DD kicks off, start at point 1 of this post again. Train all three people here. Set your boundary and just hold it. Every time.

Fat- finger typo edits.

Because she’s outside the front shouting and I’m usually busy in the kitchen, Dd wants to chat to her friend too. Ive sent this message but she still persists 😔

It the child who uses her grans phone so I ignore it as it’s constant

But how is it an easier life for her when she’s often pushing for Dd to go there

Because she can’t be bothered entertaining her granddaughter herself, so if your daughter is there they can play together whilst she cracks on with whatever she wants.

😡 It’s nearly all the time, sad that she can’t spend time with her alone

This.
Send the message to the grandmother and block her number.
If she calls to the house despite you telling her, tell her you will contact 101 and call Child services.

This is causing you nothing but annoyance.
Keep your daughter away from her.

Sometimes parenting means you have to put your foot down, this is it.

The grandmother just wants what makes her life easier.

I think I remember your original thread, you must have had a load of advice already. You say the grandma is “still not respecting boundaries” - what exactly have you done since your last post to put a stop to it?

You can’t really control what the grandma does, assume she isn’t going to change, so you have to put the changes in place. Make a decision on if you are willing to let the girls be friends or not.

How old are the girls?

You’ve said you hate your daughter going over to their house, so stop allowing it! I think the inconsistency from you is causing some of the issues in your daughter’s behaviour.

Sometimes the girls shout over the fence to each other but sometimes you try and stop it. Sometimes you allow your Dd to go to their house, but you don’t like it. Sometimes you respond to the other girl’s messages, sometimes you don’t if you’re busy.

Decide on your boundaries first, then put things in place to uphold them. Nothing will change otherwise. If you don’t want the girl messaging you, go and have a conversation with the grandma and tell her that you’re happy to arrange occasional play dates in advance, but the messages must come from the grandma’s phone, not from the girl directly. See how she responds. If she agrees, get the grandma’s number and ask her to delete your number from the girl’s phone or say you’ll block it because you don’t have time to keep getting messages from a child. Tell her you can’t have her dropping the girl off uninvited. Once you have the grandma’s number you can message her directly if you can’t face saying some things to her face.

Also, when you say “Dd went to tell them she wasn’t allowed…” is this at the front door or over the fence again? I’m trying to work out if all of these conversations are just shouted over a fence or if your Dd is opening the front door? If the front door, maybe stop her doing that too! You really are going to have to break the cycle.

Have you spoken to the grandmother herself? Honestly this is ridiculous for her to allow the child to have so few boundaries. I am a bit of a blunt one ubt I would have to pull the gran aside and say listen we have things to do and I need your grandaughter to stop coming to my home or roaring for my dd, if she is free to play she will knock to your house for her. I hate people like this its so rude and entitled but unless you are blunt about it it will continue to happen.

OP, I’d send a blunt message to the grandmother saying that you don’t want your DD going to her house because you have different rules and boundaries from her. Then block and delete. If she comes round to your house, don’t answer the door. Above all, don’t let your DD answer the door. You are acting as though you have no agency in all this - you do. You are not obliged to let your DD go round to her house, and there is nothing to say you have to look after her DGD just because she has dropped her off at your house - I take it she does actually ascertain that you are home? If you don’t want her, don’t have her, and make it clear that you have other things to do, but if this grandmother has the skin of a rhino and is riding roughshod over you, then you are going to have to toughen up.

Also just found your last thread where you said the grandma lifted the girl over the fence into your garden and the girl looked through your patio window and you were basically sat in your pjs. Looks like this has been going on for a few years.

You said the grandma does have your number, just doesn’t use it. In which case can you message the girls parents and ask them to put a stop to it? Say you don’t want the girl being lifted into your garden, you don’t want her shouting over the fence or being dropped off at your front door unannounced.

You’re going to have to be tough, or put up with it and stop asking for advice on here every year for the same problem.

I agree with all of this. I’ve read your other threads and I think the only way you’ll stamp this out is to stop your daughter playing with the other girl full stop. Encourage other friendships. By sometimes saying yes, sometimes saying no, sometimes being firm, sometimes giving in, you’re confusing things.

@Heboughtsomanygrapes if you genuinely want this to stop are you willing to take the girl back if she lands at your door or over fence? Just deliver her straight back without letting her in.

If DD lets her in immediately remove her and take her back to her Grandmothers.
If she reappears after being taken back repeat the process.
This may sound harsh to you as you sound lovely, but unless you are willing to take action your threads on this topic will be ongoing.

OP - did you ignore all of the advice you've already been given on your previous posts?

I don’t understand the issue if your DD wants to go and play. Isn’t that what childhood is all about? I loved going to my friends after school!

What exactly are you going to do now @Heboughtsomanygrapes, what steps are you going to take to put a stop to all of this?

Start some juicy rumours about your swinging activities with older women. That should put her off

Back in the day, kids knocked on folks’ doors to ask if someone could play and were told yes or no. They didn’t have to text in advance. Why do they need to ask in advance? Just say yes or no as suits. And based on what you say, I can’t actually see too much issue with saying yes more regularly.

She literally says her reasons in the OP.