To think i didnt get enough help when my brother died

[BlueWall11]

My brother died 20 years ago, I was 18 and he was 14. He was ill in hospital for a few months and then passed away.
My parents were obviously devastated, I think my mum drank alot and im not sure who remembered me.
I went out alot, had lots of bad relationships, drunk too much and moved out about 6 months after he died. My dd is now the same age I was and I think I would have helped her more checked she was dealing with it all ok. My dm says I didnt want help and just went out all the time, I can't remember. I think I have blocked alot of that time out.
We have never discussed his death, he doesn't get mentioned at all. 20 years on and im only really thinking about it now and im unsure how to deal with it.
I feel guilty that I wasn't there for my parents, annoyed that they didn't check I was ok and just actually feel really sad. I have no other siblings and im not sure I realised what a huge loss it was. Id like to move forward, im not angry with my parents, I just feel a bit stuck.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. I’m sorry to hear that your needs weren’t met at what was a devastating time.

Please consider getting counselling. The right person can really help you.

That sounds so sad and difficult. I feel for 18 year old you, trying to find tour way though this. Can you look into bereavement counselling now, and have support with the feelings from then and from now.

Sending love and peace x

Is it too late to get counselling now? I know my parents did, I didnt want to at the time.

Everyone was grieving and that doesn't make people act in rational ways or ways they think they would

You should look at therapy to try and understand those feelings now, where you are ready to

Of course it's not too late. What an awful thing you all had to deal with.

Oh my heart aches for you love. What a trauma. Never too late for counselling x

It's never too late. It'll help you process your feelings ❤️

Never too late to get counselling.

I'm finally having some to talk through a bereavement 17 years ago. It's been very helpful. At the time, I couldn't see the point of it.

I'm so sorry for your loss. X

My younger son was 18yo when his Dad died.

I tried and tried (and continue to try) to help him, but he shut down and wouldn't let me (or anyone else) in. Yes, he should have had more help, but you can't force someone to take it.

Never too late to get counselling.

Make an appointment if possible, and start processing what happened.

I am sure it was horrific for you, your mum and dad at the time. I hope you can find some peace with what happened.

It's definitely not too late for counselling and can do you the world of good.

I'm so sorry you and your parents went through such a tragedy.

have some counselling. Also think about talking about him, he was part of you and it is normal to want to talk about the good and difficult times. There will be lovely things to remember as well as the deep sadness. You could tell us a bit about him if you would like to.

Your replies are making me cry which I never ever do!
Im a completely different person to who i was before. I am married and have 3 children and im happy in my family but I dont have any friends. I dont socialise at all and I think it is somehow all linked to this.
I dont want to upset my dm and I know she will think I'm blaming her which im not at all, I just feel like everyone was asking how she was and I think everyone just assumed I was ok because I was quite independent at the time.

I do sometimes talk to my husband about him, but I've never told him about all this, maybe I should.
My brother was funny, I was protective of him, drove him everywhere so he didnt have to get the bus. We were close although we used to argue and annoy each other like all kids do.
I just really wish I had someone who had I had shared so much time with here now.

Please consider EMDR as well as counselling. It can access trauma that is locked away that you would find difficult to articulate. I’ve done both. Both were valuable, but it was EMDR that unlocked the bits counselling hadn’t got to. Definitely never too late for therapy, that was a huge loss for you. Hugs xx

Never too late to access counselling

Possible that your parents supported you the best they possibly could in a horrendous situation AND your needs were not met. Both can be true

I'm so sorry, OP. I know someone who very sadly lost a child 20 years ago. He had another dc who was a teenager at the time.

He has shared with me that he deeply regrets the fact that he didn't do more to support his other child at that time, and that he constantly beats himself up about this because the surviving dc has had ongoing struggles with their mental health and he feels incredibly guilty for not having supported them more effectively. I think the parents were just so completely consumed by their own grief that they didn't really have the bandwidth to help their surviving child in the way that was needed, and they also didn't know how to help in any case. They mistakenly believed that talking about the child who died would retraumatise everyone, so they avoided the subject. I know that he would handle things very differently if he had his time again, but I guess people in these awful situations are just doing whatever they can to get through life in whatever way they can and doing what feels right at the time.

I don't think it is too late for you to seek counselling at all, OP. You should have had more support at the time, but you can't change that now. You can change what you do in the present.

I'm so sorry that must have been such a hard thing to go through, it sounds like counselling would definitely be a good idea. Any chance to talk about the person who isn't here is always a good thing too as it helps you remember them.

I’ve had similar OP, my father died suddenly also 20 years ago, when I was 15, I didn’t get any support at all and went completely off the rails. My mum turned to booze, and so did I. Never had any counselling, it wasn’t even considered. I spent years wondering what was wrong with me, why I struggled so much, and I never recognised the trauma I had been through. Only now years later and I have my own daughter close to teen years have I realized how little help I got, and I should have had help. I feel almost that acknowledging that to myself, and being kind to past me has really helped. I’ve done some counselling for another trauma too and that helped me recognise everything I’d been through in the past - and that yes it was a shit time and it’s ok if I wasn’t doing ok.
So sorry for your loss OP and that you were also not supported through it. I think it’s important to recognise to yourself that you had an extremely traumatic experience losing your brother, and your whole life drastically changed. Be kind to yourself and your past self, and seek out some counselling to help you heel.

Oh OP, please do get some counselling so you can talk through all your feelings about the loss of your darling brother and the effect on your family. It's never too late and it could help you find a way to talk to your mum honestly without being hurtful. She probably also carries a lot of regret and pain from those years.

I also lost a sibling, I was 13 and she was 20. It quite literally blows the family apart and my teenage years were very very difficult. My parents were totally devastated and were like zombies for the first few years - I don't blame them at all as I can't imagine how difficult it must have been to just get out of bed, go to work, shop/cook/clean every day. They eventually became involved in The Compassionate Friends and we met some lovely families who had also suffered the loss of a child. It made a real difference in our lives. We also always talked about my sister and she has been very much a part of our lives - my children all know all about her and the funny stories from our childhood together. I think it's really sad that your brother was not mentioned but maybe your mum really struggles with what she went through when your brother was ill and in hospital and then the loss of him. I can't even imagine how awful and painful a time that must have been for her. Sending you a big hug 💐

You are asking about this now, so yes getting some counselling is still relevant because it's still affecting you now.

It's such a big deal and your parents were dealing with their own not insubstantial grief and probably struggling to cope. Them saying you didn't want help them is probably more to do with the fact they were so wrapped up in their own issues at the time.

At 18 you don't want help. It's a fairly standard response. You think you are a superhero but really your not but you lack the capacity to recognise it at the time.

You are just finding your independence and freedom so that's what you do. And everyone else just sees you going out, partying and making the most of life. Often because they don't want to see that your crashing and burning because if they acknowledge it they have a responsibility to try and intervene.

You were doing what a lot of 18 year olds without that burden do. And tbh theres no guarantee that if your brother hadn't died, that you wouldnt have done the same thing anyway. You might have just gone off the rails anyway. You don't know. So untie this to your brother's death.

You certainly wouldn't have had the capacity and life experience to be there for your parents so don't blame yourself for that one. Would you expect your daughter to be there for you now if you had a significant life crisis or would you keep it to yourself?

There's significant things me and my parents have never talked about. We never will. They just aren't those kind of people anyway. It's still too raw for them anyway. That's why you've never spoken about it - it's still too raw for both parties.

20 years sounds like a long time. It's not when it's something so huge.

Forgive yourself. It's done. It happened. It's a part of your life that's gone. Focus on where you are now.

Without the experience you HAVE had, you wouldn't be where you are and perhaps as able to be the Mum to your daughter that you are. Your wisdom and your experience though hard can also be perverse gifts that make you all the better in terms of where you are in the long run.

Look forward. Not back. x

That's why counselling (especially with someone who is a specialist in bereavement/grief) will be helpful, because it's someone neutral whose only focus is you -- your mother need never know, and you can explore your complex feelings towards her in a safe setting where you don't have to worry about upsetting her. It's perfectly possible to love a parent and recognise that they were unable to give you what you needed in your childhood. My mother did something awful, via omission, to me in childhood, by not acting. She is completely incapable of acknowledging it now, she just stonewalls. I've found therapy transformative.

I'm sorry for your loss, @BlueWall11.💐

@BlueWall11 ah it's lovely to hear that memory of him! It must be so hard to have no one who remembers you in that way too. Perhaps try and remember a new little memory every day and see how you feel. Untangling these in therapy may help.

Counselling WILL help you, even if it's 20 years later.

Just another one to say that I'm sorry for the loss of your dear brother and that the help wasn't there for you afterwards. I am a proponent of writing things out in a journal, I do it on my Mac these days, just pour everything out.